Did you know that today is Sex Wednesday? It is. At my blog. Sex Week was so popular that I decided to create “Sex Wednesdays”! Why Wednesdays? Well, simple: Because Wednesday is hump day. I know, I know. Tacky. Cliche, even. But it works.
And besides, maybe “Sex Wednesdays” will serve as a helpful jolt to your work week (or a helpful jolt to some part of your life… ).
With that in mind, if you can write, and have something interesting or helpful to present or ask about the topic of sex, send me an email: MatthewPaulTurner@gmail.com. Please put “Sex Wednesday” in the subject line. Thanks! Hope to hear from some of you. And remember, different viewpoints are welcomed, as long as they are presented with love, grace, and the writing ability of a college student… 🙂
Okay, so do you remember that post I wrote about “Ladies: Sex Stuff About Your Husband”–the first Sex Wednesday post is…
MEN: SEX STUFF ABOUT YOUR WIFE
And no, I didn’t write it. I wanted a female to write this one, so I asked my writing friend Lauri Hedman. And she JUMPED at the chance.
So here it is–the “helpmate” to my post about what men like. And of course, this one about women takes longer to read. Figures. 🙂
Okay, read. Enjoy. Leave a comment. Complain. You know, the normal stuff. 🙂
Gentlemen: Sex stuff about your wives.
by Lauri Hedman
So here is the long-awaited counterpart to the article Matthew wrote for the wives a couple of weeks ago. This is not a comprehensive list of what men should know, but it covers the basics. If you have comments to add, questions to ask, or points to dispute, use the comment box–that’s what it’s there for.
1. Women love kissing. Kissing is good for you in many ways. The act of kissing exercises at least 29 muscles and prevents wrinkles. It is said that a romantic kiss burns 2 to 3 calories, while a French kiss burns approximately 5 calories. This site that I discovered will tell you exactly how many calories you can burn during 15 minutes of kissing, depending upon your body weight:
http://www.dietbites.com/Pyramid-Diet/calories-burned-kissing.html And this site will tell you exactly how many calories are in various types of beer: http://www.beer100.com/beercalories.htm
So here’s an idea. Every time you have a cold one, go home and work off the calories you ingested with your lovely wife. For example, if you are a 190-pound man and you have a Miller Lite with your buds, you can head off the impending beer belly with about one hour of kissing. However, a Sam Adams Stout will have you osculating for an hour and forty-five minutes. If you add the nachos and the buffalo wings? Well, you’ll have to run the numbers…
Supposedly, kisses produce substances in the body which are 200 times stronger than narcotics such as morphine. That is why kissing can make you feel euphorically happy and why you can literally get “lost” in a kiss.
And that’s why, if you want to be a happy, fit, 89-year-old dude with the still-hot, wrinkle-free, slender, euphoric wife pinching your butt, you should go find your wife right now and kiss her for no reason at all.
2. Let’s just cut to the chase here. Women NEED clitoral stimulation. For too long, some women have been labeled “frigid” because they have difficulty reaching orgasm through intercourse. Here’s the truth: “Fifty to 75 percent of women who have orgasms need clitoral stimulation and are unable to have orgasm through intercourse alone.” That quote was from Dr. Phil’s website, and he can’t be steering us wrong because, as we all know, this ain’t his first rodeo! (Come on now, what’s not to trust about a cowboy in a suit and tie?)
Yes, the clitoris–that fabulous little engine under the hood–can make or break your ride. However, you have to treat it gently. It is one sensitive piece of equipment. The clitoris has about 8,000 nerve endings, while the penis has only half that amount. Think about that for a minute. (Hmmmm… I wonder if God intended for women to have double the pleasure.) It’s important to keep in mind that most women are extremely sensitive in this spot. As you know, sensitivity is a wonderful thing; it is also a terrible thing. (Think blowjob. Think baseball to the crotch. See?) Some women do prefer strong pressure and most women will tolerate more action here as their sexual response peaks, but you can actually make the whole area numb with too much friction or pressure at the get go. NUMB. Yes, you can “flood the engine.” So, approach gently, slowly, softly, and feathery at first. And then kick it up a notch. And if you really want to know how to handle the engine, talk to the owner. If you listen to her, you will have that engine humming in no time!
3. Okay… let’s discuss the (famous!) G-spot now. “G-spot” is short for Grafenberg spot. It was named in honor of the German doctor named Ernst who discovered it. I couldn’t find the source stating who was present with him when he had this “Aha!” moment, but I did learn these things: He was an ophthalmologist before becoming a gynecologist. He was a Jew who was imprisoned by the Nazis for three years before coming to the United States. He is credited with inventing the intrauterine device. Okay, history lesson over, back to sex-education.
Some people say that the G-spot is only a myth which merely fuels the American obsession with success and performance (and sex, of course). Those who do believe in the G-spot describe it as an area of sensitivity located on the front vaginal wall halfway between the front of the pubic bone and the cervix.
If you want to locate your wife’s G-spot, you might try this: Tell her what you are going to do and get her informed consent. Speaking of consent, this little exercise in G-spot location will probably make your wife feel very much as if her dear, sweet husband has shape shifted into her doctor. It will likely feel clinical and more than a bit awkward, but I think it’s worth the weirdness in the end. Actually, the G-spot is much simpler to find in an already aroused woman, but most women probably won’t switch easily from “I am the sizzling fajita he wants to inhale” to “I am the gynecological subject he wants to probe” without great difficulty… so, don’t spring it on her.
Have her lie on her back, spread her legs, and tilt her hips up slightly. Apply lubricant to the index and middle fingers of your preferred hand. Place your hand with the palm facing upward and slide two fingers an inch or two into the vagina. You can make a beckoning motion with your index finger so that its tip is tapping flesh and ask your wife if she feels anything. (A better question might be “Baby, does that feel good?”– in your best Barry White imitation, of course.) If you want to continue exploring, press both fingers firmly against the front vaginal wall in the direction of the navel, and see if you can locate a small almond-shaped bump beneath the surface. Sometimes applying slight downward pressure to her abdomen with our free hand will help to locate that spot.
Once you know where it is, you can start having fun going there. Note that the best sexual positions for stimulating the G-spot are the woman on top or doggy style. Also note that gyrating (circular and/or figure eight) movements are more effective than thrusting (linear) movements to stimulate this spot.
Now, all that said, the G-spot has an interesting reputation. Think of it like Underground Atlanta. Some women couldn’t care less about this. Some women can’t wait for you to find it for them because they have a hard time finding it themselves and don’t want to invest in a GPS, but they would like to explore the area. Some women already know their way around this place and can’t wait to give you the full-day tour. Once you’ve found it on the map and have considered the attractions, follow your wife’s lead because Underground Atlanta isn’t really much of a destination when you’re the only one who wants to go.
4. We learned awhile back on this blog that men are not fond of the stopping and starting technique women often employ when they are pleasuring their husbands. Do you know why women do this? It’s either because they are tired (Yes, women can think YOU are taking too long also. Surprise!) or because they think you like it BECAUSE THEY LIKE IT.
Most women are highly aroused when their husbands use a start-stop technique. I don’t mean you should start making love to your wife and stop five minutes later to watch the next football play. That is annoying, unless she likes football as much as you do, in which case she might be okay with squeezing foreplay and a quickie into the timeouts. What I mean is this: when you are touching her breasts or her lower back or her inner thighs and you feel her body tensing up a bit or her breathing getting faster, stop. Move your hands to a “neutral zone” like her hair or her face or her shoulders and just kiss for a while. Then start again. Start stroking her skin gently on her arms and her back and her outer thighs and her inner thighs, working toward, but still avoiding, the obvious erogenous zones, and then stop your fingers for just a few seconds. Give her time to wonder exactly where you’re going next. Let her imagine what you might be about to do. Then start again… get it?
That start-stop technique is usually exciting for women–MUCH more exciting than first base, second base, third base, home run! Go ahead and negotiate with your wife. Tell her if she will try to STOP the start-stop thing, you will try to START the stop-start thing. The worst thing that will happen is that there will be a lot of starting and stopping–just like a football game.
5. Although this stereotype does not fit every couple, it seems that men are generally the risk-takers or explorers when it comes to sex. And women tend to be the ones who are a bit more cautious. Many of you reading this are eager to try things in the sexual arena that your wife is attempting to avoid. You bring up something “risky” to her and she has nothing but embarrassment, disgust, shock, or disapproval in response. You might have suggested something only to hear “I would NEVER do that,” or “I can’t BELIEVE you would even think that,” or a “Really?” accompanied by giggles or a red face or even a sincere look of horror.
Here’s a secret for you–most of the time a woman will warm up to your shocking and crazy ideas. Now, in no way am I advocating that you ignore your wife’s “No.” I am not suggesting that you manipulate her into a situation in which she feels uncomfortable or unheard or unloved. But what I am saying is that sometimes your wife might just need a little more time and encouragement. For example, if you really want to make love with the lights on and she doesn’t, light a candle. If you are desperate to receive oral sex and she is squeamish, ask her if she’ll please “just kiss” your penis for a while. If you want to experiment with sex toys and she is not eager to go shopping with you, come home with a tickly feather or a piece of silky fabric to rub all over her body the next time you have sex. If you would like to watch her masturbate for your viewing pleasure and she is freaked out by that, next time you are touching her, gently pull her hand toward her own body and keep your hand with hers.
Start small. Give her time to adjust. Encourage her and thank her when she does take a baby step toward your desires. (Now, don’t rush out and get a maid or a gardener. I personally don’t know any Christian woman who will ever warm up to THAT idea…)
6. Finally, let’s talk about the striptease. That’s probably the thing that will take the most encouragement of all. We women have been saturated in the idea that we are only worth something if our bodies are perfect. Our breasts are supposed to be perky, bouncy, and just a little too full for your hands to hold. Our stomachs are supposed to be flat, toned, and stretch mark free. Our legs must be long, limber, and without a spot or wrinkle. And we are supposed to be hot, sexy, uber-confident, and always in the mood. Or we fail as women. Some of us have moved past this. Some of us have not.
However, even a woman who is quite comfortable in her own skin is suddenly reminded of every imperfection when she is naked and you are staring at her and you are expecting her to entertain you. Even if you adore every single centimeter of her flesh, “flaws” and all, she will probably feel vulnerable. Even if you are not critiquing every curve of her body, she will likely feel imperfect. Even if you aren’t rating her stripper skills, she is rating herself in her own head… and rarely do women give themselves the A+. Honestly, most women do not even give themselves a C on this skill. Remember how you felt about tests in subjects in which you were not confident? For almost all women (especially Christian women), stripping feels like a test.
If your wife is going to be comfortable enough to act like a stripper with you, she has to feel prepared. She must be convinced that you love her no matter what. That you love her body no matter what. That you accept all of her, including her sexual shyness, no matter what. That you aren’t grading her and that you don’t want her grading herself. It takes time to build that kind of trust… it might take years.
If your wife does stripteases for you, count your blessings. It’s the ultimate compliment to you. It means you have succeeded in proving your love to her. It means that she is working hard to demonstrate her love for you. Go find her right now and give her a thank-you kiss. And if your wife doesn’t do stripteases for you (yet or ever), go find her and give her a kiss anyway, because some people say that men who kiss their wives every day before going to work live five years longer than men who don’t. And even if you aren’t getting ready to go to work right now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an extra kiss now and then.
You DO want to be that 89-year-old dude with the still-hot, wrinkle-free, euphoric, comfortable-in-her-own-skin wife who is still seductively stripping for you when the nursing home attendants aren’t looking, right? Then stop reading and start kissing. I’m telling you, women love kissing!
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I’m sorry, but this reads a lot like HOW TO GET YOUR WIFE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT rather than how to serve your wife in the marriage bed.
Also, why try to entice a man to kiss his wife by suggesting an 89 year old man who still has a “still-hot, wrinkle-free, slender, euphoric wife” when you admit that most women only feel we are “worth something if our bodies are perfect?” Is that really how my husband views my worth?
a great how-to! we’ve tried to make our way through some Christian sex ed books, and they’re pretty dull. this used the terms we know & got to the basics quickly & efficiently. thanks!
Anonymous @ 7:24: If you were hoping for a Dominatrix-style manual telling husbands how to sexually serve (or else!), I’m sorry to disappoint you.
I actually believe that it is almost impossible to separate the actions of giving and receiving when it comes to sex within a loving marriage. I believe wholeheartedly in mutual sexual honor and gratification.
It has been my own experience that when a husband gives, he also receives. And when a wife gives, she also receives. (And that is regardless of the motivations or expectations behind the giving.) To me, married sex (especially) is not, or should not, be “service” but “serve-us.”
Regarding the 89-year-old dude comment, I guess I’ve always believed that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Why not use a little humor and enticement to encourage guys to kiss more? (I’m a “feather-boa” kind of gal who is happy to leave the whips and chains to others.) I am sorry you didn’t find the information helpful, and I wish you the very best.
Anonymous @ 8:07: You’re welcome! :^)
As a wife, I must say I really appreciate this post. Seriously, it encouraged me & made me feel good about myself. I only have one close girlfriend who I can talk frankly with about sex (& thank God for her!). I cannot have an orgasm by just intercourse but she can. Not knowing that 50-75% of women are also like me, I thought there was something wrong with me. I cried tears of relief when I saw that!
My husband & I have been married for 5 years & we only recently started having “good” sex. For so long I struggled with self image, no matter how beautiful he made me feel. It helps that we are totally comfortable with each other & clearly communicate our desires to one another. I think that is key. We can’t read each other’s minds — tell your spouse what you want!
I strongly disagree with “Anonymous” #1. I find pleasure in pleasing my husband & doing things that he likes. Because I love him. (And vice versa.) Of course there is always room for improvement, but his needs are just as important to me as mine are. I thought Lauri did a great job explaining the things women like. If a husband is doing the things his wife likes then I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to return the favor & do what he likes. Anon #1 is making it sound like Lauri is suggesting the husband only do these things so that he can get his way — being manipulative. I don’t see how 1.kissing, 2.clitoral stimulation, 3.working to find the G-spot (w/ detailed instructions even!), 4.prolonging foreplay, 5.being patient with ones wife, & 6. proving that you love & accept her regardless of whether she’ll do a striptease is all self-serving. All those things seem pretty much the opposite of self-serving.
Anyway, that’s my two cents for what it’s worth. Thanks again for the helpful & encouraging post!
Wow. i have to say my sense are overloaded after reading your article.
You have the gift of blunt and realistic inspiration, Something Jesus sported in large doses. Keep it up, we need more christians in the mainstream forum to convince more non-believers that we’re not all wack jobs who have sex twice a year.
Amanda: I’m glad you found the post encouraging. Many times in my own life, I’ve been relieved and comforted to find that I’m “not the only one” experiencing (or not experiencing) something. I agree with you that there is a direct correlation between great relationships/sex and honest communication.
RiverJordan: Sensory overload was my goal! ;^) Seriously, thanks for the encouragement to keep keepin’ things real. (If Jason Boyett is reading this thread, he might use your idea as inspiration to write “The Pocket Guide to Christian Whack Jobs.” He might even have enough material to create a 26-volume encyclopedia set instead of a pocket guide.)
I’m Anonymous#1 and I guess I’m coming from an abusive background where men have used and discarded me after sex so I’m biased. I didn’t mean to belittle your post, and I apologize if I offended you. I know you’re not speaking for all women here, but I don’t like to feel that I’m performing, being examined or objectified.
That said, I’m happy to please my husband and regularly do. But I was hoping for tips where men (or at least the ones I know) need some help…including how foreplay includes helping around the house, being as romantic as you were when you dated, showing love for her middle aged body even after she’s borne you four children and understanding how her body, emotions and psyche differs from your own.
Anonymous #1, you are coming from a background to which many women (and maybe men, too) can relate. Maybe you could email Matthew and ask if you could be the next “Sex Wednesday” guest blogger. A blogpost specifically related to sexual struggles/solutions when abuse has been part of a person’s sexual history would be interesting and helpful to many.
I totally agree with you that when a man honors his wife in every room of the house and beyond, she will be more excited to get him into the bedroom and beyond! ;^)
I am so sorry for the hurt that you have endured at the hands of heartless men. I am sincerely inspired by the fact that you have not let that stop you from being a strong woman who speaks her mind. It’s awesome that you have come so far…
Ahem. *insert blushing cheeks*
You know your stuff. And thank you for sharing 🙂
Cindy Beall: You’re welcome! :^)
I’m willing to be the lone voice of dissent (again) because I am hurting for women like Anonymous who have read the terrible (and ungodly) advice from this post.
This post condones the objectification of women, ie. by encouraging stripping! Stripping does not empower women–just go ask a REAL stripper.
As Christians, we should know better–and we should strive AGAINST the degradation of women.
Since when does a Christian husband expect his wife to “entertain him” with a strip-tease?
Since when is a Christian woman expected to act the part of a whore?
The marriage bed is undefiled–but this post makes it sound pornified!
This is such awful advice and I hurt for the women who read this and feel like they need to “spice up” their sex lives by acting like a stripper. Or else what? Possibly lose their husband’s interest?
Ladies, this is not Godly counsel.
There is a better way!
I am a Christian woman and I have a wonderful sex life with my husband. In fact, we have FIVE children to prove it!
But I would NEVER in a million YEARS degrade myself–or my sexuality–by acting in a way that this post describes.
And most importantly, my husband honors me and my body. He would never ask me to behave in a way that is degrading to me—and to him.
MPT, why are you condoning the objectification of women?
Why are you glorifying the life-shattering sexual practices of the world?
This is terribly grievous.
Elizabeth, with all due respect,
your comment jumps to so many far-fetched conclusions that it’s difficult to know how to respond to all of them.
But first of all, you are stating your opinion. And I welcome your opinion. This is a blog, and I want people to express their opinions about topics. However, you’re hardly in the position to state God’s thoughts on the matter.
People are different. Couples are different. One couple might only enjoy the missionary position. Another couple might try something new every time they have sex. Neither couple is better than the other. The same is true when one couple feels that a striptease puts the wife in a position that she isn’t comfortable with–again, that’s a personal preference–and I think they should follow their conviction. But another couple might have fun stripping for each other, and that’s fine, too. Nowhere in this post does it say that a women MUST strip for her husband. It’s a suggestion. But you seem to assume that “stripping for one’s husband or wife is a black and white Biblical issue. And that’s not true. Nor is it a “Christian” issue.
There are plenty of Christian women who are comfortable enough in their own skin and comfortable enough in their marriage to strip for their husbands. The same is true for husbands stripping for their wives. And just because you would never do such a thing, or your husband would never expect you do such a thing, doesn’t mean that everybody else is wrong and you are right. It simply means that, in your situation, you’re doing what you feel is right.
On a personal note: I take offense to your implication that by posting this advice I’m condoning the objectification of women. That’s a huge statement, and one that I believe is unfair and hardly warranted. Those who know me know that I would never condone objectifying women (or men for that matter). I believe that nobody should be put in a situation that they are not comfortable with. But I also believe that, one person’s discomfort does not make it a law that everybody must follow.
I agree with you that women (or men) “stripping” at a club or bar is objectifying people. But this article does not condone that.
The advice given here is for husbands and wives, two equal people who trust and love each other. It’s a completely different scene than the one where large groups of men hoot and holler, throw dollar bills, and watch a woman take off her clothes…
To compare the two scenarios is ludicrous in my opinion.
I’ll close with this: the article represents one person’s thoughts on a matter of sexuality. I’ve received numerous emails and comments from people thanking me for this advice. And I’ve received a handful of letters from people who didn’t like it. I have no problem with the fact that some people don’t agree with what is stated at my blog. But I think it’s important that we own our comments, and realize they are our personal opinions.
Not God’s.
MPT: I’m not speaking for God. How could I? I am refusing to pretend that sexuality within marriage is all just a matter of “personal preference.” You know, you say tomato. I say to-mah-toe.
The whole reason I spoke up is because I’m concerned for women like Anonymous who read these “suggestions” and then feel guilty because they are reluctant to… imitate a stripper.
And then Anonymous feels obligated to apologize for speaking up and “offending” the author? If anything is ludicrous, it’s that!
Imitating a stripper has nothing to do with a woman feeling “comfortable” in her own skin.
But it might have everything to do with the pervasive influence of porn in our culture–and Christians who have normalized it/glamorized it and are now bringing it into the bedroom.
Have you considered that?
But no big deal. It’s all just fun and personal preference/like/dislike/comfort/discomfort.
Oh, and increased blog traffic, right?
^ Nice parting shot. Apparently you are not interested in civil discourse but lobbing incendiary grenades while painting with that big ol’ brush of yours. If you could be so kind as to read the following without framing your response as a point by point rebuttal:
I don’t want my wife to imitate a stripper. I want my wife to be herself and to enjoy being herself. Sometimes this means she dresses to be visually appealing to me only, but this is not the only way her enjoyment of being herself finds its expression.
My wife often makes this comment to me. “I am glad I feel safe enough in your love for me to dress this way for you.”
This comes out of a marital context where we emphasis mutual serving, mutual respect and mutual appreciation of our roles. There is no compulsion but open dialogue about everything. Honest and safe sharing has promoted security to the point where my wife looks forward to “dressing up for me” and subsequently undressing for me. Why? I’m visual. I like to look at her and she knows and notices this. I have made her my standard of beauty both externally and internally. She doesn’t do this as reward for good behavior, but out of love.
Did I seek this kind of behavior from her? No. What I wanted was to help her see that she is secure in our relationship. I wanted her to be able to share anything without fear of judgment or a quick fix suggestion. I wanted her to believe that she is as remarkable as I believe her to be.
This means her thoughts and feelings on any subject are as valid as my own. It means she holds my thoughts and feelings for her as valid as her own. It means we have taken the idea of service to bed with us out of love for each other.
Please don’t soil that with descriptions of porn and strippers. Its not like that.
Elizabeth, I respect your opinion and personal convictions. Really, I do. And too, I also respect your husband’s opinion (I assume he’s the Anonymous below your second post–but I could be wrong).
I’m glad that you spoke up for women who are in situations like the first Anonymous. And I’m sure she’s grateful for that, too.
Forgive me for not responding to you and your husband’s comments. Honestly, I just don’t think it’s a fruitful discussion. I’m sure if the three of us were sitting at the same table, talking in person, we would have much to agree on and even perhaps find much common ground on this particular topic. And we’d probably get along quite well. 🙂 But as a comment-driven debate, I just don’t that it’s all that helpful.
I do appreciate you taking the time to respond, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your weekend.
LOL–the 2nd anonymous was not my husband. My husband doesn’t even read blogs, let alone comment on them. And anyway, I thought he was rebuking me, not you! 🙂
Fair enough, MPT.
Thanks for letting me speak my mind. Have a nice weekend yourself.
E.
Elizabeth,
I read your comment several hours ago, and as you can tell by the timing of this comment (it’s 4:00 a.m. my time), I have really given thought to your opinions about my opinions.
My first reaction was this: The fact you have five children doesn’t prove you have a wonderful sex life. It might prove that you have frequent sex, a husband with “good swimmers,” the genetic blessing of easy fertility, or an aversion to birth control. ;^) I’m kidding around, but I realize, considering the heavy-handed tone of your post, you probably don’t find my lightness of spirit about that at all funny.
So, after many other reactions and responses to your words, I will post the one with which I’m finally feeling some peace.
Thank you for your critique. If you knew me personally, I think you would see that we share an abhorrence toward the objectification of women. If I knew you and trusted you, I might share some personal stories of the myriad of ways in which I have been objectified and abused by boys and men (and some women) in my lifetime. I might tell you about women I know who have almost lost their lives trying to be “perfect enough” for sex-addicted men or abusive husbands. But I don’t know you.
Whether you believe me or not, I despise the objectification and sexual abuse of women (men, children, and animals, too). I also despise the spiritual abuse of women and the shame which fundamentalist groups and churches often dump on women by expecting them to “perform” to a particular standard. While our culture tends to view women as nothing but a “pair of t***s and a piece of a**” to be uncovered,” many times Christian groups tend to view women as nothing but a “set of mammary glands and a piece of property who must be always covered by the shadow, weight, and domination of her father, her husband, and her pastor.” I HATE both kinds of abuse.
I have really searched my heart over your critique of my post. I’ve asked myself some hard questions having to do with things regarding my own sexual history and whether I have given the culture at large too much access to my heart and mind. I have prayed about the possiblity that this may be so. And, I stand by my original post. I do not believe that what I said was ungodly.
While I was praying, I felt led to go to Scripture and re-read Proverbs 31 to see what a noble and honorable and godly wife looks like. I also read a couple of portions of Song of Songs and was shocked to see a phrase that I had never attended to before.
Right before chapter 7, a chapter in which the husband describes his wife’s ravishing beauty, body part by body part, is a curious little phrase in which the wife says “Why would you gaze on the Shulamite as on the dance of Mahanaim?” (Song of Songs 6:13b)
Wow! I never noticed that before. What kind of dance would be referred to right before a husband thoroughly and beautifully makes love to every part of his wife? What kind of dance could be the impetus for a wonderfully erotic lovemaking session which results in the wife saying, “But my own vineyard is mine to give.” (Song of Songs 8:12)? What kind of dance would be so empowering?
So, I did a little research in the middle of night. I learned more about the dance of Mahanaim and I stumbled across a podcast of a sermon preached by Mark Driscoll (about men and women and great married sex–Well,great in my opinion–) which touches upon this phrase and passage. You can find it here:
http://proverbs3110woman.blogspot.com/2008/11/peasant-princess-dance-of-mahanaim.html
I’m so glad that you feel valued in your marriage. My prayer is that you will continue to find peace and contentment, regardless of whether we agree about what “godly” sex looks like. Blessings to you and your family.
:^)
Anonymous @ 3:49 p.m.: I take your comment to be one of support. Your words have the aroma of such agape love. It is obvious you adore your wife. She is a blessed woman. And, obviously, you are a blessed man! I agree that great sex is all about mutual respect, words of encouragement, and emotional security. :^)
Interesting article – with some practical helpful info. Rather than focus on any particular ‘tip’ you mentioned, I will simply say that Christians are too silent about sex and more of us need to talk. (This is one of my ‘pet’ topics – though I have a lot of pet topics…)
Also, with this topic, like most topics Christians try to discuss, we have to allow grace for differing opinions. I for one question the toys. I don’t find the idea of shoving inanimate objects into my body appealing or God-honoring, however that is something each individual has to talk to God about. He is always present so I know he’s quite aware of our sexual practices – and I’m cool with him as our audience – and when I ask him if he thinks it’s a good idea, I don’t get a sense of “Yeah, go for it,” so I don’t go there. Hubby and I are at the same place on that. However, there are some fun peppermint-based products for increased sensitivity that can be fun. And I’ve read that spices, herbs and the like were used down through the ages – for the benefit of those who think that this is all ‘new’ and should be avoided. (It may even be what Solomon refers to as ‘bed of spices’ – who knows? We know he had fun in bed!)
I recognize that not everything can be said in one post, but hope to see the bigger picture about sex come through here in the future.
It is not intended to be a stoic ‘do and get done’ mission to be accomplished, or like weekly cleaning that requires attention. It is – most definitely should be – a passionate, loving experience between husband and wife. Quite frankly, if you think about it, we as Christians should be having more fun (pleasure if that feels more ‘Christian’ to some – no pun intended on the ‘feel’) than the world. We are celebrating something holy and God-blessed. He wouldn’t have given us so many fun spots if he didn’t want us to enjoy it.
Learning God’s view on sex transformed our love life. Fifteen years into marriage we make love more often than ever, and enjoy it more all the time!
…And all that coming from a past rape victim & child abuse victim. Healing is very possible and sex can become a beautiful and good part of marriage after the pain of betrayal.
“I’m sorry, but this reads a lot like HOW TO GET YOUR WIFE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT rather than how to serve your wife in the marriage bed.”
I had that reaction to it as well. Not because of the mention of stripping, etc., but because it was written to men and focused so much on getting a woman’s consent to do this or that.
As Jessica Valenti says, the opposite of rape isn’t consent, but enthusiasm. I’d like to see an article encouraging Christian men to stop asking “Can I?” and start asking, “What would you like?”
American sexuality is so focused on male pleasure and male orgasm. Sadly much of this attitude has seeped into the church as well. Intimacy should be mutual and based on pleasing the OTHER person, not merely using one sex’s body to please the other.