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somebody stole jesus’s head

By August 20, 2009Blog


The sin of stealing Jesus’s head happened in Wisconsin.

So if you’re thinking about moving to Wisconsin, and you have a large collection of valuable Jesus statues, consider moving some place safer like LA or Seattle, where they have no need for Jesus heads.

But anyway, here’s the story… (and a few stupid comments from me.)

WAUWATOSA, Wis. — Police in southeastern Wisconsin are looking for the person who stole the head off a statue of Jesus.

(I only hope it’s not a serial head stealer. There are some monasteries where a thief interested in the stoned-noggins of Jesus could really make a big mess–and not to mention, clean house!)

The head was recently discovered missing from St. Joseph’s Church in Wauwatosa. (We’re praying for you, St. Joseph… keep your heads held high!)

Deb Labermeier, (WHAT KIND OF LAST NAME IS THAT? Is she a retriever?) the church’s business administrator, said officials scoured the entire property but couldn’t find the head. (BECAUSE IT WAS STOLEN! And how much of tax payers’ money was spent on search for Christ’s head? Make the thieves pay! I’m pretty sure Jesus did not pay THIS debt on the cross.)

She suspects that someone somewhere is apparently using it for a trophy.

(A trophy?! You’re kidding. Like a cheer leading trophy? Those big fat Jesus-hating jerks. GIVE ST. JOSEPH THEIR STATUE HEAD BACK!)

The marble statue shows Joseph holding his infant son.

(Wait. Is the statue of Jesus or Joseph or…. baby Jesus? They stole the head of baby Jesus? They’re going to hell.)

The church’s insurance will cover the cost of repairs.

(Praise be to God for insurance. I know all of my statues are getting insured now!)

Authorities have no suspects in custody.

(I bet you they’re out there right now holding baby Jesus’s head over their heads and screaming at the top of their lungs. They’re proud of what they’ve done. You know, like they won a big game or something. And got a trophy.)

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Matthew Paul Turner

Author Matthew Paul Turner

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Join the discussion 8 Comments

  • Terroni says:

    Because there is nothing to do in Wisconsin but smoke pot. And this is the kind of thing that seems freaking hilarious when you’ve been smoking pot in Wisconsin for a few hours.

    Or so I’ve heard.

  • Susan Isaacs says:

    “O sacred Head, now pilfered…”

  • darooda says:

    Somebody needs to check pot-head Terroni’s backpack for baby Jesus heads.

  • Chuck Harris says:

    i love how you posted that Jim Gaffigan style with an inner monologue.

  • Anonymous says:

    Ok…This is a sad situation but there is LOTS to do in Wisconsin… in fact I was born and raised here…Never smoked Pot…I was married at that church and a very sad about this situation…….
    Some kids have not been taught about respect for others property…
    Matthews mother-in-law Debbie

  • Prudy says:

    I think my favorite part is your commentary. Specifically this line:

    “(Wait. Is the statue of Jesus or Joseph or…. baby Jesus? They stole the head of baby Jesus? They’re going to hell.)”

    I just kept thinking of Talladega Nights and praying to 8lb 6oz Baby Jesus.

  • ttm says:

    Some things to do in Wisconsin:

    –visit county fairs
    –play Beer Pong
    –go cow-tipping
    –carve cheese into sculptures
    –chop wood for the winter
    –go to a tractor pull
    –make fun of the “city snobs” from Minnesota

    See? There’s more to do in WI than smoke pot…and behead baby Jesus. Maybe when they’re located, these ruffians could be assigned some community service hours on the Amish farms.

  • WOW I totally just laughed out loud reading that! Probably not the best thing since I am sitting in a very quiet coffee shop! LOL.