a q&a with becky knight, a certified sexologist!

MATTHEW: Becky, you’re bio says you’re a “sexologist.” What does that mean?
BECKY: That is a fun title, isn’t it? Basically, a sexologist studies what people do sexually and how they feel about it. It encompasses sexual development, sexual functioning, and sexual relationships. I find that it’s a fascinating field because it has implications for everyone. We are all sexual beings, from birth to death.

Do you wear a lot of black leather?
(Laughs) I’m a sexologist, not a dominatrix! So no, no black leather for me. Although I am always on the lookout for the perfect pair of black leather boots.

So you probably don’t spank people, huh?
Well, I do have three kids. And a husband… But, no, not clients. We don’t do “hands-on” work of any kind. For some people that’s a relief, and for some that’s a disappointment.

That sounds like a story I wouldn’t be allowed to share on my blog. OK, so before I interrupted, you were sharing about us being sexual beings…
Well, I like to remind people that being sexual doesn’t suddenly happen at puberty and then disappear at retirement. Of course, that’s because human sexuality encompasses a lot more than genitals and what we do with them. Sexuality is about how we experience our gender and our gender roles, about our relationship with our body, about how we interact with others, how we use sex to get attention, and about how we express our sexual selves to others. There’s a diagram I often use called The Circles of Sexuality and it has about thirty terms listed. It’s been my experience that people often have a very limited view of what “sexuality” is.

So basically you help people become more in touch with their sexual selves…
As a practitioner, I work as an educator and coach, helping clients reach a goal such as increasing their desire for sex, learning to orgasm, or simply learning more about how sex works. Some of my clients just need a safe person to talk to, often because their parents, church or social circle has not been able to discuss sexuality in an open and honest way.

So what did your parents say when you told them you wanted to be a sex professional?
My parents didn’t flinch, but I think my in-laws find it rather disconcerting. When I’m with them I refer to my work “at the Marriage Therapist’s office” — that makes it easier for everyone.

That makes your job sound almost holy.
Almost. Of course, I anticipate that it could get interesting as my kids get older. What could be more embarrassing for a middle-schooler than to have classmates find out your mom is a sexologist?

OK, so Becky I know a lot of Christian men and women who feel uncomfortable/embarrassed discussing sexual matters–even with their spouse–can you recommend something to possibly help this sort of person to loosen up?
Here’s the truth–Good sex–the kind that is physically, emotionally, and spiritually fulfilling–it doesn’t just happen. It takes work! And a lot of that work comes in the form of verbal communication. It’s common for people, especially people who grew up in homes where sex was seldom discussed or was only discussed in very negative ways, to not know how to talk about sex.

But there are a lot of ways to get people talking. One really simple strategy would be for the couple to read a book together – and not just read it, but discuss it.

Another strategy is to get them communicating on paper first. Sometimes we give clients a sheet of paper with an outline of body, front and back. Then we give them some markers – green, yellow and red. We invite them to mark the areas on their body where they like being touched (green), might like being touched (yellow) and do not want to be touched (red).

Similarly, I might give them a list of sexual behaviors and invite them to mark which ones they want to do, might want to do, and definitely do not want to do.

Both of these exercises provide a structure around which to talk about sexual preferences. It gets a conversation started, and where a couple takes it from there is up to them.

What do you find most troubling in regards to sexuality among Christians? Are the issues we encounter much different than the ones encountered by non-Christians?
There is a book from a Christian publishing house that sits on my bookshelf and every time I see it I feel a surge of anger (righteous indignation, I believe) well up inside of me. I think it’s a dangerous book, and although I would love to throw it out, I keep it as a reminder of how a well-meaning book for Christian young people can get so much wrong.

The part of the book that I find most troubling is the chapter on oral sex. It goes on for pages telling girls things like:

All you are to him is a hole.
He just wants oral sex so he can brag to his friends.
He doesn’t really like you, he just wants to use you.
You’ll be overcome with guilt and shame about it afterward.
People will think less of you when they find out what you’ve done.

Oh, and the kicker for me is at the very end of this long diatribe the author writes: “But once you’re married, go for it!”

Wow. That sounds like a very Christian book. I’m pretty sure I read that one
Matthew, I could go on for days, literally for days, talking about what is wrong with this approach. It is so damaging. I think Christians are trying to be better about talking about the positive aspects of sexuality, but there is a common approach which seems to be to scare the pants off, I mean ON, of kids by telling them every possible negative consequence of sex, and then somehow expecting that once a ring is on their finger they will instantly forget all of those messages and enjoy a shame-free sex life ever-after.

And there may be some people who can make that transition with ease, but the majority of my clients suffer sexual problems as adults due, at least in some part, to their experience with that kind of teaching regarding sex. I think that Christians can often be so worried about “sexual purity” that they disregard “sexual health.” And I would argue that this scare-tactic doesn’t work, and actually creates more problems than it solves.

This question I received from a female blog reader: “I’m married. I love my husband very much. We were both virgins when we got married 3 years ago. I feel guilty for even writing this, but I find his penis to be the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen… We have intercourse, but my husband really wants me to perform oral, but I just can’t. It’s just gross to me. Can I get past this? I love my husband very much.”
This is a situation where I would want to talk with her more about her sexual formation — what are the messages that’s she’s received about bodies, about men, and about sex. Does she feel that her vulva is ugly? What does she think of oral sex “performed” on her? (Sorry, but I try not to use the word “perform” because I think it implies that sex is something we do for the other person instead of for our own pleasure).

So the short answer would be that, yes, she can get past this. The long answer would be that there’s probably a lot more to unpack here.

Here’s another question from a blog reader: “What, if anything, is considered sinful between husband and wife regarding sex?”
I would approach this from a perspective of “sexual integrity.” What I mean by that is not “integrity” in a moral sense, but rather integral, holistic, consistent. I help people clarify their guiding values and then explore how those values are reflected in their sexual life (or how they are not).

This works for singles too, by the way. If people are unsure if a particular activity is OK, it helps to see how it does or does not align with their guiding values. Rather than deciding if something is right or wrong, I would encourage them to explore how it might be healthy or unhealthy. Is it an attitude or behavior that creates intimacy or destroys intimacy?

Which of course begs the question, “What is intimacy?” Or “What is sexual health?” I think that wrestling with those ideas is much more profitable, in terms of creating a good sex life, than debating whether some particular thing is sinful or not.

Have any tips for married couples who have a decent sex life but would like to improve it?
A quick tip would be to have eyes-open sex. Too often, people close their eyes and tune out sensations in the belief that it will help them last longer or reach a better climax. Wrong! Take everything in. Be fully present in your body. Absorb the sounds and smells and sights of sex.

And what’s even better than eyes-open sex? Eyes-open orgasms.

To learn more about Beck Knight, visit her website at LivingSexuality.com

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