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angie and todd

By April 7, 2009Blog

For more than a year now, many of you have followed the story of my friends Angie and Todd and their sweet little girl Audrey Caroline.

It’s hard to believe that a year has gone by since that beautiful little red-headed baby came into this world and so quickly left us.

The memory of that day is still painful. So many of the questions we had/have still go unanswered.

That’s one of the reasons why I believe in the resurrection story: the one about God bringing hope into the world. Hope for each of us. Hope for every person who walks on this planet. Hope for the living and the dead. And hope for the unanswered questions.

Not answers. Hope.

I must admit though, that sometimes the story of hope is difficult to believe. It’s living through experiences like Audrey’s that make me doubt it.

But that’s faith. For a long time, I didn’t think that doubt and uncertainty had any place within a person’s pursuit of faith.

I was wrong. Immature. Misguided.

I’m not sure that faith can truly exist without doubt. Doubt is what makes it faith and not science.

Faith was never meant to be perfect or explained away with a sermon series.

So today, one year after losing little Audrey, I resist my temptation to make faith into something that fits on a page or blog or in a book. I refuse to allow one question destroy it. But too, I won’t let the fear of asking that question define it either.

Rest in peace, Audrey Caroline Smith. We miss you.

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Matthew Paul Turner

Author Matthew Paul Turner

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Join the discussion 17 Comments

  • Juliet says:

    So true! I find it so fitting that Audrey’s birthday comes during Easter week this year — a time of darkness and light. I like what you said about faith and doubt going hand in hand.

  • Serenity says:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • Serenity says:

    What a beautiful post – It couldn’t have been said any better.

  • Alet says:

    Beautifully said!

  • Amy says:

    You’re so right: Faith, like God, cannot be placed in a box. None of us know anything for certain (except that old cliche about death and taxes). I feel God’s presence so fully in my life, yet I realize that all in which I believe boils down to faith. It IS hard to explain.

  • machoo says:

    I love what Steven Curtis Chapman said after the tragic loss of his little girl: That he had a lot of questions, but faith is about living with those questions.

  • Susan Isaacs says:

    Thanks for posting this, Matthew. My oldest sister died in childbirth. A friend of mine just lost her daughter at 6 months pregnant. And then I think of all my friends and family who’ve died. If there is no resurrection, then all of life is a tragedy. No matter how much life is filled with goodness, progress, accomplishment, love… if it all ends, it’s a tragedy. Reading NT Wright, and what he says about the resurrection … taking me back to the day Jesus rose and thinking through what it means for us … he went through it first, and we will too. Believing in the afterlife can still be fraught with sorrow here and now. And doubt. And waiting for that day.

  • Lis. says:

    Beautifully said. I shared it on Facebook.

    I love reading your blog by the way. It’s on my to-do list to buy all your books.

    Elissa
    Bronx, NY

  • Ryan says:

    + RIP child of God +

    I agree with you about hope, not answers. However, I disagree about the place of doubt in the Christian life. Doubt begets fear, because doubt allows uncertainty about God’s Word and His work. Rather, we have the sure and certain Word made flesh who gave Himself unto death for our transgressions. Jesus’ death conquered death for us, and His name placed upon us secures our hope. Therefore, we can not doubt, but firmly believe that Audrey, and all our loved ones who have died in the faith, stand before the throne of the Lamb who was slain.

    In this Holy Week, that is precisely why we cry out, “His blood be upon us and our children!”

  • Ryan, as one who’s been on both sides of the “doubt” equation, I can attest to feeling/experiencing much less “fear” today than I did when I doubted nothing.

  • nAncY says:

    i know that i live with doubt coming through my mind a times in my life. though, i was brought to places in my live as well where i was sure of the knowledge of Jesus and my need for Him. that is a place where i can go to renew my faith and trust, to the place where i remember when the doubt was revealed to be untrue.

  • This is a beautiful (simple, but very real) way to explain the resurrection story. It’s also a beautiful tribute to Audrey.

  • Reed Benson says:

    Spot on. I’m going to share this.

  • I agree with the Hope. I have learnt through experiences that there is no point searching for life’s unanswered questions.

    We all have faith in different things and there are always going to be time when we doubt it but klike you said that is faith and belief. 🙂 xxx.

  • Sandy N. says:

    Thanks for this awesome post & your willingness to see that doubt can beget genuine faith!

    My heart goes out to Angie & Todd who released precious Audrey Caroline back to God. Nothing will make a person doubt his/her faith like the death or suffering of one’s own child. The doubt has nothing to do with whether or not the child is in Heaven.

    After the death of my 18-year-old son, I was uncertain about the goodness of God. I screamed at Him, asking “WHY?” In turn, He comforted me in such personal ways that I could not deny it was Him.

    The question hasn’t been answered, so I still ask it now & then. But my faith does not depend on an answer.

    Through doubting, I gained faith that was richer and deeper than ever. Churchy words and phrases were empty platitudes that did nothing for my heart & soul, but gut-wrenching pain & questioning brought me to a sacred place of intimacy with God. It restored my hope.

  • Reacently I read a letter in the TV
    Plus where a reader spoke up against Harry Potter. As a Christian I wish to state that the Bible clearly tells us to have nothing to do with witchcraft.
    When I was 14 years old I had the most terrible experience. For a long time I heard voices that repeated over and over:’Harry must go.’ As a Christian I would like to
    warn people who are crazy about Harry Potter. Rather stay away before you also have to experience the trauma that I did.
    I am praying for the salvation of everyone involved with Harry Potter
    some way or another. I’ve also sent
    e-mails to some of them to tell them that God loves them and that I
    will keep on praying for their salvation.