ask the saintly sexpert

Hope you’re having an excellent Sex Week here at Jesus Needs New PR. Today, courtesy of Pocket Guide to Sainthood author Jason Boyett—pretty much the only Protestant saint expert I know who reads this blog and was willing to provide a guest post—we present “Ask the Saintly Sexpert,” a sexual advice column based on the experiences and adventures of the best Christians in the history of Christianity.

So here it is.

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Dear Saintly Sexpert: My boyfriend and I signed True Love Waits virginity pledge cards back in high school. We are getting married in two weeks. Should we tear up those cards or not?

–Tired of Waiting in Idaho

Dear Waiting: Heavens, no! You should learn from the example of St. Bertilia, who married the love of her life in the 7th century. Then she and the groom took vows of chastity and remained virgins until they died. Do not destroy your virginity pledge card. In fact, do not destroy your virginity at all. Deepen your commitment to celibacy. Because True Love does, in fact, wait. But True True Love Waits a Whole Lot Longer.

Dear Saintly Sexpert: I am committed to chastity but have been forced into an arranged marriage. I’m afraid my future spouse will not be so on-board with the whole celibacy thing. Also, I am trapped in a 40-foot-high tower. What should I do?

–Tower Tom, Scotland

Dear Tom: Are there bedsheets available nearby? Are you chained to a bedpost or could you, perhaps, go scavenging? St. Bernard of Menthon once faced a similar situation. He knotted together a string of bed linens and climbed out the window and into the glorious freedom of retained celibacy. He’s now known as the Patron Saint of Mountain Climbers. Also there is a dog breed named after him. You do want to eventually have dogs named after you, right?

Dear Saintly Sexpert: I struggle with masturbation. How can I keep from this heinous and selfish activity?

–Harry Palms in Tallahassee

Dear Harry: There are very few saints who admitted, publicly, to sexual self-gratification. In fact, I can’t think of any at all. But I do know that a significant number of them practiced mortification of the flesh—biblically speaking, “putting the flesh to death”—by wearing hairshirts, sleeping outdoors, and otherwise submitting their bodies to discomfort. One popular method of mortification involved wearing heavy chains around one’s, ahem, “loins.” Religious historians never cite an exact reason for this, or what it accomplished, but I think we can all agree on one thing: those loin-chains would really get in the way. Head to Home Depot post-haste.

Dear Saintly Sexpert: I am a prostitute, but I’m not one of those prostitutes who’s only in the business to make money. I actually like the work! Sometimes I even do it for free! I’m guessing this is probably not a very moral position. (Ha! Position!) Anyway, what should I do?

–Hooking for Fun in Fargo

Dear Hooking: Your predicament sounds an awful lot like the story of St. Mary of Egypt. She left her home in Egypt at the age of 12, and for seventeen years she lived as a prostitute in Alexandria. Even worse, she didn’t always accept money for her fornicatious activities. (She later described herself as “a fire of public debauch.”) But God got her attention, and Mary eventually abandoned the decadence of society in order to spend the rest of her days in solitude in the desert. That’s where she was discovered, decades later, as a wrinkled and remarkably tan old naked woman (her clothes had long since rotted away). So, therefore, my advice is for you to follow in her footsteps. Leave Fargo, find a desert, remove your clothes, and live there for the next few decades. Put out that fire of public debauch. And grow your hair long so you can cover your naughty parts. That’s what Mary did. At least in the paintings.

Dear Saintly Sexpert: I was raised a Christian, but have lived with a mistress for 15 years. I fathered a child with her, but recently I returned to my faith, and celibacy, as a 32-year-old. What’s next for me?

–Augustine in St. Augustine

Dear Augustine: How many times do I have to answer the same question for you, brother? You need to get moving along the road to becoming the most important theologian, other than St. Paul, in the history of Christianity. Write books (suggested title: Confessions or The City of God seem pretty marketable). Become bishop of Hippo. You’ve been thinking with the wrong part of your body for too long. Put that intelligence to work.

Dear Saintly Sexpert: Help! I’ve been jailed because the governor encountered me out in the fields one day and tried to seduce me. I’m committed to holy chastity, though, so I rejected that dude. Now I’ve been imprisoned and this dragon keeps appearing in my cell and threatening to eat me. What do I do?

–The Dragon Lady, Cell Block #43

Ah, yes. The prison dragon. St. Margaret of Antioch faced a similar nemesis in the third century, when she rejected the advances of the governor of Antioch. She was thrown in jail and, unfortunately, ended up getting swallowed by a dragon that suddenly appeared in her cell. Even more unfortunately, it wasn’t just any old garden-variety dragon. Nope, it was Satan. In disguise. And he ate her up. But Margaret escaped because the crucifix she was wearing forced the dragon’s stomach to tear open. Margaret climbed right out of those devilish dragon guts, completely intact and a bit holier than before. So my advice to you? Wear your crucifix often. And, if possible, sharpen it into a holy shiv.

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That’s it for this edition of “Ask the Saintly Sexpert.” For more about the saints, chastity, and dragon attacks, check out Pocket Guide to Sainthood.

You might also enjoy Jason’s other books: Pocket Guide to the Afterlife and Pocket Guide to the Bible.

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