I have so much to be thankful for. My beautiful wife. A baby on the way. Amazing friends. A family that loves me. The fact that I enjoy my job.
But I’m going through a season when life feels more difficult than I think it should feel. The struggles in my head seem bigger right now for some reason. I keep blaming it on the fact that I’m currently writing about my childhood, which means I’m opening old wounds that I believed had healed long ago. But now, I’m realizing they haven’t as much as once thought.
And indeed, that could be it.
…
I feel small at the moment, perhaps a little meaningless. Maybe I’m getting a small taste of what King Solomon felt when he wrote Ecclesiastes. I relate some to his story: Depression. Confusion. The questions. Doubt. Addiction. The stuff in between.
Perhaps feeling small is a blessing in disguise. Maybe I’m getting ready to learn something or maybe I’ll just eventually open my eyes to a new grace that I hadn’t experienced before.
Or maybe I’m just in a one of those moods where I can’t seem to get out of my own head long enough to see the all of the joy that comes from that list of blessings in the first paragraph.
For now, I’m trying to take the advice of a friend. “Relax, Matthew, relax,” he said.
“And trust.”
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I had someone tell me that feeling like that is a definite blessing, because it helps you empathize with others later on. He told me that we, as Christians, need to get back to the blues and feel others’ pain –through that we can be better ministers. 🙂 Hang in there man! Oh! Also…I was thinking…maybe we could get someone [shoot, i may do it] to write “The Emo Kid’s Guide to the Bible” –complete with all the sad stuff we find in Scripture, but still find hope….Just a thought 🙂
Boy, I can relate to a lot of what you write here. The flat times hit hard–especially when old wounds are opened.
I can’t speak to your specific situation, but I can say from my own experience that if you have any hurts from childhood that haven’t quite healed, expect parenthood to rip off the scabs with incredible force.
Maybe these difficulties are helping you to heal now and preparing you to be a dynamic, involved father who offers authenticity and grace-filled love to your child.
There are no easy answers when the road gets rugged. All we can do is stay close to God and hope that together we muddle through.
I’ll keep you in my prayers. And that’s not meant in a flippant way. I will pray for you. And for Jessica. And for the little Turner.
I can relate, some things that have happened in my life, family life, when I was a kid and teen still to this day eat at me.
You think ok, I have finally dealt with it, it is over. Then something… My situation requires other to have open eyes and we all know that is an impossible thing to request and receive.
So I limp on letting it go until that somethings kick me again.
Recently though I have tried to distance my self from both those situations and people involved, not ignoring it all together, rather letting silence speak. Both to me and them.
I no longer will accept poor behavior from my situation, from them, but have determined I can not change this situation, Lord knows I have tried, but I can change me and how I interact with others.
Matthew,
I just found your blog quite serendipitously and I hope I spelled that right. I am almost exactly in the same boat with you. My wife is pregnant with our first Child and we are about a week behind you guys (I saw the ultrasound image down the page) we went in last week and everything appeared to be fine. Next day the hammer falls. Our baby likely has downs syndrome or Cerebral Palsy.This very likely will be our first and last Child and I know I’m going to love him or her. It’s just that the hopes of far off things like grandparenthood seem dashed… weird to be thinking that far ahead.But those are the thoughts that come. I don’t really know how to feel right now. It’s made me do irrational things, my anger is at the surface and old wounds are festering once again. I’ve already had to apologize to old “bye-gones” for my brutal behavior of the last week.
But what do I know.
I can’t
but God will.
Actually,
He already has.
-Jud
Jud,
Can you send me your email?
Thanks. Matthew