IF APOSTLE PAUL HAD WRITTEN MY FOREWORD…

… it might have gone a little like this. From “What You Didn’t Learn From Your Parents About Christianity.”

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ! Gosh, it’s been years since I wrote those words. Feels nice to have the old quill in hand again. Yes, I still write with a quill. The saints did convince Jesus to upgrade to laptop computers a few years back, but for me there’s nothing like my trusty feathered pen and inkwell.

We did finally get the Internet in heaven. It’s an edited version, of course. Timothy loves MySpace.com. He has like a bazillion friends. And Peter gets a kick out of Googling his name; he estimates he’s mentioned online over five hundred thousand times! Not bad! Of course, I don’t have the heart to tell him that my occurrences are closing in on the four million mark. I only go online to use the Bible study tools at Crosswalk.com, and I do have a rather extensive obsession for the Drudge Report. Where does that man get his “tips”? Sometimes he knows things before we do. It’s scary.

But I digress.

I’ve been asked to write a foreword to this “guidebook” for Christianity. It’s exciting for me to take part. It’s nice to know that people are still interested in what we “dead saints” have to say. That’s why I agreed to write this foreword. However, my agreement to write this little piece was on the condition that I’m given the chance to use it to dispel some of the awful rumors about me. Also, between you and me, I’m hoping to work in a little Max Lucado joke just for kicks.

So if you would be so kind as to allow me a paragraph or two to simply state my position on a few key evangelical issues, it would be rather therapeutic for me to get them off my chest. Although, on a side note, I must ask: Where did you guys get the term evangelical? It’s such a harsh, ugly word. Why do you feel the need to name yourselves? Is it a cultural thing? It’s none of my business, really; it just seems that you twenty-first-century Christians really do like naming stuff.

Back in my day, we had our hands full just living out the gospel of Jesus; we didn’t have much use for titles and terms. But then, the whole running for our lives issue kind of made the need for names pretty insignificant. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t hurt anything; it just seems to me that if you’re going to call yourselves something, it might be a little more productive to use a term that’s at least attractive to the human senses. Evangelical sounds about as fun as an appendectomy. And don’t even get me started on the term emergent.

Now, back to those rumors that have been flying around: I don’t dislike women. I do believe marriage is a beautiful part of God’s design. Predestination is not an issue worth dividing over. And my “thorn in the flesh” was not hemorrhoids. I think that pretty much covers the biggies. Many of you take everything I wrote so literally that you fail to take into account the context of my words. Context is extremely important to Scripture. Of course, whoever came up with the whole hemorrhoid theory should be handed over to you-know-who.

Seriously though, these conspiracy theories need to stop. Don’t you know that spending too much time arguing over useless ideas only takes you away from pursuing, as you call it, “evangelizing”? Oh, you foolish modern-day Christians! You need to stick to the mission—to preach Jesus and him crucified. Don’t waste time adding or taking away from God’s Word.

Wow, it feels good to be writing again. I wonder if I could talk Jesus into letting me write one more book. You guys could use some fresh material; I’ve seen what’s available in Christian bookstores. James tried starting a Purpose-Driven Life Bible study, but it just didn’t work out. However, I did skim through it, and all I’ve got to say is that it’s a good thing for Rick Warren that my letters are in public domain.

Anyway, I’m supposed to be writing a foreword. How’s this? Read this book. I think it will help you. Of course, it’s no Galatians, but you might learn a thing or two. I did. I had never heard of Blue Like Jazz until I read Matthew’s book. I tried to check it out at the library, but Bartholomew beat me to it. He says I’m going to love the story about penguin sex. We’ll see. Until next time, enjoy this book.

Grace and peace to you,

Paul

PS: Can somebody please tell Joel Osteen to call me? I want to know who does his teeth. They look great!

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