OK, so the entire question (posted by a blog reader) is actually THIS:
Why would someone like Governor Sanford, who built his entire career on being a straight-shooter, conservative, and Christian, throw it all away with a sexual affair? Are men really that simplistic and stupid?
To offer her opinion/wisdom/answer to the above question is my good friend & fellow author/blogger Anne Jackson–Ms. Jackson if you’re… never mind.
Good Men Having Affairs? Part 1 from Anne Jackson on Vimeo.
Good Men Having Affairs? Part 2 from Anne Jackson on Vimeo.
Click HERE to participate in a survey!
Also, for your reading pleasure, check out these three blog posts that Anne wrote about “boobies”–i.e., breasts, bosoms, mammary glands–or what my wife calls them, “my girls.”
Anne’s thoughts on boobies
Anne’s continuing thoughts on boobies
More of Anne’s thoughts on boobies/affecting other women
Click here to learn more about Anne’s best-selling book Mad Church Disease and click here to follow her on Twitter.
Do you agree? Disagree? How would you answer the question?
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Anne, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Seriously, with what Chris and I have endured over the last 7+ years, I could write a book on this topic.
Wait, I did 🙂
In my personal opinion, you hit the nail smack dab on the head. Way to go! Hopefully, people will realize that they are not immune to the sins they “would never do”.
Hi Matthew.
Anne:
I agree with your message, but I do want to dissect a portion of your words and help further articulate something that often confuses non-Christians looking in on conversations like this.
When Christians say “we’re all equally bad,” we often forget to qualify the statement appropriately.
If you compare the eternal consequences of my bad actions against those of Sanford, then I believe he and I are equally bad. However, in the context of earth-bound consequences (not eternal ones), our actions are not “equally bad.” Some actions (sins) cause a seemingly disproportionate amount of harm and pain and damage, sometimes multi-generationally, than others. The consequences for doing evil here on Earth are weighted differently. And it’s easy to over-look that sometimes, especially when we Christians keep reminding ourselves that “all evil deeds are equally bad.”
Christians often speak in the context of eternity and forget that non-Christians don’t.
Sanford was a repeat offender, this was hardly an accident. Good men have affairs because they are not good men, and often because they are surrounded by “friends” who are not good men. The friends have good intentions, but ultimately are not strong enough to hold them to account.
In summary, one standard of right behavior exists, but the consequences manifest themselves differently in 2 separate environments. One environment is the temporal here and now. The other is the eternal there and then.
Newton’s laws are constant. But if you fire a gun, the bullet, while obeying those laws, behaves differently (exhibits different consequences) when fired under water or in space than it does when fired in my back yard.
peace | dewde
I appreciated Anne’s thoughtful answer, my only challenge would be the scriptural warrant for the idea she expressed that all sins are equal, and that we can not categorize some as worse than others. Her example was the adulterous relationship of the Governor being equal as “sin” to her jealousy of another woman who was prettier than she was.
In one sense it is true that all sins are “equal” in that they all deserve God’s wrath and all require forgiveness from God through Jesus Christ. But what is suggested here is that all sins are “equal” and are therefore there is not one that is viewed as “worse” than another by God.
However, Scripture indicates that God does indeed view some sins as more abominable than others, and that some are more grievous to him than others. This also implies that some sins have more consequences than others as well (which Anne did mention).
Here are a few examples from Scripture that indicate that not all sin is “equal”,
In 1 John 5:16, John indicates that there are sins that do and do not lead to death.
Christ tells Pilate that the Jewish leaders have committed a worse sin than him, saying “he who has handed me over to you has committed the greater sin” (Jn. 19:11). Can the sin be “greater” if they are all equal?
The law says that some sin are an abomination to God, which would imply that others are not as severe: (Ezekiel 8, Lev. 18:22 ).
In Matthew Christ talks about the “weightier things of the law” (Matt 23:23). If all sins are equal, there is no law (or violation of that law) that is weightier than others. They would all be the same “weight”.
Categories have been developed to help us better understand this teaching of Scripture, usually having to do with whether or not the person sinning knew better, who was injured by the sin, and the intention behind the act. A good article on this was written in 2004 by JI Packer which I referred to as I wrote this reply. http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2005/january/19.65.html?start=1.
The Westminster Catechism also addresses this issue: http://www.shortercatechism.com/resources/wsc/wsc_083.htm.
Scripture teaches us that we are all sinful and fallen away from God, and that through the Gospel, or belief in the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ for our sins (all of them, no matter what they are) we can have a restored relationship with God. It is clear that there is no sin that is too great for forgiveness, and that not one person is more depraved than another. So, while we may not all sin at the same level or degree, we still all need the grace of God to restore us, which is found only through Jesus Christ and no one else.
Anne & Matthew
I found it interesting that both Cindy and I read this today. When you have been through it and see the title “Men & Cheating” your heart skips a beat and your mind says “Good Lord what did this person say”?… just being honest…
BUT what you said is dead on. Yes there are SO MANY layers of pain that go with affairs but the sin is sin. Sin is no respecter of status, titles, race or income. Becoming AWARE that you too are just as susceptible to sexual sin is I believe 90% of the battle! Its what you do with those thoughts and feelings that allow you to become either trapped or healed.
If you are a woman “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker IS A MUST READ!
If you have been through an affair know that God is able heal your brokenness regardless of the outcome of your marriage although he longs to heal that too.
Trish refineus.org
This question is way to big for a short video or post..and I have been thinking about writing a book on the subject. But in short, and in my opinion… Men cheat for the a false promise of something better, bigger, etc, and the escape of the life they are in. Most men have become numb with life, living life as routine without feeling and the excitement of an affair is an enticing escape. Some men cheat and subsequently get caught as a way to cry out for help. I could go on.. it’s complex, and if I may say, rarely is the root of an affair boobs hanging out of a shirt.
I think Anne hit the nail on the head when she said NONE of us are immune to an affair. We’re ALL sinners and the most dangerous part of all of this is thinking we’re above it or that we’re safe from it.
The question that started this really threw me off a bit. Almost to question why MEN would have affairs. Well… they’re having affairs… with WOMEN.
I AM THAT WOMAN.
I had an affair… while I was married. Before that, I thought I was immune. Though our marriage was far from perfect, I was never unhappy in my marriage. I told my husband about the affair and all I can say is HE IS AMAZING. We are working through our mess (yes… though I was the one who stepped outside our marriage vows, we are BOTH accountable and responsible for our “mess”).
We are ALL sinners… and though the consequences range to our sins, and some may appear humanely bigger than others (molesting and killing children IS more devastating that jealousy in our hearts)… God views all sin the same. It’s SIN.
Now, if you could pray for us… the one’s who are left to clean up our own mess (the Beall’s, the Davis’, The Clayville’s…)… and extend a little grace and love, it helps the healing.
Jenni,
Thanks for your honesty and for sharing about your situation. My only concern with your statement is that Scripture does not support the idea that all sin is the same or equal as you said. For example, what does it mean when you say that “all sin is the same, its SIN?” Is every type of sin literally and actually the same? It may seem silly for me to harp on this, however this is a very important theological issue here. If all sin is the same, then we should feel no different about adultery than we do about maybe a lie about our age or something along those lines. When we view the scriptural teaching of sin properly (ie: that not all sin is equal in God’s eyes and that scripture does reflect some sins are greater or more grievous than others) I think it causes us to prepare ourselves and respond more cautiously to avoid those sins that are clearly more serious than others (like adultery or sexual sins against our body for example).
I would like to challenge you to evaluate what Scripture teaches on this topic and see if you come to a similar conclusion based on the text itself. The idea that “all sin is equal” has been around in evangelical circles for awhile now it seems, but it’s clearly missing what the Bible teaches on the topic.
Sincerely,
Jenny
Jenny…
I appreciate how much value you put on the importance of making sure what we believe is pulled directly from scripture.
I am not disagreeing with you. All sin is not equal. I believe my sin was greater BECAUSE I was saved… I new better… I made a conscious choice to sin. In the Bible, the greater sins listed (like “haughty eyes”) represented unrepentant sin. THAT’S the bigger sin… the sin that keeps on sinning.
What I’m simply saying is this: ALL SIN is SIN. It’s the ugliness that tears us away from the presence of God. From bitterness that is held in the privacy of your own heart to the most serial rapist/killer… it all has the same result. Separation from your Creator. It doesn’t matter if you’re table salt, sea salt or a big chunk of rock salt… the fact is this: it’s all just salty.
So for me, in the end, though I am beyond mortified, humbled… actually, humiliated… I’m repentant. I “outted” myself because I could no longer live in the darkness. I am choosing to live in the light though it shows ALL my imperfections and God’s promise is to restore me AND my marriage.
My issue is towards those who have judge, gossip and turn their back on those of us who have really messed up. All I’m saying is YOUR JUNK STINKS TOO!
That’s all!
Humbly,
Jenni
http://www.jenniclayville.com
Why do we feel differently about lying than we do about someone having an affair?
James 2:10, “For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.”
Does that not also include those who lie? Those who are glutton? Those who murder? Those who have affairs?
Sin is sin, but the consequences of our sins are different. The consequences of an affair is different from lying but all is sin. And Christ died for all of them. Each and every one.
If we condemn the ones who’s sin is sexual… what are we saying about the blood of Christ? That isn’t good enough to cover them also?
His grace is for all who have sinned. Not selective sin. And so should ours be as well.
Anne, Jenni, et al: thanks for your candid comments on this touchy (pun intended) subject. The messiness and complexity of affairs is much more hidden, and when sin is hidden, it’s given too much power and festers. My thoughts (as a red-blooded male) is that men-women temptation for affair goes far below the surface than what we’re wearing, or holding on to precautions on how we work together or relate.
While affairs at the core are a matter of the heart, revealing a move towards breaking their commitment and vows, my thinking at this time is that the marriage is lacking 3 things: (1) unresolved tension, (2) safe meaningful cross-gender relationships and friendships, (3) people close enough to them to call them out.
DJ…
Absolutely! You’re right on about how the affair goes “far below the surface than what we’re wearing”
I can’t speak to other’s experience in this, but in my own, it had less to do with “the affair” or the other man, but more to do with myself and my need to feel whole (obviously… or maybe not so obviously… this can only come from knowing Christ).
I have to say I disagree with #2 & #3 a bit.
#2 – that’s how my affair started. relationships with the opposite sex are rarely safe so we need to put a hedge around that boundary. I don’t have “relationships” with the opposite sex now without my husband present or knowing all details. I think marriages should “lack” cross gender relationships more often.
#3 – I HAD some really close friends call me out on this while it was going on. No one knew… but some suspected. You can only be kept accountable if you’re willing. So… maybe what you’re saying is not as much having people willing to keep you accountable as much as YOU yourself being real and open enough to be KEPT accountable.
DJ clued me in to this page on my lunch break so here I am.
I don’t think Anne really answer the question of “Why do _good_ men have affair?” (I think she answered the “Why do men have affair?”
I think the issue is in the word “_good_” itself. If we think we are “good”, then we know longer watch our hearts carefully (since our outward behaviors are generally “good”). Then when we keep on keeping up the appearance of outside goodness and neglecting the private heart before God, sin eat ourselves from the inside out, and we fall.
Bumble – http://i12know.xanga.com
Anne –
I appreciate the thought you put in to the second video and while I agree, I agree hesitantly. Or better-phrased, I agree in part.
You didn’t really answer the issue about the SC Gov., which I think is pertinent. Sanford wasn’t seeing a woman who was scantily-dressed and “revealing too much skin,” he was corresponding with her over the internet. And while it’s possible and plausible that she did indeed entice him with nude photos, the point is that HE WAS ACTIVELY INVOLVED. Scripture is clear about sin and temptation – we fall in to sin when we succumb to our own lust, and then give in to that temptation. James 1:14-15 (NAS) is my reference: But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.
Do I think that as a woman, I have a responsibility not to cause others to stray by my clothing-choices? Yes, I do. Is it ALL my responsibility? Absolutely not.
Consider cultures in which women wear burquas and are covered from head-to-toe. One would think that in a highly-identifying-Muslim culture such as this, that sexual violence and sexual sin would be non-existent. And yet, friends of mine who live in this culture in the Middle East report exactly the opposite – pornography is in the daily NEWSPAPER (think New York Times & the like) and sexual crimes against women are so commonplace that only foreigners are shocked. I know this is comparing apples & oranges with regard to Christianity and Islam, but principles are true, no matter where we find them, and so if the “cover appropriately” principle is true, then sexual sin would be absent from this example.
For too long, I was held hostage by someone else’s understanding of modesty, forgetting that I had a heart and mind with which to hear from the Holy Spirit. I do not dress floozy-ish in any way, shape, or form, but I also will not take responsibility for another’s lust-problem. I’ve seen men undress and look lustfully at women who were “appropriately dressed” in church, and that tells me that it’s not controlled by external factors, but is indeed a heart-condition.
Which takes it back to Sanford & othes who have cheated – it’s a heart-issue. Not a matter of being enticed by not wearing appropriate clothing. If the heart is right, it steers the body and mind – and it will steer clear of an affair. The same is true in my life, and my husband (who cheated on me) will tell you the same: it’s a heart condition.
Respectfully,
Cori
Cori, Thank you for saying so beautifully what I have been sitting here all day trying to put into words.
I am responsible for what I wear and what I think. The men around me are responsible for what they wear and what they think.
When we start becoming the clothing police, I think we run the risk of getting stuck in the same predicament as the Pharisees who focused so much on the external, they forgot that the internal is what really counts.
You said it so well. :^)
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cori, you hit the nail on the head.
While i can whole-heartedly agree with the statement ‘sin is sin’ – i find the comparison of the pain destruction of an affair to the envying of some woman at the grocery store to be far too glib.
As one who has lost her marriage and years of her life as well as having undergone a lot of pain as the result of a straying husband (a *formerly* professing believer) who was decidedly unrepentant and who chose to leave the marriage, i find this both insulting and dismissive.
i’m sure that wasn’t the intention, but i do think that this answer is overtly naive.
Hi Anne,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I’m with Megs and you on your “sin is sin” point, and I don’t mean to come off as too critical, but I think taking that angle (a sort of postmodern/Malcolm Gladwell “let’s look at why we respond the way we do first” approach) yielded a missed opportunity here.
I’m glad that we’re coming to a place where we’re not so quick to point fingers, and we’re willing to deal with the planks in our eyes. One of my biggest fears when I became a believer as an adult was that I’d become a Christian… the kind I saw on TV. I’m glad the church is more self-aware than I initially assumed.
But the answer to why people sin is not “you sin too.”
And maybe some of my disappointment is with the question itself, which starts off serious and ends up trite, and maybe that steered the answer away from the actual point.
But I think that the question is a serious one, and that several of the commenters have made really great points:
1) All sin is against God, but there are sins which do and do not do serious damage to other people, and those are the kind that we need to probably talk about the most.
2) As with pornography, affairs offer up the lie that you can have something for nothing. You don’t have to take the responsibilities that come with a family and emotions and relationships… you can have the sex and the affection, feel like the man in the movies, and lock the door on the way out.
There’s a lie we’ve all been told by the media and by society that if two adults consent, there won’t be emotional damage. Sanford bought the lie and entered an alternate reality that looks a lot like what an addict’s mind does (full disclosure: I am one), and he’s clearly still going through it (because he hasn’t resigned).
That I wish the Lotus in my church parking lot were mine doesn’t quite compare. My $.02.
Crystal,
I would like to respond to your question, “Why do we feel differently about lying than we do about someone having an affair?”
We should feel differently about these things not only because they are very different in their nature and scope and who they affect, but also because scripture gives us warrant to think differently abotu them as well.
Lying is a bit general since it depends on the kind of lie, but you see the point that if we are assuming a “white lie” or something of a “smaller nature” is equal to adultery, we have a problem. We are all depraved and guilty of breaking God’s law, and therefore we all need the grace that comes only through a relationship with Christ to restore us in our relationship with God. Jesus Christ paid the penalty for our sin, so that we don’t have to experience the real punishment for our sin in Hell.
We can’t however, just look at one verse when we are discussing this issue, we must let scripture interpret scripture and see what all of scripture says on this topic of “is all sin equal” or however we want to categorize it.
Based on the several verses I mentioned above, and a host of other verses in psalms and proverbs even, we can see that God does indeed view different sins as not only different in their consequences (which I think most everyone would already agree with) but different in their severity as well, meaning that God views some as more grievous to him than others. I already referenced 1 John 5:16, but that is one clear example of their being some sins that “lead to death” implying of course that there are other sins that do not lead to death.
I agree that all sin seperates us in our relationship with God, and without their being a sacrifice for our sins (through Christ) we are all stuck in that seperation. What I can not agree with is the statement or assumption that all sins are viewed equally by God in their nature, severity, consequences, and so forth, because quite plainly, the Bible says the opposite.
This is an issue I was confronted with over two years ago, and one that I had to change my position on also(I also used to say “but all sin is sin, its the same to God” as I realized that my view was not supported by God’s word.
Sincerely,
Jenny