… if your concert’s encore includes an alter call
… if you’ve ever led an audience in praise and worship music while wearing a scarf
(Extra credit if your scarf was tied in a “Chelsea” knot!)
… if you’ve ever played at an event that had the word “Republican” in its name (Extra credit if you sent out a press release!)
… if you’ve ever been the opening act for James Dobson’s son
… if you play electric guitar for the band Third Day
… if during the middle of massive applause you’ve ever taken a step back from the microphone and then pointed toward ceiling (Extra credit if you join in the applause!)
… if you’ve ever shared the stage with this guy:
(Extra credit if you call him Stevie-B!)
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If your tour bus has been annointed with oil
Holy Moses this made me laugh.
…if you went to school in Tulsa, interned in Colorado Springs and now live in Nashville.
-You take a chorus and repeat it for 10 minutes straight
-You get a tattoo as a “witnessing tool”
-You tell your audience about the plight of poor kids in some godforsaken backwater you visited, and then implore them to “sponsor a child” (bonus points if you show a video of poor kids; extra bonus points if the video has you in it, dressed in Abercrombie or Hollister, wearing sunglasses, carrying bottled water, walking among the destitute repeating to yourself how horrific conditions are)
CCM
Wanna see my picture on the cover
CCM
Wanna buy five copies for my mother
CCM
Wanna see my smilin’ face
On the cover of the CCM
@Chad: Um, you aren’t by any chance one of the dudes in Degarmo and Key, are you?
Hmm…
you bleach your hair, live in NashVegas, wear skinny jeans and consider a ‘festival’ to be the ultimate venue.
@MPT busted… please don’t tell my kids. They think I was in Petra.
You call Nashville NashVegas
you take a hymn, replace the organ with a couple of guitars, keep some of the words the same, but not the tune, repeat some of the words some of the words, leave some out but make it longer.
Hey! Don’t mess with DeGarmo & Key! I like those guys. (Boy did I just show my age.)
…You went to Belmont.
…You went to Liberty U.
…You headline a showcase at GMA week.
…You’re “controversial” because you’ve been seen smoking!
…You headlined at Jammin’ Java :p
…Your merch table sells your knick knacks with your name worked into a cross motif.
…Your concerts are sponsored by Chick-Fil-A
Very funny! I wish I was clever enough to add more.
you wear girl pants on stage (and your a dude)…
you cover a song from the 70’s, and cause the people in the crowd to say “i didnt know that song was about Jesus”…
you wear a Ray Comfort Is My Homeboy shirt on stage at Creation Fest…
you realize you will never get mainstream until MTV2 plays your videos, and you need the CSI crew to examine your new tracks to find any Jesus in them
(2 points if you fall out of the mainstream and play the Christian circuit again)
If you’ve snubbed me in the airport. I’m bitter.
you dress in your “show hair” and skinny jeans when you go to your church.
You consider the after-party a great success when no one gets laid.
@Anonymous: That was awesome!
@Jenny: Come on… you could offer something!!! you used to create Christian rock stars, right? 🙂
You Boo at Michael W. Smith concerts
Extra points if you are outside the concert picketing.
When visiting radio stations in an effort to get your music played, you bring a cookie cake or Krispy Kreme instead of taking the airstaff out for drinks.
…you give a 10-15 minute “testimony” for each song while “inspirational” music plays in the background.
…the lyrics scroll on the giant screens behind you so that people can “worship” along with you.
…there is more talking than actual music!
If the only time your “band” plays is at summer camps and high school worship retreats.
…your hit song sounds exactly like a knock-off of a really good mainstream song…except the guitars aren’t as loud, the lyrics suck, and there are plenty of fake string tracks nicely tucked in the mix.
…you talk about beer in code, so no one finds out.
…someone else writes your songs.
If you have short hair on your head and sport some type of uniquely styled/cut facial hair, dress metrosexually, and take time during your concert/worship event to tell your audience that when you’re at home with your family you mow your yard just like they do.
@Dale Best – hey! Don’t EVER discourage anyone from bringing radio station people cookies! We’re starving over here!
I play electric guitar for the band Third Day 🙂
Wow. Third Day reads my blog. I guess that makes me a Christian rock star.
Darn it.
🙂
Thanks Mark for commenting!!
@Mark Lee.
This isn’t a confessional, Mark.
/But now that you are out of the closet, please provide some relevant Christian Rock Star stories.
//btw. I play air guitar for Third Day all the time.
… if you cry during your concert (extra credit if it is in the middle of a song and you can keep singing)
that @marklee3d read this and commented is absolutely hilarious.
…you try to look unique and artsy (described in many of the above comments) and end up looking like the majority of the people who live in Nashville, trying to look unique and artsy and end up looking like all the others doing the same thing.
If your Pastor accidently “annoints” the grand piano while you’re leading worship on it ….
…if you make it acceptable to wear eyeliner.
…if you’re “not ashamed”.
…if you sing at least one “worship” song in your set, even though this is a rock show.
…if you perform at “secular” venues with “secular” bands to reach out to the masses.
…if you’ve ever been caught wearing your own merchandise. I can’t tell you how many Christian artists I’ve seen doing this.
…if you pray before, during, and after each song. Kidding! But sometimes, its not so far from the truth!
Your nickname is “Chuckie B”; you wear about 5 pounds of foundation on your face; and the highlight of the show is 10,000 college students standing up and cheering when you modulate a half-step higher and belt out with all you have.
….if your license plate frame says “In Case of Rapture this Band will be Unmanned”
….if you pass out bible tracts instead of autographs. *Bonus points if you sign the tract
….attended 3 or more Carmen concerts and was the reason you became a musician
….if you see groups of people in the audience all wearing the same tshirt from their church youth group
if the word “crossover” means anything to you.
if you love beer but freak out when anyone talks about it, especially to potental concert bookers.
…you’re able to cross genres from rock to country to rap to worship flawlessly.
…your album was produced by Tedd T.
…you’ve ever played at Club 3 Degrees.
…you posted/emailed the video “Jesus is my Friend” by Sonseed for all your friends to see.
…Your philosophy hinges on two words: “Authentic” and “Relevant”.
@marklee3d not only read this but he twittered it as well!
-You find out that bars and clubs don’t pay as much as churches?!?!
-You used to wear yellow and black spandex jump-suits and sported a dead poodle on your cranium.
-Your music is what the kids “listen to”, only when their parents are around. 🙂
-Every set ends with each member quietly exiting stage left while the crowd continues to sing the worshipy song…
– If you can’t decide if those Guess jeans are too casual or too dressy for your appearance with Paul and Jan Crouch.
– People tell you the love that song you wrote called “It Is Well With My Soul” and you don’t correct them.
– You tap your foot on pretend stomp boxes on stage to make people think your creating a loop, when really it’s a track playing (Phil Wickham, busted!)
– You’re going for that Radiohead sound on your new Christmas record.
-You used to be a Las Vegas lounge act and found out you weren’t good enough.
-You change your name to something androgenous to cover up your Italian mafia name.
-If you think Christian music is five years behind the times and you will bring it up to relevant.
-If you have to have Jesus in the song somewhere to win and industry related award.
-if you divorce makes headline news in CCM and the entire magazine is spent arguing the sinfulness of divorce.
-If you were a worship team leader that decided to take you songs to the masses.
I’ll shut up now.
– if you know what a “chelsea” knot is!!
Great post…always make me laugh.
Nathan, I can’t figure out if you toured with Carmen or were in First Call…
you might be a christian rock star…
if you use “Christian” as an adjective.
if you strategically use said adjective to describe your music to music biz professionals, especially as prepped in your elevator pitch that you use at church in Nashville, because, of course, you go to the right church in Nashville where the most influential of the “christian” music biz attend. At least you’ve been told they do.
if you avoid using said adjective on your myspace page and say things like “inspirational” or “positive” or “relevant” instead.
if you think playing in Nashville is the be-all and end-all, forsaking all other cities to travel and/or move to the mecca. (Bonus points if you move there, realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, then move elsewhere or home to do some real music and have some real influence…)
if you can name all the once and former singers of Newsong. (Bonus points if you know what Charles is doing now…)
if you have no idea how rough the “christian” music biz really is.
if you are NOT Jerry Fee, because he’s just a plain ol’ RockStar! (Love ya, buddy!! Miss you big time.)
Let’s do “You might listen to Christian music if..”!!!
-You thought ETW was good rap and D&K were rebels!
I read stevie b’s book-does that make me a groupie? Julie
if you have a tour bus that belonged to Bill Gaither
…you think you’ve arrived because your best-selling song just got picked up by Guitar Praise II Solid Rock edition.
“if during the middle of massive applause you’ve ever taken a step back from the microphone and then pointed toward ceiling.”
mpt, I laughed my ass off at this one…thanks.
…if I own your cds! =-)
I got all of ’em – unless you release some more – Third day Rocks!
…if you lift weights like Jeremy Camp – and are teasted about it on the air.
….if you can jump around like Toby Mac! I am ready for the Winter Wonder Slam Toby!!!!
…if your support children in need -and tell others about it
and finally.
If you sing with just a gitar in a church without shoes (Eli we miss you!)do I need to buy you some shoes?
… if you went to or were rejected from Greenville College.
… if you quote C.S. Lewis more than the Bible.
… if Ed Cash produces your albums.
If 75% of your concerts take place in the southeast
If you’re part of Creation and the Warped Tour in the same year
If your worship music includes a massive drum or guitar solo
…If you make a Christmas album to fulfill your record contract….Do people say “record” anymore?
… if you work mainstream hooks into your live set to make your songs sound better.
I find your incredibly cynical attitude toward Christians, church and Jesus himself to be deeply disturbing. I know it is in an effort to be “entertaining”, but some things really are sacred…and I’m faily certain that God does not appreciate Himself or His people being mocked.
Just wondering if you are doing more harm than good within the body of Christ?
Then by all means @Anonymous, avoid my blog and run for safety. I don’t want to be blamed for you not wearing protection.
This is a “different” Anonymous asking the most recent @Anonymous…”what’s up, friend?” The post is funny, it’s lighthearted and not intentionally hitting any person or group below the belt. MPT just puts into words what a bunch of people think and feel (both christians and non christians)…and ooops, we managed to laugh along the way.
This is an even different Anonymous asing why any of us feel the need to be Anonymous. If we can’t be real about who we are then who cares what we have to say?
Wow. Wonder if the third day guitar player saw the blog about their performance on Leno? =) MPT is so good at stirring up controversy when it comes to his music posts!
..if you spell ‘anoint’ with two n’s.
…if you’ve been asked to leave the stage of a Southern Baptist church for “being too loud with that secular guitar.”
…if the pastor has asked you to stop packing up your equipment during his 2 1/2-hour alter call.
… if you spell ‘altar’ – as ‘alter’.
… if your pastor stops you on the way out of the church to your honeymoon and says…”By the way,
about last Sunday? Too much metal, too much metal.”
you might be a church soundtech…if you have to hook the audio equipment back up in the sanctuary after your own wedding reception…i am not bitter…yes i am….
You know you are a Christian rock star if:
– if you used to tour as Bibleman’s opening act.
– if you tie scarves to your mic stand because you know the home schooled kids in the audience have never seen Aerosmith live.
– if you sling your Telecaster low a la Keith Richards because, again, new to the home schoolers fawning over you.
– if your worship band has more guitars on stage than Skynrd.
– if your tour rider calls for only RED(PRODUCTS) in your dressing room.
– if you’ve ever puked backstage at the Dove Awards.
MPT! MPT! MPT!
If you know where Jenn Knapp is. No Really.
If you’ve been stiffed by a pastor.
If you’ve had an endorsement from a brand you would never use in real life.
If you’ve heard roadies talk about how ‘it’s been great I’ve not done any heroin this tour’ as opposed to their previous gig roadying for Megadeath.
If you notice it’s okay to be evangelical and a smoker if you live in Salem.
If you stay up late on the tour bus listening to demo tapes so awful they make your lungs hurt from laughing, that vulnerable sincere fans have gingerly placed in your hands. This no longer makes you feel guilty.
If you don’t tell non christian friends where you played this weekend, just say it was a great ‘venue.’
SC Van BC
If you know where Jenn Knapp is. No Really.
If you’ve been stiffed by a pastor.
If you’ve had an endorsement from a brand you would never use in real life.
If you’ve heard roadies talk about how ‘it’s been great I’ve not done any heroin this tour’ as opposed to their previous gig roadying for Megadeath.
If you notice it’s okay to be evangelical and a smoker if you live in Salem.
If you stay up late in the tour bus listening to demo tapes so awful they make your lungs hurt from laughing, that vulnerable sincere fans have gingerly placed in your hands. This no longer makes you feel guilty.
If you don’t tell non christian friends where you played this weekend, just say it was a great ‘venue.’
… if you’ve taken the stage at the 22,000-member Southeast Christian Church (Louisville, KY). They don’t call it Six Flags Over Jesus for nothin’!
Hi-flippin-larious, Matthew.
– If you’re 22 and went from playing loud rock gigs at clubs and “cool” church-sponsored events to having string-heavy ballads on KLOVE in 2 years time.
– Likewise, you wonder how you went from having 15-25 year olds as your main audience as people 35-55 in your audience.
– If you spend 7 years playing C-Stone, Sonshine, Creation, and CCM publications, get a mainstream top 40 hit, then spend the next 3 years explaining how you’re not a “Christian Band.”
– You wonder why the audience is sitting on their hands during your most energetic songs.
– People give you grief when you sing about your wife/husband/kid.
– No matter what you sound like, people call you “The Christian X” where “X” is the popular mainstream band of the day.
– The label is pressuring you to do a worship album, as if the last 10 years of singing of God’s faithfulness aren’t enough.
– You wince when you come across your video on TBN.
THIS was HA-LARIOUS!!!! I have read things like this that I thought were way too cynical and unfair but this I loved to pieces and cannot wait to forward it. And to Anonymous…no one is judging or mocking Christ, Christianity or…you know what, why am I even trying? Next I’ll be trying to explain how someone can still be a Christian and not say Jesus in a song and I just don’t have the patience for that today.
toya sent me over to this and it was SO worth it! the comments added even more!
…if you’re constantly trying to explain how you’re not “really” the Christian version of some secular band, it’s just that no record company would pick you up until the sound you already had got wildly popular on the mainstream circuit.
…you realize you’ll never win a dove award because you’re signed to a smaller record company than those you have been nominated with. and that actually bothers you.
…you’ve daydreamed having one of your songs play in the background for 15 seconds on some teen drama on the WB.
…when you do find out your song will be played, you’ve myspaced and facebooked and twittered everyone about it.
…you have subsequently had to explain to your fans why you told them to watch a show where the main characters lost their virginity while your song played in the background.
i could go on but i’ll stop there 🙂
thanks so much for this!
… your LD has instructions to put the spotlight on you when you get on your knees to “worship” each night during your set
… you carry your tracks with you when you visit churches out of town, you know, “just in case”.
This is just awesome…. made my night
…you are at the doctor’s, having a very thorough exam and the doctor suddenly looks up to tell you all about how blessed he is to have your new album.
Hee…that reminds me of when Derek Webb had a song on Grey’s Anatomy – and he flat out said “Since it’s Grey’s Anatomy, it’ll probably happen right after or during someone having sex.” He was right.
@hapless romantic, that WB thing was hilarious to the point of severity.
um, let’s see…you know you’re a Christian rock star if…you get an audience amped up with a story about sharing the Romans road with that D-list celebrity
You hold world records for the largest free concerts in that city and then you take up offerings at them. I can’t believe that hasn’t been mentioned yet.
You know you’re MARRIED to a Christian rock star if…
…you’re at the doctor and during a really personal conversation he exclaims, “You’re married to (insert name)! I delivered his band’s lead singer’s wife’s baby!”
…creepy fans your husband tries to ignore look you up on MySpace and Facebook and try to reach him by being really nice to you.
…you’ve been attacked by the moderator of his band’s message board for having a picture of said husband giving you a kiss as your profile picture.
…you’ve joked that your husband only asked you to marry him so he’d have a roadie for life.
…before you were married to said husband you were accused of being a ‘groupie.’
I could go on and on…
I like the one about Jennifer Knapp but I think you are a DEFINITELY a Christian Rock Star if you know why she bounced and hasn’t been heard from since…and have considered doing the same.
That WB scenario almost killed me. That was hilarious.
…if you’ve ever recorded at Sounds Christian… I mean, Sound Kitchen.
Oh, you guys. I have to tell you how stinking hilarious this is.
I recently received a cancer diagnosis that I was one hundred percent sure was going to be just general nonspecific “female trouble”.
I really did not think anything would be making me laugh today, as all of the emotions and fears accompanying the word “cancer” swirled about.
While reading this entry and the following comments, I laughed so hard, I peed a little. (Unfortunately, I am serious)
I have one for y’all:
You know you work at a Christian top 40 station when:
the general station manager runs into your office and recruits you to help him hide all of the “Advocate” magazines in his office AND help him scrub the foundation off his face because he’s just received a call that DC Talk will be dropping by shortly to present a plaque and do a photo op of said presentation.
True story.
~Liz
I’d like to know where Josh G has heard Christian Rock/Worship with massive guitar or drum solos…
Diane
I meant to do this a month ago. I laughed hardest at the comment that said something about telling your audience that when you are home, you like to mow your lawn. Can’t tell you how many Christian rock stars I’ve heard say that!
…People think you should always play for free (or at the most for a love offering) because your work is a ministry.
…The same people are horrified if your tickets or CDs cost more than $10.
…The moderators regularly squelch talk of how hot you are on your message boards.
…Your stalkers pray for you regularly.
…Your blog includes videos of your children. (Sorry MPT. BTW, Elias is one adorable kid!)
…You’ve played on a cruise ship that was actually a mission trip.
…You know that the GMA in GMA Week stands for “Give Me Attention”
…Likewise, you know that Super Tuesday has nothing to do with elections, and everything to do with getting up well before the sun to answer the same questions over and over again, trying to make it sound fresh each time.
…You have to defend yourself for having the sponsorship of a secular company for your tour.
…Your fans call themselves by some odd but Biblically relevant name.
if you play in the band leeland. no scarves on stage though…. and Alec Baldwin is my fav
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“- You’re going for that Radiohead sound on your new Christmas record.”
HAHAH. In addition, if you’re afraid to cite Radiohead as an influence, and instead say something like Carmen or Petra so that you look like you weren’t influenced by those heathens.
…You’ve instructed the crowd to “show some neighborly love” to each other, and back up so that everyone has space.
…You’ve played festivals that require the band to give a faith statement and an altar call to the crowd, and actually complied (Life Light!!! *shakes fist*).
…You were asked to leave said festival because you swore on stage while you were giving your faith statement. (This actually happened to Derek Webb at the LifeLight festival in Sioux Falls, SD. He quoted Tony Campolo, and got booted).
…You know you’ve made it when John and Sherry Rivers play your music on KLOVE.
…The security guards at your concerts are either college students from the Christian college you’re playing, or members of the Christian Bikers association.
Wow, this is great stuff! I really don’t have anything to contribute, as I haven’t listened to Christian music for years. When I did listen to it, it was mostly cheap knock-offs of really good music. I will never forget when one band in particular said their new album was “U2 inspired”, when in reality the music was almost exactly like U2’s, but with just enough difference to make it total crap. And, the lyrics were horrible.
I’m sorry, but every time I think of Christian music, I think of that episode of South Park, where Cartman has the brillian idea of making tons of money by taking popular songs and just changing the lyrics a little bit. Thus, Faith Plus One was born. That is one of the best episodes of South Park I’ve ever seen.
All of this said, maybe I should try listening to Christian music again. Maybe.
“…the lyrics scroll on the giant screens behind you so that people can “worship” along with you.”
HAHA So good. I have seen this a few times and totally makes me cringe..
When the band leader steps up to the microphone and starts out speaking with these first two words . . . . . . .”Ya know . . .
OR
The band dresses in clothes they normally don’t wear in public. Dress the part is not necessary!
Hey, Anonymous! No not you the other one. No, the hot one. Hi there. 😉 Ya know I’m praying for ya
Hey, wife: you knew he was hot when you married him.
You know you’re in a Christian rock band when:
your “mosh pit” stands quietly and politely, only moving to awkwardly raise their hands or clap when you request it
the church kindergarten choir sings your most hard-core songs
the church youth group has made a video of any of your songs (and it’s better than the one you made)
You must be a CHRISTian Rockstar if
-you use a blacklight to highlight your ultra, uber-cool ‘Chalk Art Ministry’ Universality-wise
-your energy is always super high, endless, timeless and usually more exuberant than even your childrens’ vibe *friendly smile*
-Actually, you can’t resist squeezing a “moral-of-the-story” excerpt about Tiger Woods’ confession into your on stage sermonette to help teach an ethics lesson in societal transformation
-you sing constantly, especially to songs on the radio because you DO know all the lyrics by heart & have no problem humbly impressing your loved ones with your musical expertise’ @ every divine opportunity that graciously presents itself *teehee*
ROCK ON, DUDE!!!
\_/[*.*]\_/
You might be a CHRISTian Rockstar if you play the song…
‘The Reason’ by HOOBASTANK as your main worship song to the LORD in concert. *teHeHe*
::putting the ROCK in your Roll::
^.^;’