fake… ramblings about right now…

Do you ever feel like a complete fake? I’m having a fake day. It’s similar to having a fat day or an old-wrinkled day. You look in the mirror and think to yourself, “Are you for real? You seem kind of fake today.” For some of us, that’s everyday.

I feel fake today. However, aren’t most/all Christians fake on some level? That’s hardly an excuse, but it does seem to be a reality. But it’s difficult being completely and freely real in the culture that so many of us live in, one where we sing pretty pop songs to Jesus and sit around and contemplate whether we’re predestined to be singing pretty pop songs to Jesus.

Most of us are fake because we’re scared. (Stereotyping, I know.) We fear what people will say. That’s human nature, I suppose–to be concerned about what others think. Oh, I sometimes like to pretend that I’m not concerned about the thoughts of other people, but I am. I pretty much have to call my therapist every time somebody leaves me a less-than-kind comment on my blog. I’m exaggerating (to some degree). But you know what I mean.

I’m cursed with wanting people to like me, even LOVE me. I’m not naive to the fact that it’s impossible to get everyone to love me, but that doesn’t stop me from craving it a little and trying to make it happen, as if I am able to manipulate the love and affection from others.

I guess the truth is, I’m not convinced that people would like me all that much if they knew every nuance of my being: my thoughts, my potential, my human nature, my flaws, my insecurities, my sin, my questions, the fact that sometimes I feel completely fucked up. That scares me sometimes.

For instance, I’m feeling fear right now. I’m sitting at my computer contemplating whether or not I should leave the f-word (I can’t write it again–that would be too much). I’m thinking to myself, what if somebody at my church reads this? Or my mom? Or what if somebody decides not to purchase one of my books because I used the word on my blog? Or what if a church decides to cancel/not book a speaking engagement because I used it? Or what if somebody thinks I’m only saying it because they believe I’m convinced it makes me sound bad ass? Should I go back and change it to effed-up instead? That might be better. Or worse. I’m not sure.

The truth is, maybe all of those thoughts are good reasons for me to go back and change it to “messed up.” See how fear works, pushing us to put on display “restricted” versions of ourselves? However, maybe that’s the way life’s supposed to be–God’s design if you will–restriction. At the moment, I don’t know. But “messed up” doesn’t communicate it and “effed-up” would just be dumb, so for now, I’m leaving it. At least until my mom calls and gives me crap.

I don’t feel any less fake after writing this blog, mostly just some fear.

I’m gonna go eat some Fruity Pebbles now. Mmm.

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