Watch this video. I promise it’s MUCH shorter than the one I did about masturbation. 🙂
MY WIFE TALKS ABOUT HER CHILDHOOD
Hello there. I’m Jessica. Matthew’s better half. 🙂 If you know anything about his story, you know that he grew up in a pretty crazy, fundamental-Baptist home.
I did not.
Thank you, Jesus.
I grew up Catholic in Wisconsin. (No, we did not live on a farm. Yes, I love cheese.)
My parents were not super religious, though they believed and taught us that Catholic values like no-sex-before-marriage were important. However, this didn’t make them prudish about sex. Quite the contrary. My parents talked more about sex and sexuality than any of my friends’ parents.
My dad was particularly verbal. His jokes made me cringe sometimes, but they also made me laugh and slowly brought about a sexual confidence in me.
Looking back my parents openness really gave me an assured, healthy appreciation for sex within the confines of marriage. When I became a Christian in high school and dedicated myself to be more than a Christmas and Easter church-goer, that healthy perspective remained. I had a serious boyfriend, but sex was never an option.
In talking with many of my Christian friends, I know that most were not as fortunate as me. Their parents had awkward birds and the bees talks and then never discussed the subject again. This lack of conversation often lead to them doing their own research, learning from their friends and/or experimenting for themselves – many times leading to hurt, confusion and frustration.
When Matthew and I got married, I was able to express the freedom that had been cultivated by my parents during my time at home. As a parent, I hope to instill the same comfort-level about sex with Elias (minus the cringe-worthy jokes). I know it is a fine line, but I am grateful my parents walked it well.
How do you model healthy sexuality for your children?
TEACHING KIDS A HEALTHY PERSPECTIVE ABOUT SEX
by Dana Ellis
After a long day of playing outside with my then three-year-old, and fervently re-applying sunscreen to her delicate skin, I was sporting a nice little sunburn of my own. As I was standing their in all of my naked glory, while my husband applied one of God’s miracles, aloe vera gel, Emma pranced into the room. With worry in her eyes, she exclaimed, “Don’t let daddy see your bottom”!! Since she was getting older, we had began to try to break her, much loved, streaking habit by trying to teach her the importance of modesty. No wonder, she was confused about my lack of modesty in front of someone not on the list of acceptable people to see your bottom: IE: doctor, daddy, etc..
My husband and I looked at each other with a look that said, “Wow, what do we do with this one” while at the same time, trying to hold in a little snicker at the thought of “being caught.” In the hastiness of trying to make a decision on having to deal with the issue at hand, I looked down at her and laughingly said, “It’s okay for dad to see my bottom. He’s my husband. One day, you’ll be married and your husband will like seeing your bottom too”. Because of the look of surprise from my husband, maybe even shock, I could no longer hold my laughter. And though both my daughter and my husband stood there looking at me like my hair was on fire instead of my skin, I felt sure that I had said the right thing.
After ten years in ministry, I have seen many, many Christian women that struggle in their sexual relationships with their husbands. At first, this phenomenon took me by surprise. A lot of the women that I have spoken to about this issue followed all the rules, saving themselves for their husbands. Therefore, I was shocked that with them having “following all the rules”, they didn’t have the most amazing sex life possible.
But, after having some time to analyze this situation, I came to believe that after years and years being told , “sex is bad, sex is bad”, many women, maybe men too, are unable to make the jump to, “oh, you’re getting married? Sex is GOOD”..
Though I can’t express the number of times I rolled my eyes in disgust at my parents as a teenager, I am so thankful for the display of affection that they displayed on a regular basis. Though it was not inappropriate in any way, I was very aware that they were intimate and it wasn’t just my dad that enjoyed it but my mom as well. I have thanked God many times since I’ve been married for the healthy view of sex that He gave me through witnessing my parent’s relationship.
I don’t believe that “sexual purity” is a bad thing to want for our children. But, I do believe that this goal alone is anemic. I pray that my husband and I, like my parents did me, teach our girls that sex is a wonderful, gift that God gives to married people. Teaching them will, no doubt, include the fact that sexual impurity cheapens that gift, leaving it less than the blessing that God designed. But our prayer for our girls, is not only, that they remain “sexually pure” but, that my husband and I will display marriage in the way that God intended it to be. And, that they will in turn, live a lifestyle that will help them to fully embrace the blessings that God desires so badly to give them.
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Great post! There is indeed a fine line and after having three kids that are now young adults, I have no idea if I did a good job with this or not. I tried. It is awkward. But we did model a physically expressive marriage for my kids based on sexual purity before marriage. We’ve talked about things such as how “Saving yourself” is also for DURING marriage, not just before. We’ve modeled friendship and the idea that sex is FUN I think. But we’ll see. My kids will undoubtably have hang ups I can never foresee just as I do! ( and we all do) Biggest point to make to you moms?
Do your best and say good-bye to the guilt. Enjoy your husband. Build a strong relationship. It will model more than words ever will.
No one ever talked to me about sex–until junior high home ec class where we watched the film showing a man and woman sleeping together in a bed. Educational, indeed! Sleep = babies! Oh sure, I was surrounded by slang talk in school, but I was too geeky and innocent to be able to put it all together.
Keeping that in mind, I vowed to do things differently with my own kids. I made sure to start talking about sex (in age-appropriate ways) starting around age 3-4. That’s when the whole modesty / body parts / gender issues start to surface. Personally, I’ve found it easier to start young and get the awkwardness out of the way when the kids don’t notice Mommy Turning Red.
Also, in this day and age, I don’t believe in staying hush-hush about the topic (as many Christian parents tend to do) because of abuse that so often occurs. (I can’t remember the percentage but it is Shocking.) I have been very straightforward with my kids about saying — ‘these parts are not for other people…just for spouses.’
Anyway, if you click my name to this comment, I’ve done a review of three books that are EXCELLENT for handling this subject with kids. And what I appreciate about that set of books is that they DON’T take a moral stand (what?!?), which allows the parents to discuss and set certain boundaries (based on the child, culture, etc.). I’ve read enough Christian books on the topic and YIKES, when you put morality on paper it looks really legalistic. “Don’t wear a skirt that’s 2.3″ above the knees…no kissing until you’re 40…blah blah blah.”
jessica – we are the same way around here with our kiddos. we’re pretty open about sex and dont hide them from certain “words” or jokes. if they look mortified we’ll talk about it. which, is often =o i kid. in return, they are very open about it. mostly my son. but that has a lot to do with the sax-camp brent took him on a couple years back. complete with diagrams drawn in the dirt. holla!
ok. so there might be therapy in that ones future.
i love this!
i grew up with a single mom who was mortified to ever talk to us about anything sexual. to this day… it’s an “Evil” topic. the first time we ever heard about any of this was in PUBLIC SCHOOL. WTH???
needless to say, it’s affected all of us 3 sisters in a negative way.
i am really learning from all of YOU how to appropriately raise my sons to not feel like it’s such a taboo subject.
God help us all. Shoot…
Even though I’m not married yet and therefore don’t have kids yet, I really, really appreciate this post. I grew up in a Southern Baptist, often legalistic-driven school (where I was rountinely punished for “shortness” of my shorts– that were actually my brother’s– my attempt to follow the knee-length rule).
My friends and I have often discussed how hard it will be to make the jump from “sex is BAD BAD BAD” to “sex is good good GOOOOOOD” virtually overnight, just because there was a wedding ceremony and we said “I do.” It does beg the question, how to you cultivate a healthy perspective of sex, while also teaching the boundaries that God intended for sex?
I think the way you all are parenting is fantastic. Thank you for the examples you’re all setting and for being willing to actually talk about it. It’s so nice to be able to say these kinds of things “out loud,” isn’t it?
I was raised with a what I think was a pretty healthy view of sex, despite the fact that my family (FAITHFULLY–4 times a week) attended a church that was a strange thinktank of fundamental/legalistic and Pentecostal theology.
My parents talked about sex seriously once in awhile, and it was obvious they enjoyed the physical pleasures of their marriage from all the little jokes, glances, and physical affection. My family joked about sex a lot. The first time I returned home after getting married, my siblings had rigged something that looked like a smoke alarm right next to the bedroom door. Next to it was a sign that read “Sex Alarm: Loud noises will trigger the alarm” or something like that. We all laughed about it.
I have tried to raise my son in the same manner. Sex is a topic of conversation just like anything else–not some weird, off-limits, secret taboo subject. Occasionally, one of us will roll our eyes, cover our ears, and say “That’s just too much information right now,” but I would much rather err on the side of too much information than not enough.
I have tried to approach sexuality (as with all things) with consideration for what Scripture has to say about it. However, the Bible has not been the “be all and end all” of our conversations. For one thing, phrases such as “sexual immorality” have gone through some interesting translations and are not (in my opinion) clearly and thoroughly defined in Scripture–especially as it relates to 2 unmarried, consenting adults.
Things like dating, birth control, sexually transmitted diseases, petting, and masturbation are not addressed much (if at all) in the Bible. So, for those issues, I’ve referenced medical/biological studies, my own experiences and life consequences, and my emotions surrounding all things “sexual.”
Now that my son is almost an adult and has become an atheist, I’m glad that every sex talk we’ve had was NOT ONLY based on what the Bible says or what the church says or even what the majority of Christians say. If I had done that, my son might be tempted to throw all sexual morals right out the window with his Bible and his church propaganda.
Instead, because our talks about sexuality went beyond Christian resources and were grounded in honest, real, heart-to-heart, personal communication based on real life, we are still talking about sex. And I consider that a blessing. :^)
Thanks to both moms for sharing their stories and to you MPT for reminding us that sexual history is more than a checklist that you get your intended to fill out while hooked to a polygraph machine before “the big night”…
Hopefully, guys (are you out there?), you aren’t just gonna leave it up to us women to teach the next generation to “ignore” sex until they are married. Sometimes I feel like this is what “good, successful, Christian parents goals are: to ignore sex until married. 🙂 Sarcasm here! Sorry! But I do think that instruction on sexuality should come at an early age, meaning teaching awareness of our bodies, and the conversation just needs to flow from there continually throughout growing up.
I love the ideas and experiences in the previous comments. I know that just having one talk with a few sketches just is not enough. And I have found (like with my 10 year old) that even if you do have a few thorough conversations, they don’t always remember the details. When I had her youngest sister, she wanted to know all the details of how the baby got there and where exactly it comes out. I gave her the information and then 2 years later when she asked about it when pregnant with her brother, she honestly did not remember the details and needed them (or the reassurance that I was telling her the truth) again.
I have tried to keep sexuality talk open and normal, but also special and discreet. I don’t want my kids to just ignore sex until they are married. I want them to learn all they can and be honest with me so they will want to save it and savor it in marriage…and hopefully they will know how, learning from my mistakes and honesty.
My sexual history is more common than most people realize. I was sexually abused by my grandfather and my father for years.
Needless to say, I thought I was only good for one thing and hated all men for taking what I offered.
Men in the church were just as quick to jump in bed with me as guys in bars. I left church for ten years because I was told I was “toxic.”
I can’t imagine that I’m the only woman (or man) coming into marriage with a deeply damaged sexual past.
After therapy, I’m happily married to a wonderful, compassionate man for 20 years but still struggle with this part of marriage.
Now it’s my chance to teach my daughters not to be afraid of sex.
Nicole: Love these posts. As a mom and a child and adolescent counselor I have a lot to say on this topic. I was raised in a family that never discussed sex. Never. Ever. And as a teen and young adult I was certainly having sex. A lot. My husband and I have made an effort to create an age appropriate openness about sex and sexuality with our three children.
But, I think that my 17 year old daughter, Jocelyn, can add more to the conversation about how we address sex issues as parents than I can. So, I’ve asked her to comment with me. (P.S. MPT, she thinks sex week is great. hmmm…)
Jocelyn: I think it is really good when parents talk to their kids about sex. Because believe me, kids are having sex and talking about having sex. When parents and kids are comfortable talking about it with each other kids feel more open. Plus parents then know what their kids are doing and can talk to them about it and make sure they are being safe. Just because you tell your kid not to have sex does not mean they won’t do it.
At our house my mom has always encouraged me to talk with her about sex. I knew she cared about it. When I became sexually active she talked with me and didn’t freak out. We discussed it and she told me how she felt and made sure I was safe. And she cared about what I thought and felt. In my friends houses sex isn’t talked about. My friends parents have freaked out when they found out that the kid is having sex. They have yelled, screamed, and even called her names. It would be so much better if they just talked about it calmly like my parents do. Oh, and my mom is wonderful!
Nicole: Is she the greatest kid in the world or what?
Hm. Maybe I’m somewhere in the middle. My parents talked about it a little bit…in a fairly positive way. I went to a Christian school and they talked about it a lot…we had this lady who called herself “the chastity lady” come every year and speak. She was good, I think…funny and positive but convincing that sex was worth waiting for. I also went to a big Petra concert where Josh McDowell spoke on his whole “Why Wait?” book. That was the biggest thing for me…the main reason I waited was fear. And frankly, it worked for me so I’m not convinced it’s a bad thing to put a little fear into kids minds.
I think possibly the biggest thing that helped my attitude about sex was discovering my mom’s lingerie collection. These were not just nighties either.
I’m pretty sure I WILL freak out if my kids have sex as teenagers. 🙂
“I don’t believe that “sexual purity” is a bad thing to want for our children. But, I do believe that this goal alone is anemic.”
Amen and Amen!! This is a too often problem in the church world. So many of our views and goals are anemic. They fall short of what God intended.
Jesus came not just to keep us from sin but to bring us to Him. And sex was designed to do that – bring us to Him and that is why keeping from sin (outside the confines of marriage) is so important b/c when we don’t our image of Him can become blurred and our path to Him cluttered with debris.
Another great post! These are all awesome! I can’t believe I didn’t come check your blog sooner!
thanks for putting out for us MPT! Getting some good stuff up front and personal helps make life more manageable if not enjoyable!