a little of my baggage

Pete is preaching a sermon series called baggage. As soon as I heard about it, I must be honest–I thought about coming up with a few excuses to miss church for month of September. But for some reason, I haven’t missed a Sunday. Stupid, huh? But I trust Pete. And that’s saying a lot, since he’s a pastor. But I trust him. I don’t put my trust in him, but he’s shown himself to be vulnerable and honest and a true friend to me, so I trust him to use wisdom and grace when talking about my issues from stage. Okay, so I realize he’s not actually talking about me from stage, but this series is one of those kind that make me feel like he is.

To be completely blunt, for the last two weeks his sermons have kicked me in the ass. The week before last Pete spoke about forgiveness. All week long, I felt the need to blog about my thoughts and feelings regarding his words. But I couldn’t. I was still very much trying to process what he said, and more importantly, how his words were supposed to change me. One of the things that he said went something like this: “Forgiveness is when you get to a place where you stop trying to get even.” Wow. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve believed that I had forgiven somebody, but then find myself doing something to “even” the score, proving only that I was nowhere close to having a heart of forgiveness. I sat in my pew and began to cry when he spoke to those of us who are in situations where we are the ones seeking forgiveness from somebody else. I wish I had the energy to explain how much that part of sermon affected me, but I just can’t right now. I will say this: sometimes forgiveness is so difficult to offer somebody who has hurt you, but sometimes it’s just as hard to accept.

Yesterday, Pete spoke about “trust.” Again, he spoke right to me. I have a problem with trusting people. A long time ago (at least it feels that way), I was one of those people who trusted everybody. To a fault. I was the gullible one who believed everything that came out of people’s mouths. Because I had no reason not to. Oh, what age and experience and reality can do to somebody’s ability to trust.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Once again, I’ve been reminded that I allow my past experiences with people who have hurt me to dictate how or to what extent I’m able to trust people now. And that kind of existence comes with a price. I know that. I’ve learned the consequences over and over again. Those consequences aren’t always seen by other people, but they are felt deeply in my heart and soul. Because of my lack of trust, sometimes I am paranoid, anxious, depressed, manipulative, and I could go on and on.

This morning I spent a few quiet moments reflecting on life. I sat in lotus position and breathed like Jane Fonda and quietly whispered to God the words and thoughts that came into my head. Some of these words were requests. Some of them were confessions. Some of them didn’t make much sense at all, at least to me.

And for the moment, I feel lighter and less consumed with “me.” In my own life, I feel like that’s what my lack of trust boils down to–selfishness. Don’t get me wrong; I believe I have every reason to fear trusting other people. Like so many of us, I’ve been hurt deeply by people and I have consumed myself with those hurts and have then hurt other people deeply because of them. Selfish, huh? When I allow those hurts to affect my ability to trust and love and live in the present, I am doing a disservice to the people around me. By living in fear and not in hope, I’m keeping my guard up and living life in protection of “me.” And I realize once again, that’s not living.

So I just want to say thank you to Pete for the gentle and gracious reminder. My heart beats a little freer this morning because of your words.

Viagra is for the treatment of inability to get or keep an hard-on and similar states when erection is of low quality. When you buy remedies like cialis from canada you should know about cialis online canada. It may have a lot of brands, but only one ATC Code. Erectile dysfunction, defined as the persistent impossibility to maintain a satisfactory erection, affects an estimated 15 to 30 millions men in the America alone. Sexual soundness is an substantial part of a man’s life, no matter his age etc.