sex like a puzzle

by Bryan Allain

My wife Erica and I are celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary this month, and if I had to condense those 520 weeks of intimacy and experience into one piece of advice for you it would be this: When it comes to sex, remember that both of you are working on the same puzzle.

Confused? Let me explain.

Every couple goes through a puzzle phase at some point in their marriage. Completing a puzzle together is a great alternative to TV as it actually forces you to work together and communicate. It also provides a great opportunity to try out some new foreplay lines like, “I’d like to snap myself into you” or “you’re looking for a piece that fits here? Well, I’m looking for a piece that fits me.” (Use these at your own risk.)

Erica and I probably built 3 or 4 puzzles together before we got bored with it, but one thing we never tried to do was build two different puzzles at the same time. Imagine how difficult that would be? Each of us emptying our own 500 piece puzzles onto the same table, rifling through our pieces looking for flat edges while our piles begin to slowly mix into one? At every turn we’d be getting in each others way because our goals would be different. In trying to get my puzzle finished I’d be hampering Erica from completing hers.

Not only is this a terrible way to work on a puzzle, it’s also a terrible way to treat marital intimacy. Yet oftentimes, this is exactly how sex is handled in a marriage. Instead of working towards a common goal, each person brings in their own puzzle and only cares about what’s in it for them. She only likes to be on top. He wishes they could have more morning sex. She would like more cuddling before and after. He wants to try out that new position, “The Inverted Lawnmower”. When sex is only about completing your individual puzzle, it doesn’t take long for things to fall apart. Instead of creating one beautiful picture, you end up with two frustrated people confused as to why their sex life isn’t what it should be.

Bringing a selfish attitude into the bedroom completely undermines what the whole point of sex is in the first place. As a couple, you should decide on the “picture” you want to create and talk about how you’re going to get there. Yes, that means talking openly about sex with your spouse. You should talk about everything from favorite (and least favorite) positions, to how dirty the talk can get, to what (if anything) is off limits. Nothing should be too taboo to talk about because in communicating with each other, you’re creating the puzzle picture the two of you are going to spend a whole lot of steamy nights (and afternoon delights) putting together.

If an honest examination of your intimacy reveals that more often than not each of you are working toward your own goals, I encourage you to take a step back and reinvent your sex life with your husband or wife. Throw out the separate puzzles you’ve been working on and decide to work on one together. Forget about the expectations you’ve picked up from movies, past relationships, porn, or other people’s sex habits and have open discussions with each other about what you want YOUR unique picture to look like as a couple. Then, as you put the puzzle together piece by piece, keep the dialogue open. With each piece of honesty and experience you connect together, your picture will become clearer and clearer.

A healthy sex life in a marriage is always a work in progress, but the key is to make sure you’re both working together toward the same goal. Chances are you’ll never complete the picture, but if you do, be sure to glaze it with that puzzle glue, frame it, and mount it on your wall for everyone to see.

(Okay, I think I just took the analogy a bit too far. But hopefully you get the idea.)

Bryan Allain is a writer, engineer, father of two, and husband of one.
He writes, he speaks, and he loves getting people in trouble for laughing.

QUESTION: What do you believe is an important piece of the sexual puzzle for husbands and wives?

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