Three Surprising Things I’ve Learned About Sex
By Jon Acuff
I don’t write a lot about sex on stuffchristianslike.net. (Please insert your own, “that’s because Christians don’t like sex” joke right here.) So when MPT asked me to guest blog during sex week I had no other choice but to draw material from my own sexy life.
Therefore, it is my distinct honor to share with you, the readers of Jesus Needs New PR,
1. God is pro sex.
I grew up believing that God was surprised and disappointed that sex was fun. That perhaps He created it for strictly functional purposes, and upon seeing us discover it was a rollercoaster of awesomeness kicked a unicorn in heaven and proclaimed, “Aww come on, that is not the purpose of copulation!” But I was wrong. For one thing, it’s impossible to surprise God. But more than the reality of that, I’ve personally learned that my spiritual life and my sex life are not developed in vacuums. If anything, the deeper I’ve walked in my relationship with Christ, the more intimate my life has become, including sex. I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel 14% weird when I pray and talk with God about sex but I’m starting to do that and I believe God digs that. Even though I wanted to throw up when my parents used to tell me as a child, “Sex is a wonderful gift from God,” they were right.
2. Sex can get better the longer you’re married.
I can say without a doubt, and with permission of my wife and the future desire to throw up of my young children that will one day stumble upon this post online, that at 8 years of marriage, our sex life is exponentially better than during year one. There is one big caveat though. Sex won’t get better if your marriage isn’t getting better. Sex isn’t like racquetball. It doesn’t follow the mantra of “practice makes perfect.” It’s far too intimate and vulnerable to obey that simple rule of life. It’s not magic. If your marriage is falling apart and every year you’re together feels like one more year of your life you’ll never get back, don’t expect for sex to get crazy good all of the sudden.
3. Sex starts long before the bedroom.
Or the back porch or where ever it is that you and your spouse are doing whatever it is you’re doing. “Compartmentalized sex” where you pretend that you can have no emotional, spiritual or intellectual connection with your spouse all day and then instantly flip some sex switch at night doesn’t work. Sex is a big event built out of small decisions made all day long. When I wash the dishes for my wife, I’m contributing to our love life. When I go to a family event with a kind heart, I’m contributing to our love life. When I do a million little things that I think my wife isn’t noticing but secretly is, I’m contributing to our love life. The more you put into sex the more you’ll get out and the secret is that putting in starts long before you drop Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” into the CD player.
I’ve only been married for 8 years but those are the three things I’ve learned about sex. If you’re a teen and you just read that, I won’t be insulted if you throw up. If I went back in time and gave that list to the junior high version of Jon Acuff, he probably would have done the same thing. But if you’re married, print that list out and put it on your fridge. Maybe on the inside of your fridge instead of the outside, that’s really not the kind of list you should be hanging next to a picture of family members and Sunday School magnet knickknacks.
For more about Jon Acuff, whose book Stuff Christians Like releases in March from Zondervan, visit www.stuffchristianslike.net.
QUESTION: What have you learned about sex? OR What do you look forward to learning about sex? 🙂
COMING LATER TODAY: MASTURBATION (No pun intended. OK, I lie. It was intended.)
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love the article… but the picture is a bit steamy you know?? I mean, there’s total nipple you can see.
Yeah… um… that picture was not what I needed to see. I skipped the article because I didn’t want to be tempted to refer back to the picture.
for what it’s worth, i thought the picture was appropriate & the article well-worth-it.
Yep, the image was a bit racey – especially since I’m Tweeting and reading stuff while the children are eating their breakfast.
Great article though – thankfully, I scroll quickly and the image did not hinder the reading of the article.
Not sure what I want to learn — maybe how to get us back on track in life and bedroom (and I know the later will not happen without the prior).
I was attempting to read some of your other “You might like” articles, as I’ve only recently discovered your site. I keep getting an error that the site expired on 7/30 and has not been renewed or is in the process — but it’s definitely impeding the reading I want to do!
If you guys like the pic, you’ll LOVE the masturbation post coming later today…
thanks for reading!
Whatever you do, Joel, don’t look down.
You have TWO OF THEM…right there…STUCK ON YOU.
The image didn’t bother me at all. I agree with Jon saying that sex just isn’t in the bedroom. I am only 20 years old but I guess the main thing I have learnt is that sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I remember as I was growing people talked about the dangers all the time so when I became ‘sexually active’ at first I was completely paranoid. But I have learnt with just common sense it can be so much fun but it isn’t as brilliant as my friends make out for it to be.
I guess I would love to learn the physical difference between sex and making love? I know people can describe it well but I don’t think it can be as well justified in the bedroom or porch – wherever it takes people’s fancy! x
Regarding the picture, I see the edge of a shirtsleeve on the woman-perhaps she forgot to put on a bra is all.
I think that nipple is a fortunately placed wort!
What I’ve learned:
1. The most important sex organ is your brain.
2. Sex is like chocolate. When it’s good it’s REALLY good. When it’s cheap, it isn’t worth unwrapping.
3. If people find nipple glimpses disturbing, they should probably learn to be content what they already know about sex. (Oh, and they probably shouldn’t become doctors…)
What I look forward to learning about sex:
1. What is coming later today. (Great pun!)
2. How the way I have approached the topic of sexuality and discussed sex with my child will impact his sexual experiences.
3. How my own sexuality will change as I grow older. Any way you can get an “elder” to guest blog, MPT? Maybe one of your parents? ;^)
Ah, you’d probably lose your young readers, but isn’t it interesting how as people age, society seems to get more and more grossed out about the thought of them having sex? I just read an article yesterday about how something is wrong with our society when nursing homes demand an open door policy and berate seniors who “get caught with their pants down” while inmates at the local jail get conjugal visits pretty regularly.
That picture was taken when I had more hair.
On my wedding day nine years ago, my uncle told me to put a Skittle in a jar each time we make love the first year. He said if we took one out each time after that first year that we would never empty the jar. I’ve loved proving him wrong.
ttm – the problem is not one of being disturbing with pictures of nipples but of being titillated by someone who isn’t your wife (yeah, insert your joke here). some people have had struggles in this area. it’s like showing an alcoholic a picture of a bunch of people drinking. you may not agree with me, but there is no need to be so condescending. romans 14.
I saw the original pic; didn’t do nothing for me.
But you’ve got one person confessing a personal weakness — he didn’t say it was bad, didn’t say anyone was sinful for looking at it — he just expressed his own discomfort.
And he got ridiculed.
Kudos, everybody.
@TTM: Who’s being condescending? Wasn’t intended at all!
I personally think the new photo is perfect.
I knew i should have checked the blog in the morning. I missed the supposedly racy picture, darn it!
I didn’t really learn anything from this article, but then again, I didn’t really expect to. I wasn’t brought up a Christian and in my opinion, this has helped a lot, as I was never taught to be ashamed of my own sexuality the way a lot of christians are.
Looking forward to the other post.
Wow. I didn’t realize I was being condescending. I guess when someone really struggles with something (like pornography or lust or alcohol or any other addiction), it’s easy for someone who doesn’t to come off sounding flippant about that struggle. I’m pretty familiar with Romans 14, but thank you for the reminder to keep revisiting it, Anonymous. I am sorry if my comment about nipple glimpses offended anyone.
And, MPT, I totally was not saying YOU or anyone here was being condescending. I was making a comment (a bit off topic, yes, but still related to sex) that society seems to get grossed out by senior sex and to pretend that old people don’t do it anymore. And that thought-MY thought-wasn’t related to anything that I read here. It is an area about sex in which I am becoming more interested–and I’ll learn about it somewhere else.
Uh, yeah, I guess “sex” is a pretty touchy subject. I love the new picture of the dating couple (no ring) who are engaged in serious (and happy!) Bible study–but is that a “XXX” I see on the back of the Bible? Uh-oh! ;^)
@TTM I made a mistake… I thought you were also Anonymous (TTM), too… I didn’t know that was directed to you.
nice jon! could not agree more…after 13 years…its pretty amazing as the marriage matures and you realise its more about them and not about what you get out of it. ummmm…ok.
i was reading somewhere about how helping out with house work improves sex as well…so i have been washing lots of dishes recently…
Thank you for your explanation ttm. I apologize for being judgmental and speaking rashly.
Matthew Paul – Thank you for your blog. My apologies for causing such a stir.
Love your blog, but the masterbation thing at the bottom, well, don’t want to be THAT GUY, but, if sex week is going to be an assortment of sexually laced jokes then i may have to pass, which would be my 1st week of passing on your blog in 3 years.
Your blog is #3 on my google “most visited” and the reason is, it satire without the language or this type of thing.
I think if you stay down this road there may end up being more than a “hint” of sexually immorality that comes out of it.
but either way, you will still be one of my 3 favorite authors and still be my favorite blog on the net, so I say do what you want.
Thats just my 2 cents.
And yes, I might have just become THAT GUY/
Hey, I missed it. I never got to see the nipple. Now I want to see that nipple.
Anonymous at 9:58 A.M, No apology needed, but thank you. As iron sharpens iron…and you made a good point. :^)
@THATguy: I love you, RelevantPastor! And while some of the posts will be very descriptive… I am try to avoid puns for the most part…
Thanks for your thoughts! And you can be THATguy anytime you want. 🙂
MPT
Missed the first picture. Not sure that the new one works for me. Can’t imagine the two of them actually having good sex.
Or the back porch…
What if it’s the neighbor’s back porch? At night when they’re asleep, of course. Or if they’re having a dinner party and didn’t invite you. How rude.
This is the first time I’ve been to your blog and I really like it. Kind of stumbled upon it… was clicking and saw your interesting title.
Sorry I missed the nipple ’cause I was really curious as to what everyone was referring to. Not feeling the picture up there now too much.
It is so true what was written about marriage growing hence the sex life and intimacy growing. My soon-to-be ex would always refer to that as strengthening our marriage, or something like that, but the other parts of the marriage were off. “‘Compartmentalized sex’ where you pretend that you can have no emotional, spiritual or intellectual connection with your spouse all day and then instantly flip some sex switch at night doesn’t work.” <--- so true. I’ve learned a lot about myself sexually in my marriage and out of (yes, I said that). Thanks for a great post.
I’ve learned that sex is the candle- but it’s not the cake.
I realized it’s a celebration of something SO MUCH bigger… oneness.
If you married…light a fire this week!
LOVED the article…but couldn’t agree more that the picture was inappropriate. I would love to only see one woman’s nipple (silhouette or otherwise) in my life. I am very disappointed in the pic, and thanks for stepping out and discussing the much needed God Glorifying issue.
prodigaljon — “kicked a unicorn in heaven” — I am rolling on the floor laughing. Great article and you are oh so right about sex at night being linked to what goes on every day in very small ways between husband and wife. Thanks again for your insight!
First time I’ve been to this blog — I just came to read what Jon had written over here. Interesting topic. Discussions of a sexual nature have never disturbed or phased me; and it is good to see people talking about their own experience with some of the things that were mentioned in the article.
Coming from a pentecostal background, I guess it is easy for me to understand that sex is an amazing gift from God. And there is so much more to it than grabbing your partner and going at it just because you both have the urge to copulate.
Hoping my blunt words don’t offend anyone. An active sex life brings you so intimately close to your spouse. I guess I have a long way to go before the eight-year mark (or even eight month mark, for that matter!). 😉
i didn’t see the first pic so as i start reading the comments i see all the complaints about the pic and i kept scrolling back up to it and was so very confused…till i realised that the original picture had been replaced…
Jon, as always, brilliant!
Matthew, looking forward to the series.
Thanks so much for having the humility to change the pic. It was a stumbling block. I appreciate you being willing to change it. Great article and I’m loving the sex week posts so far. Thanks for all the hard work and all that you!
Surprised no one has responded to Rebecca Louise at 7:41 a.m. I should say I’m also an Acuff reader who popped over here and found the blog refreshing, as usual.
Rebecca, sex is absolutely (multiplied by 19) all it’s cracked up to be…in a correct, Biblical context, that of marraige, and specifically that of after the marraige vows, not before. Not that it can’t be dangerous, abused, misused, or other nasty things, but in the context of a marraige committed first to Christ and secondly to each other above all, sex is better than any cheesy romance novel/movie, junior high story, or even (gasp!) pastor’s sermon illustration 🙂 God designs only the best, and man, did he know what he was doing when he took his prized creation and said hey, One of your purposes in fulfilling your relationship: best. thing. ever.
@slydegirll What, even better than Lindt chocolate??? lol j/k
Great post Jon & Matthew; thanks for sharing. I must get my husband to read the part about “Sex is a big event built out of small decisions made all day long.” Have been trying to train him in that for years! lol Maybe he’ll believe me when he sees it from someone else’s virtual mouth…and a male one, at that! 🙂 I’m sure he knew it once, but after 2 kids + a small house and 20 odd years later, the memory needs jogging.
Looking forward to reading the rest of the week’s posts.
P.S. I appreciate some people’s problems with the first pic, I was a little surprised when I first saw it, but I have to say the couple in this new pic look somewhat dorky! (Hope they’re not reading this! If you are…..it’s not YOU, it’s the photographer who set you up!)
Refreshing article. The amount of hypocrisy though that surrounds sex within a Christian marriage is astounding. This article is a great example of that.
http://toywithme.com/articles/what-dildo-would-jesus-buy/
I don’t know…I feel I’ve missed something of the context in not seeing the original photo.
Frankly the present photo looks more like a Bible study than intimacy. Let’s touch finger tips and say we’ve had sex.
Frankly, I think the attempt to submerge sexuality and not recognize sensual beauty has led to far more trouble than the supposed derivation of any benefit has bestowed.
My wife is beautiful, she’s sexy, I love her breasts. Okay I’m quite addicted to them. That said I told her that I wanted to be honest. I know I’ll see women who are more physically attractive than her. But I assured her, I have chosen you. And that’s what’s really important.
Being inside one’s wif is a holy thing. This morning was spent in intimacy with my wife. Worship music played in the background on the iPod. Mind you I had a sense of understanding few have had while I entered my wife, while a song described entering the holy place. There is a parallel to be realized. While such intercourse with my wife is a pinnacle of closenesss and intimacy; likewise God desires a similar encounter with us. The bridge that Christ provided which enabled us to enter into the holy of holies, the holy presence of the Lord, should bring us to a like closeness and intimacy with our creator as sex should with our wife.
Too those to mch of prudes to handle the above. I do not apologize, rather I tell you to repent. Repent from your false humility.
If you’ve found my words offfensive, I don’t really care. Truth is often offensive. If you want to judge me, come back after you’ve remained a virgin for 30 yrs. When you can say the only woman you’ve everes enter the holy place of is your wife. If you can’t say those things than bite your tongue you Pharisee, for you have no authority to judge me in such matters.
PS – Interesting. The authentiction word was “sessi” which happens to be a personal slang I’ve used for “sexy”. God does have a great sense of humor.
“When I do a million little things that I think my wife isn’t noticing but secretly is, I’m contributing to our love life.”
You imply that a husband has to jump through a million wife-imposed hoops to contribute to their love life. Did God intend for a man to submit to such petty dominance in marriage? No offense, it just seems offensive to me…
No he expexts you to love your wife like Christ loved the church. Putting her before you.
If us men did that there’d be far less divorce amongst Christian.
I think this is a great blog. I really appreciate the remark about how when we do things for our spouse in love that it contributes to the bedroom. I think when we are not stressing out about things outside the bed it makes things more fun in