The fun begins on Monday, August 10. I promise you it will be an interesting week with some great content, humor, and “opinions.” And it won’t all be from me, either. I’ve invited friends to join the conversation.
But until then, let’s keep the conversation going with a question for married folk and one for singles. (Again, anonymous comments are fine.)
Question for married folk: From your perspective, what has been the biggest misconception about sex as it relates to marriage.
Question(s) for single folk: In a dating relationship, where’s the “physical/sexual” line for you? (Feel free to be honest. If there isn’t a line, don’t be embarrassed/afraid to say that.) Have you crossed that line since holding that conviction? AND does the line change/move as you and your boy/girl friend become closer/more serious?
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The biggest misconception about sex during marriage or the reason to get married is accessibilty, you don’t have to work so hard to have sex, and it’s expected.
I think the biggest misconception is that it is boring.
How could it be boring? We have the freedom to experiment, because yes, we have the freedom to fail. Something new doesn’t work out, go back to the usual, and try something new again another time. There is no need to worry about your partner being freaked out or leaving you over a suggestion, or the failure of that suggestion. And when enough time has passed, there is the freedom to laugh together because the honey experiment was a total failure. (Don’t ask…Don’t try it…Stay away from anything really sticky….Trust me…
who said mint flavored condoms were a good idea?
It seems like the biggest misconception to sex during marriage is the whole “anything is allowed, so don’t deny your husband/wife” thing. At a married couple’s retreat this was a huge area of awkwardness and general acceptance. Communication and adoration is key here, people! That’s your Beloved! TALK with him/her! Find out what works, what could work and what never ever will!
I think the biggest misconception about sex for married people–especially for the Christian variety–is that it has to be boring or utilitarian to be smiled upon by God. BOOORRINNG! What’s wrong with a little kinkiness between loving, trusting, consenting married people? Nothing, is what I am thinking.
That the sex will die down over the course of the marriage. At least for me and my hubby. 🙂
For some women, I think it’s the idea that sex is always about romance, flowers, candles and music. We need to know that the hot, nasty kind of sex is awesome, too.
I thought my hubby would want to have sex all the time. Turns out I want to have it way more than him, which brings along with it lots of emotions for me. I feel unwanted, unattractive. Maybe I don’t do a good job. Maybe he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. And all kinds of illogical thoughts.
One of the biggest misconceptions for us was the notion that communication was more important than sex. I’ve been astonished at how many tough conversations went a whole lot better after we both shut up, tabled our troubles, and rolled around for a bit. The Bible suggests that there’s spiritual power in sex–we figure, why not take God up on all the help we can get?
No single people have commented yet? Well, I’ll be the first then!
I haven’t had a chance to test out any sort of line with a significant other, but I do think it’s a good idea to set a line. My advice is that in a dating relationship, pretty much shoulders on down is off limits. Then again, I am a very physical person who expresses love this way, so I don’t know how entirely I could hold to that rule once I do enter a dating relationship, so maybe I’m a bit out of my depth here. (For reference, by the way, I’m 23, and haven’t had a serious relationship, but plenty of time to think about them).
My brother and his wife had a rule while they were dating that they couldn’t be horizontal at the same time because my bro had struggled with that sort of thing in a previous relationship. I think any sort of line has to be “couple by couple” so to speak. Once you start standardizing things like that, you get into tricky exceptions. *shrug* Really, just communicating with the person you’re with is the best option.
I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. When we first started dating I said that we needed to have ‘boundaries’ as far as physical limitations. i.e. no sex. I didn’t want to rush into anything with him and I had been burned badly before. The ‘boundaries’ lasted for maybe two weeks.
We have sex… it’s not all the time and it’s not always the greatest. It’s not always when I want it, although when I do ‘give in’ I feel that it always makes us closer. But let me be perfectly clear, I’ve never been pressured to have sex with him… Sometimes, I just don’t feel in the mood and he does and then I change my mind! 🙂
I give him bj’s… is that too much info? That IS a part of sex (oral sex). And it’s quite enjoyable for me as well as him!
And I’d be remiss in saying that when we are not intimate (both physically AND emotionally) that I feel we aren’t as connected as we could be.
I also feel that we have an emotional connection not just a physical one and because of this, I think our physical times are much more pleasant!
One big misconception about sex during marriage is that it gets ho-hum….. not true!
Dang, those anon comments are always the best.
Are Christians more uncomfortable talking about sex because deep down we think it’s dirty? It has taken me a while to see all the wild hair pulling as deliciously clean, totally allowed, and frankly needed.
Misconception #1 – Sex is dirty
Misconception #2 – Marriage makes one mono-erotic. (I wish that one weren’t a misconception.)
Misconception #1- it would be endless the first year or two.
Misconception #2- it would be endless after that.
Misconception #3- you would be allowed to experiment at will.
And one more thing:
Poor David with his junk all out on your blog like that.
That if you wait until you’re married, you’ll be healthier sexually. Out of a group of girl friends, I was the ONLY one who waited (my husband did too) and I am the absolutely most sexually dysfunctional of all of us. I wouldn’t change any of my decisions, but sheesh, I didn’t expect sexuality to be so hard for me. I look at my husband who’s all jonesin’ and think, “Where is your TASTE, man? How can you be remotely attracted to this?”
Ugh! So frustrating. I’m envious of and happy for all the sexually healthy marrieds here. Just wanted to put a voice in for those of us who struggle with this every single day for whatever reason.
Married misconception: that only older people have physical issues like dryness, difficulty getting or keeping an erection, and climaxing.
Ellie… I’m so with you. My husband and I dated for four years before we got married… and sometimes I do wish we had just gone ahead and had sex in the tingling throes of new love and crazy attraction.
But we didn’t, and I’m glad we didn’t because there would have been so much more attaching us and if it hadn’t worked out, I would have been miserable. Utterly miserable.
So, I guess misconception from my standing would be… that it would come naturally.
I was more or less a new Christian (although I’m in my early 30s) and slept with my new Christian boyfriend although we both said we’d wait..and we did for a while but then we went ahead..afterwards I felt terribly convicted.
Needless to say that was a contributing factor in the end of our relationship…because you can’t go back and undo what you did.
I wish I would’ve waited but then again the sex wasn’t that great and I was thankful that I knew that already because had I waited to get married before we had sex I would have been disappointed and miserable!
1) That women and men view sex differently overall, but that stereotypes aren’t always true
2) That sex is more important than sacrificial love in a marriage
3) That if you’re not having hot, steamy “movie” sex all the time, something’s wrong with you
4) That sex doesn’t really matter in a relationship
5) That sex will fix anything that’s wrong with a relationship
6) That sex is all about your own wants and needs
When my husband and I got married, we both thought that sex would always be great. Yeah right. We have our great nights, our so-so nights, and then we have the nights where nothing seems to work. We have learned that you can laugh during sex and have fun. We also learned that you can suggest anything, just don’t expect it to always happen (the other person maynot be into it) or always WORK. 🙂
I haven’t dated since high school 6 years now. I haven’t really thought about a line because I have no interest in dating at the present moment. Maybe once I consider dating I will then ponder the line.
I share Jeff S’s sentiment. With two toddlers and jobs and life cycle stuff, you get caught up in everything else but your hunny. Sex is difficult because you are tired so often. That’s why we stick with each other in sickness and in health (note how sickness comes first there).
But, once you claim that part of it, the sex discussions change and it is like re-discovering each other all over again. That’s the cool part. It’s better now than during our first week of marriage. Why? We talk about what we want and how we can give it to each other.
Misconception: it’s gonna be like the Song of Songs all the time.
There’s a reason it’s a commandment. Go too long and you start seeing the other person’s flaws way too clearly.
My conclusion. More sex = more loving thoughts and actions afterward.
GO figure.
And ironically my captcha word looks like “virgins.”
PS: Was Michelangelo into body waxing?
Misconception: Marriage is something everyone should strive for.
I think that people should wait till they’re considering marriage before even thinking about having sex. But then I think people should just try not to get married unless they feel like they absolutely have to. I could write a book to counter Josh Harris and call it “Sex Isn’t The Problem (Marriage Is).”
Before you dismiss me immediately, think about it. How many marriages don’t end in divorce? Of those marriages that actually last, how many of those couples are actually happy? No matter how dismal the statistics on this are, there’s never any shortage on the demand to get married. And that’s why the world needs more people like me. 😉
But don’t worry folks, nobody’s going to publish me and nobody’s going to hire me as a youth minister either. The world as you know it is still safe.
“Have you crossed that line since holding that conviction?”
I’m single now, but:
Well, I didn’t really establish a line because a boyfriend was the last thing on my mind. Then I got a boyfriend and definitely crossed a line, in hindsight … :s Because I didn’t have a line. Bad idea.
As a “single-again” divorced 40-something woman I struggle with wanting to draw a line and NOT wanting to draw a line. I really really really miss sex, and it’s been a looonnngggg time. Maybe a good thing that I’m not currently dating. I don’t know that I can trust myself.
Okay. That’s not fair. Married people get a “theoretical” misconception about sex in general question. And single people get an opportunity to confess whether they have broken their own convictions…
And then all of you married people get to get aroused at the confessions and go happily, freely, crazily screw your “sanctioned” partners.
I’ve been married, can I take the “married folk” question? ;^)
It looks like the singles are out-numbered here. As a 20-something Christian, I’ll give my opinion and experience. I’m really glad that you’re talking about this among Christians because it seems like such a taboo topic, and being single, I have all these questions, but nobody who I feel comfortable asking about!
It’s so easy to get into a relationship and say that you have “a line that we’re not going to cross” but it’s so easy to get caught up in the moment, and the things that happen just feel so good (or not even set the boundary in the first place). Then after the relationship is over, I’m thinking “did we really do all of that while we were dating?” and I feel shame for doing that, and wonder if he’s told his new gf or wife how far he went with me and what she might think of me. You know, as they discuss past relationship history…
It really does take two people who have accountability on where you draw the line. Agree on it and stick with it! With the first two guys I “went too far with” the whole time I was asking myself what I was doing, then would pray for forgiveness after it was over. Nothing changed. My last relationship was much better, because we had both been through similar experiences so we both agreed that we did not want to push things, and kept it to just making out on the couch, with hands not traveling any farther than just resting on a leg, or not below the shoulders. As a result, we were much more focused on communication and growing in that way rather than when our next physical high was going to be.
I’m thankful (though regretful sometimes) that I have been through those relationships with their different boundaries (or lack of). Thankfully I’ve backed off enough to be kept from experiencing some things that don’t deserve to be experienced with someone other than who I marry. This last relationship was also proof to me that I CAN keep my focus on putting God first in a relationship and holding off on the physical. It IS possible to do and if/when the relationship ends you don’t have the guilt feelings of knowing that you’ve gone too far with someone else’s future spouse.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months and definitely have boundaries as far as our physical relationship is concerned. We kiss. We kiss a lot..and that’s all we do. It can be difficult because there are numerous times when I think “Wow…I want more of you.” However, it feels good to know that, as far as our own convictions are concerned, we can both have a clear conscious.
I would also add that the idea of flexible “lines” seems natural. It makes sense that as you love someone more and become more and more attracted to them you will want to express that physically. Although some Christians debate on whether kissing is acceptable for dating couples and almost all Christians agree that sex isn’t, there seems to be a general consensus that the activities that fall in between should be avoided outside of marriage. So if you start your relationship with a strong line (ie, don’t kick off your new relationship with an all night make-out session) you are able to move it as your relationship progresses without compromising your convictions.
Biggest misconception: that us guys want it all of the time, regardless of your appearance. Why do married girls tend to let themselves go? Why is he checking out that starlet or younger girl? Because she’s taking great care of herself! Keeping trim, doing the hair and makeup. It takes time? Oh, you’ll prob have more of that on your hands when he eventually loses interest. I see so many married women put on weight and it sucks for their husbands. It makes being with one girl for the rest of his life looks like more of a sentence than an adventure. Try to keep him interested. Put down the brownie and p/u a barbell.
Anonymous, the same goes for men. Trust me. I see plenty of naked married men at work. (Most of them are patients.) They don’t look like they did on their honeymoons either.
People in committed sexual relationships have a responsibility to their partners to keep up appearances such that when they see the other walking across a room, they think, “Mmm…I’d hit that.”
Shave your legs.
Trim your nose hair.
Go to the gym.
I think one of the biggest misconceptions, at least for me, is that people who are virgins when they get married have an awkward, often painful first time. That was not the case for my husband and me. 😉 We had a great experience!
I find it really sad for the people who do have a difficult first time. Most of these people were the type of couples that didn’t really have a lot of physical contact before marriage. Not that I’m advocating sex before marriage or anything, I’m just saying I can definitely see a connection.
I will be honest and say that my husband and I weren’t saints before we got married when it comes to this stuff, but we definitely had a line, and never crossed it. I do think that our willingness to show our affection to each other before we were married certainly contributes to our comfort level once we did tie the knot. Just a thought 🙂
one thing I always wonder about all these people that run around have have sex with their boyfriends or girlfriends is that they say, “i’m ready to have sex” how do you know if your really “ready”? Can you ever be REALLY ready? Even after marriage?
I’m so afraid that I’m going to do something wrong or be totally clueless on my wedding night.
Actually my biggest fear is Miss Flo will show up during my wedding. Did any other women worry about this?
So I know (either personally or through national news) a number of Christians who are having gay/lesbian/bi sex. Those are interesting Judeo-Christian lines to cross whether single or married. Funny how no one’s talking about that when lots of evangelicals are doing it!
One big misconception hubby and I see all the time is that Christians think their sexuality is some kind of lightswitch they can just flip the day they get married.
The idea that if you wait until you’re married to have sex it will be great and the wedding night will be wonderful. My wedding night was a disaster and we didn’t even manage to consumate our marriage until 3 days later (and not for lack of trying). It took well over a year for things to get good!!
can you raise that black bar a bit on that pic?
thanks.
When I got into my first relationship, we said the line was no kissing.
And we stuck to it and we were in love and we were engaged and then we weren’t together anymore.
After that, there was this guy who turned into a rebound guy. And I told him that i didn’t want to kiss someone until we were married or at least engaged, and he smiled and nodded.
And then kept pushing and pushing. We kissed, which turned to make out sessions, which turned to him trying to force himself on me on several occasions. Which turned to us not talking anymore.
I think that in my first relationship, not kissing was what kept it pure and kept us a couple that could be really good friends still.
And the second relationship, his sexual hunger was what closed off the friendship from being able to exist.
My line now? Some days I feel dirty and that lines don’t matter anymore. some days i’m scared and don’t want another guy to push himself on me, so i’m convinced that i’ll never kiss until i’m married.
most days i think that not kissing is a good rule until we get into a serious commitment (engagement). then it can be re-evaluated, but we’ll tread carefully.
Oh, Ellie on July 23 – I SO understand!!! Oh, how I understand.
We waited. I thought it would be easy, that it would come naturally. It didn’t. I cried and cried on the wedding night when I just couldn’t do it. It is everything but easy. We’ve been married more than a year and have never been “fully successful,” at sex because of me.
My husband is the only one who knows about this about me, and while he’s VERY understanding, respectful, and patient, I feel incredibly alone since he can’t fully understand why I can’t let him in. It’s frustrating, to say the least.
I worry about whether the progress we’re making is just too slow. I worry about whether we’ll ever be able to have kids. I worry about the fact that I can’t do everything the Bible commands as a wife.
I worry about whether he’ll get tired of it and leave. How long will he be this patient with me?
So yeah, my misconception: The fact that you waited until you’re married doesn’t mean you’re exempt from having problems.
The only upside – God is painfully and slowly teaching me what Paul learned when he had his own “thorn in the flesh” – “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Still not there, but I’m learning. I have Jesus and oral sex on my side.
Anonymous…I wish I could just give you a big hug. Please go get some counseling on this matter so you can get past this hurdle in your life. You are not only a spiritual and physical being, but also a SEXUAL being, and God made you that way…and IT’S OKAY!!!! I pray you will learn to get comfortable with that side of you and understand that those feelings are perfectly okay to feel! The reason you can’t literally let him in is could very well be physical (i.e., literally tensing your muscles so hard that you are literally blocking him, plus not allowing your body to lube up) due to the emotional/mental blocks you are imposing…due to guilt…because of so many years of being taught sex was wrong. Believe me, I understand because I was there.
God wants us to have an ABUNDANT LIFE…and that includes sex.
Girlfriend, you are married now…you are doing nothing wrong. Learn about your body and learn to enjoy those feelings with your hubby.
Peace and blessings unto you.