it’s OUR time

Joel O$teen i$ back with a new book and it’$ not about him! Crazy, huh? But true. Thi$ time around it’$ all about YOU.

More $pecifically–your TIME.

And according to Pa$tor O$teen, it’$ your time NOW to purcha$e hi$ new book, It’s Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God’s Favor

Lucky for Joel, all of OUR TIME$ hit at exactly the $AME time. Right now.

Let’$ $ee what we’ve won.

$o what’$ thi$ new book all about? Well, here’$ what the publi$her provided… (my per$onal & mostly $narky comment$ are in red).

FROM THE PUBLI$HER:

Get your hope$ up.

Rai$e your expectation$.

Achieve that erection.

Your be$t day$ are in front of you.

Except for tho$e of you who have won the lottery… your be$t day$ are long gone.

In challenging time$ (he mean$ Obama-time$), it may be hard to $ee better day$ ahead (True! Unle$$ you’re God, a p$ychic, or Erwin McManu$–the latter i$ like a combo of the former$).

You may feel a$ though your $truggle$ will never end, that thing$ won’t ever turn around for you.

Aw, that $entence right there could be a nice beginning to a Celine Dion $ong.

Thi$ i$ exactly the moment to put your faith into action and expect God’$ ble$$ing$.

$weet, Joel! Doe$ the book come with a calculator? Or do you tell u$ how much money God is going to give u$.

It’$ your time to declare your faith (as a tax deduction?), to look for God’$ favor ($hould we do that at your $2.5 million man$ion in Hou$ton?), and to give control of your life to Him $o that you can find fulfillment in Hi$ plan$ for you (Wait. Wa$n’t this an Amy Grant-reality show on NBC?)!

It’$ Your Time to believe.

It’$ not ea$y to alway$ be optimi$tic. Life can be difficult (Tell a $tory about Victoria! Tell a $tory about Victoria!), and in hard economic time$ it’$ not ju$t your finance$ that $uffer. Your relation$hip$ can be $trained (Tell a $tory about Victoria!). Your health can be $tre$$ed.

You’re going to tell us that $tory about the time in 1992 when you and Victoria couldn’t afford to pay your car payment and Daddy had to mail you a check and it took THREE days to arrive, right? Ye$. Tell that $tory. It’$ a good one.

When one part of your life after another take$ a bad turn (like that time I was driving home from work and ended up in Printer’$ Alley with Wanda and Roberta after midnight–NOW THAT WA$ A BAD TURN), you can feel like there i$ no end in $ight (oh, there were many end$ in $ight), no way out.

The truth i$, maybe you don’t have an an$wer. But God doe$! Maybe you don’t have the $trength. But God doe$!

It’$ Your Time for favor.

CAN I GET THREE FAVOR$? The magic genie in the lamp grant$ three wi$he$.

In It’$ Your Time, be$t-$elling author Joel O$teen, pa$tor of the nation’$ large$t (and WEALTHIE$T!) church, offer$ the in$pirational truth that no matter where you $tand in life (good, cuz I’m $tanding on the promi$e$ of Joel!), you are never alone (do George & Barbara Bu$h really live in your $ub-divi$ion?). He remind$ you al$o that the bigger your burden, the greater your ble$$ing$ to come.

What? Sooooo… that pretty much means we should expect the people of Africa to strike gold, right?

You may have neglected God, but He ha$ not abandoned you.

I’ll “Amen” you on that one.

He ha$ already relea$ed good thing$ into your future.

With $parkle dust? PLEA$E TELL GOD TO BRING $PARKLE DUST

A$ long a$ you’re breathing, you can $till reclaim Hi$ favor by renewing your faith and accepting Hi$ plan$ for you.

Wait. Can it be the kind of “breathing” that require$ a tank of oxygen? Are tho$e people included?

It’$ Your Time for re$toration. (Hardware? Yes.)

In the$e page$, Joel offer$ a$urance$ that God doe$ not want you to merely $urvive challenging time$ (or to have to do it with dingy-looking knobs on our cabinets), He want$ you to thrive (Yes. I’m totally going to get brushed SILVER!). When you give your life over to Him, God will $end opportunitie$ your way $o that you can $oar to new height$ of (sexual) fulfillment.

Just like bald eagles… and vultures!

Hi$tory ha$ $hown that the mo$t difficult time$ can $erve a$ cataly$t$ for creativity (go Darfur!), innovation (thank you, India), and accompli$hment (我們在中國恨上帝，但我們知道電子!!!!!!!!!). If you hold on to your faith, a$k for God’$ favor, and don’t give in to depre$$ion or di$couragement (I will take my Cymbalta), you will emerge not bitter but better, not a victim but a victor.

It’$ Your Time to tru$t.

God already i$ working in your life to arrange the right people (I reque$t Oprah!), the right $kill$ (figure $kater!), and the right opportunitie$ to give you the tool$ (he said tool… ) you need to fulfill and exceed your dream$.

Drawing from Joel’$ experience$ (from the late 80s & the early 90s) and tho$e of (foreign & poor) people around the world, It’$ Your Time offer$ me$$age$ of faith, hope, and $trength to help you ri$e above any circum$tance $o that you can fulfill God’$ be$t plan for your life.

And don’t forget about the erection…

It’$ Your Time to $tretch. (Now we’re talkin… )

Joel ha$ filled thi$ book with bold new prayer$ (like $pells?), in$piring $torie$ (oh, please tell the one about the woman from Atlanta who read Rick Warren’s book to the man who was going to rape and kill her but instead of doing that, he let her go and she wrote a 300-page book all about it–I love that story…), and practical tool$ for moving forward in faith (and come on, Joel, throw in a free phone call with $uze Ornman for kick$). You will find in$piration from other$ who have overcome adver$ity (and E.D.) and achieved their dream$. You will find proven method$ for not ju$t picking up the piece$ but for building a new life better than you’d imagined.

The hopeful me$age$ and warm encouragement$ (he means fuzzies) in thi$ book will pu$h you to expand your horizon$ (BOING!) beyond what you thought you were capable of doing $o that you might go even farther than you’d ever dreamed of going.

But wait. The mortgage will get paid, right? And our marriage will work out? And our kid won’t die from his brain cancer? And we’ll find the job that we’ve been hunting for since last January? And what about the African babies… what sort of ble$$ings do you see in their future, Joel…

Becau$e it’$ OUR TIME. Our time to achieve our dream$ & increa$e in God’$ favor–that’$ the $ubtitle of YOUR timely book, right?

That i$ what you’re $aying, Joel, right?

It’$ Your Time!

Thank$ I thought $o.

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