confession (i rewrote ‘god is in control’ for micheal english)

When I was in college, my friend “Missy” became Michael English’s personal assistant. Don’t laugh; that was a big deal back then. We were all jealous of her, mostly because Michael was good friends with Wynonna, and Melissa got to hang out at her house a few times. Now, for those of you who have never heard of Michael English, he was a famous Christian singer back in the mid-90s. In fact, he was the original singer of the now well-known Christmas song, “Mary, Did You Know?” But he quickly became unfamous after he impregnated one of his background singers (she wasn’t his wife). Back in 1994, this was HUGE news, and because I was good friends with “Missy,” I heard all about his affair before it became public. (Which sort of made up for never getting to meet Wynonna. Back then I believed that gossip equaled power.)

But anyway, that same year, or thereabout, Christian singer/songwriter Twila Paris released her hit song, “God is in Control.” It was a huge hit, and I was a huge fan of Twila as well as the song. Here’s the music video for the song.

On a sidenote, you gotta love the ballerinas in the video. Gosh. Even for Christian music in 1994, that was cheesy. Wow.

Anyway, soon after Michael English had his affair, my friend and I were sitting around in our dorm room thinking about how Michael’s problem could have been avoided. We thought of a lot of ways–but the one that ended up ruling our thoughts and our conversation was this one. In the middle of our talk, my friend looked at me and said, “For God’s sake, why didn’t he use birth control?” So we sat around and tried to think of the reasons why, and we concluded that using birth control would have made his sin–THE WORST KIND OF SIN–premediated sin. To Christians, there is nothing worse than premeditated sin. So, not using birth control gave them an excuse–you know, the “we got caught up in the moment” excuse. If they had stopped to consider birth control, it would have given the Holy Spirit enough time to interject. (That was just our theory.)

But then my friend and I became inspired to write a song, and you probably know where this is going… we immediately began rewriting the words to “God is in Control.” But rather, the title to our song was “Mike, Use Birth Control.”

This was the chorus. (Gosh, this is embarrassing. I’m gonna get hate mail for this, I just know it.) But anyway… the chorus…

Mike, use birth control!
There are so many sizes, ribbed if you like it
Mike, use birth control!
Something so easy to her can be pleasing
There is no guarantee but a vasectomy
Mike, oh oh oh Mike, Mike, use birth control.

We wrote verses, too, but thankfully, I don’t remember them.

But don’t judge me, OK? I was 20. I wish I could say we were drunk when we wrote that. But that would be a lie. Besides, Belmont University was a dry campus back then. It may still be, I don’t know.

OK, that’s the end of this particular confession. (Forgive me if I offended you.)

QUESTION: Have you ever rewritten the words to a popular song? (Maybe some day I’ll confess what I did to a George Michael song. But not today.)

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