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the sex prayer?

By August 10, 2009sex week


My friend Jennifer Schuchmann wrote a book called Six Prayers God Always Answers, and here she explores whether or not there’s one more.

I’ve been thinking about desire a lot after a recent conversation with my sister. Annie is married to a Navy man and lives in Italy in a little resort village near her husband’s port. When the men are out to sea, the Navy wives get together and hang out. Annie was surprised that they also wanted to get together when their men were home.

“I didn’t want to go out, I wanted to stay home with Tony,” she told me. “And when we did get together, I couldn’t believe what they were saying. They kept saying that they wanted their husbands to go back out to sea. They were tired of them being around. I don’t understand that,” said Annie. “ I just want to spend every waking moment with Tony. I would be happy just the two of us alone in our house forever.”

Did I mention Annie has been married for less than a year?

And her husband has been gone more than half of that year?

I think we all feel that way when we’re newly married. We can’t get enough of each other; we can’t keep our hands off each other. But somewhere down the road when we’ve been married a few years a phone conversation with a newlywed reminds us we don’t have that same passion and desire for our spouse we once did.

Is this normal?

I’m not sure if it’s normal, but it’s certainly common. Women talk. And I’ve heard women talk about how they don’t want their husband touching them because the kids have been hanging on them all day, or because they’re just too tired from their jobs and taking care of the house. They blame their husbands for not helping and when you’re mad at someone, it’s hard to get excited about having sex with him.

Sometimes desires wanes for a spouse because of physical changes. After you’ve been married for a few years, one (or both!) get a little flabbier, a little grayer, or occasionally have to take a little blue pill to get their blog up, and things just don’t seem as exciting as they once did.

My husband and I have been married for almost twenty years and we’ve experienced all of the above. (Well, except for the little blue pill but that could still be in our future.) Over time we’ve learned some ways to cope. For example, my husband knows the best aphrodisiac for me isn’t foreplay; it’s a clean house. But recently, I’ve discovered there may be another solution to an occasional lack of desire. And believe me it’s an unexpected one.

I co-authored a book with Mark Herringshaw called “Six Prayers God Always Answers.” After the book came out, I started hearing about women praying to always desire their husband. One woman prayed that she would “always thrill to her husband’s touch.” Another prayed that all her children “would be conceived in passion.”

I wrote the book on removing the awkwardness from prayer, but can I just say praying for great sex is A.W.K.W.A.R.D.?

But apparently, it works.

My friend Kelley had an authentic marriage, and by authentic I mean the kind where her husband wanted sex more than she did. But over the years, it came to the point where she never wanted it. She would lie on her back and count ceiling tiles and listen to Fox news for the thirty or so seconds it took to uh, satisfy her man. But Kelley wasn’t happy with this. She believed in her marriage and wanted to find a way to love her husband better so she started to pray. She prayed that God would help her desire her husband.

As Kelley tells it, “It worked. We’re like rabbits. I keep pouring gallons of milk down the drain just to I can send my eighteen-year-old to the store so we can have a few minutes of privacy. We’re doing it upstairs, downstairs, and on the stairs.”

The next time your spouse says, “Not now, I’ve got a headache,” consider it an invitation to pray together as a couple. In fact, I might have to talk to my publisher about revising the book before it comes out in paperback evidently, this is the seventh prayer God always answers.

-To learn more about Jennifer as well as her latest book First Things First, a collaboration with Kurt and Brenda Warner, visit JenniferSchuchmann.com.

QUESTION: How does prayer influence your sex life?

[MPT: And yes, for the record, I do know the couple in the above picture are more than likely sleeping… not praying…:)]Share/Save/Bookmark

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Matthew Paul Turner

Author Matthew Paul Turner

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Join the discussion 10 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    I can relate to this article having been the newlywed “gpoing like rabbits” and the 20 years-married couple who’ve been through serious illness, childbirth and depression.

    I do feel that advice is always geared towards the spouse with the lower libido to “rise up” (no pun intended) to the needs of the spouse with greater needs. Between “30 Days of Sex!” preaching, modern culture and sexualized media, there’s strong pressure to have sex constantly, even when one is sick, exhausted or needing time alone to regroup. I think it sometimes creates unrealistic expections for both spouses.

    I think sex is *very* important in a relationship, and we need to put our spouse’s needs first. But there are times when the spouse with the stronger drive can try being considerate of the spouse with the weaker drive.

    Consideration and agape self-less love works both ways.

  • ttm says:

    I consider prayer “hanging out with and talking to” God. I talk to God about everything–feelings, money, friendships, work,theology, politics, parenting, health, so why wouldn’t I talk to him about sex? It’s part of who I am, and he made me with those desires/needs/wants (I’ll be all-inclusive there so we don’t end up quibbling about which one sex really is…)

    He already knows everything about me–what I’ve thought, am thinking, and will think; what I’ve done, am doing, will do; who I’ve loved or hurt, am loving or hurting, will love or hurt–so why not get real about everything?

    And, by the way, thanks for bringing in the perspective of a woman who has been married for a long time and has actually thought about how the “little blue pill” might one day impact her sexuality. That’s exactly the kind of “elder” I was hoping you’d bring into the conversation. THANK YOU for maintaining a diverse group of experts.

    You rock! :^)

  • Chad Estes says:

    This is sort of off topic, but I was on church staff with a married couple who told me that they liked to pray in tongues DURING sex… I’ve never tried it because I’m pretty sure this would creep my wife out and make baby Jesus cry.

  • Brian Miller says:

    great post. praying together is another form of initimacy as you allow your spouse to see you being real with God…assuming you are of course. i am pretty sure God is interested in our sexuality and i imagine he wants us to share the same burning passion at 20 years that we have the first night. i pray i always love and desire my wife and that it grows daily. i think it is a prayer God loves.

  • Not to pimp my own blog, but I did a 20 week series on this very topic and was really overwhelmed with the response of women struggling with this very topic. As wives and mothers we want to be wives first but it is incredibly hard. Anyway, check it out if you are interested.

    http://thediaperdiaries.net/the-challenge-a-refresher/

  • Anonymous says:

    As a passionate woman married for quite some time and a mother to many, I would like to say that God has put His blessing upon our sex life as He has every other portion of our life–and with great passion and intensity. How else does one refuel than to drink up the affections and good intentions of their soul mate? God is certainly there in the midst of such passion and celebrating the love and intimacy we share. Perhaps passion at it’s finest is just a glimpse of the Paradise we are offered in our relationship with Christ. Maybe it’s just one more way God is trying to teach us how richly we can experience living in Him.

  • Happy says:

    My wife came home from a Bible study once saying that the topic was praying for the physical relationship in the marriage.

    A few weeks later and I encouraged her to keep praying those prayers! 🙂

  • Terroni says:

    Interesting definition of ‘authentic’…

  • Steve says:

    First, to Dr. Estes–waaay hilarious comment. Now let me, as a lifelong bachelor of nearly 50 years, confirm that the most spiritual of women I’ve dated have declined to pray with me on dates when I have offered. As with sex, prayer is for them too personal and intimate an experience to share so early in a relationship.

  • Your blog has been interesting to read so far! One thing that makes me sort of sad is that there is more interaction when it comes to something being sin than the blog about including god in your sex life. The world gives us such a tainted view of sex and we are buying into it!

    Also, prayer should happen not just for desire but for everything else. God is there rooting us on when we have sex, he loves it! I don’t think I would pray durring sex, that would be awkward, but praying about sex shouldn’t be. It’s beautiful and pleasing to god, go for it!