Remember Avalon? Well, Christian music’s famed boy/girl/boy/girl band is back with a vengeance! OK, so vengeance is a little strong… it’s more like a tinkling cymbal.
This new record is the group’s second Greatest Hits album! Its first Greatest Hits album was released in 2003. Now, you’re probably thinking, “Uh, has Avalon had any new hits since 2003?!?”
Nah, not really.
But in Christian Music that doesn’t matter! You don’t have to have any new hits to make a second Greatest Hits album. You just have to have a record label that is trying to get you off its label! Yep, it’s that easy. Just in case you ever become a Christian music artist that is stuck in a record contract that says you need to make three more albums before your deal is up. Don’t worry!!! Here’s what you have to do. It’s EASY!
First, record a holiday record!
Second, release a hymns record or re-record old praise and worship songs!
Thirdly, release a greatest hits album! And BAM!–YOU’RE DONE!
Sadly, that happens all the time.
Anyway, in honor of Avalon’s SECOND Greatest Hits album, I thought I would offer some advice on how you too can have your very own successful Christian music group! Yep, JUST LIKE AVALON!
1) Buy a couch. But not just any couch. You gotta purchase a sexy uncomfortable one from IKEA. This will ensure that you have something to sit on when you take photos for your album covers. You think I’m kidding… Think about how many Christian music covers include couches. So, get a couch.
2) Practice sitting on your couch. You must look cool and natural–like the four or five of you enjoy sitting on that couch all the time! And remember, it’s very important that each individual in your group has his or her own “cutesy pose.” (See second female in picture above as a FANTASTIC example!) And even more important: No lounging, touching (unless two of you are married), or laying!
3) Invest in the latest version of Photoshop. This is especially important if you’re over the age of 24! In order to have a successful Christian music group, it’s imperative that you look 16. Even if you’re 45. Seriously, ask Toby; he’ll tell you–PHOTOSHOP is your closest friend! Not closer than Jesus, but that could become a struggle.
4) Have short, punchy first names. Like Jana, Jill, or Nicci if you’re a girl. And Josiah, Greg, or Chad if you’re a boy!
That’s it–you’re ready to have you’re very own Christian music singing group!
PS: Is it just me or does the 2nd dude’s arm (the one that’s resting behind the blonde girl) look as though it doesn’t belong to him?
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umm…it really doesn’t look like his arm….lol…funny post
Matthew – Don’t forget that sometimes Christmas albums or Hymns records don’t actually count toward a group’s record deal fulfillment. Sometimes its simply a way for the label to squeeze as much as they can out of the grapes before they are sent to compost. 🙂
You crack me up bro! I laughed harder because of the amount of reality in such a satirical commentary. Thanks for sharing!
I saw Plumb in concert like 10 years ago, and their record label released a greatest hits album after only their 2nd album. They mocked their label for it during the concert. They kinda acted like they really weren’t involved in the decision.
Don’t be too mean, now. 🙂 I think Avalon has done a great job of keeping their image and lyrics pure and living out the message of the gospel, even if their PR isn’t that exciting.
Is that Phoebe from Friends?
Hi, Phoebe!
And, more importantly, does this mean I missed the Christmas album?
Gary, They probably didn’t have much of a choice. Petra and Whiteheart had tons of “Best of” albums out in the early 90s and it was out of their hands. Both bands were vocal about their displeasure. I’m sure Avalon and their phantom appendages are about as happy regarding this album.
Did Toby approve his name being used in this post? I know I didn’t.
– Chad
haha @Terroni I was thinking the same thing… Hi Phoebe!
Great Blog! Check out this new Christian band that just released their first album. From what I heard on the samples site, they sound really good.
Introducing the new Christian National Anthem: Guns & Jesus.
Tell All!!!
http://ccrg.info/cas.htm
Sadly what you said about Avalon became true about my fav band 4HIM disbanded after a greatest hits package – but they kinda warned everyone they where calling it quits – Avalon has had some really good songs out – and they I believe put 2 new songs on this Greatest Hits cd – another factor is some record companies put out their own Greatest Hits that is independent of their actual record company –
God bless you!
Daniel
Petra and Whiteheart had tons of “Best of” albums out in the early 90s
What’s amazing is that Petra never did a Christmas album…not even a Christmas single, like Whiteheart! 🙂
In order to have a successful Christian music group, it’s imperative that you look 16. Even if you’re 45.
Like Michael W. Smith? Seriously, that guy looks like he gets younger than he looked in the ’80s! 🙂
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Good tips, Matthew.
Though, Toby doesn’t need quite that much photoshop. He really doesn’t look 45. Sure, he doesn’t look 16 either, but he’s not old looking in person.