“Yes, I know what the song says. But try holding 6,692,030,277 people in YOUR hands? Seriously, how big do you think I really am?” -Jesus
“I bless this food. I make it nourishing to my body. In my name, I pray… Amen. Now, where’s the Miracle Whip?” -Jesus
“Yo. Think fast.” -Jesus perfecting his chest pass
“What are you doing here, Mary Magdalene? And why are you running an ice cube across your collar bone and looking at me like that? Unbelievable. I’ve only been dead for two days–well, for prophesy reasons, let’s say three days–but that’s beside the point: You went back to work, didn’t you?” -Jesus
When Jesus isn’t sitting at the right hand throne of God, he kneels on planet Venus and poses for pictures.
“You promise me this won’t look photoshopped, right?” -Jesus
“I said, ‘HOLD. THE BOAT! THESE WAVES ARE AWFUL!!'” -Jesus
“Take that, Somalia!”-Jesus using planet earth as a treadmill
“Use the force, Rick Warren. Use the force.” -Jesus
“The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin. All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits, somewhere in the wilderness… “ -Jesus/Gandalf the White
“Listen gentlemen, if you value this table and desire it to remain upright, you will listen to what I have to say. If you don’t, the table goes sideways. Do I make myself clear?” -Jesus
Priorities.
“All queen-and-king-sized mattresses by Serta, Sealy, and Memory Foam are half off! This weekend only at Mattress King! ” -Jesus
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