If you’ve ever walked into a bookstore and picked up a book by an author such as John Grisham, David Sedaris, Elizabeth Gilbert, or Anne Lamott and thought, “Maybe some day I’ll get to be a real author, too”…
If you’ve ever checked your book’s ranking at Amazon.com, and then prayed for it …
If you’ve ever asked your publisher why most mainstream books smell better than yours… (Extra Credit if during that conversation, you said something like, “Go to a bookstore and smell ‘Eat Pray Love’–that’s how I want my book to smell.”
If you’ve ever used “Donald Miller” as an adjective… (Extra Credit if you added “ish” to the end of his name)
If you’ve ever spelled a word with asterisks…
If an editor has ever asked you to write about your sin in code (Extra Credit if the editor said something like, “You’re detailed description is causing me to stumble, Matthew, and I’m at my desk right now.”)
If you’ve ever considered going on a mission trip for story ideas…
If your publicist has ever called and said, “Guess what? I landed you on Focus on the Family!”(Extra Credit if publicist then gave you “Focus” pointers to ensure you didn’t say or do anything that would keep you from being invited back)…
If you can’t find your book at Borders… (Extra Credit if you pretend not to be the book’s author and ask a salesperson why they don’t have it in stock)…
If you think about punching every person who asks you, “So, have you read ‘The Shack’?”
If you talk about “Max,” “Rick,” and “C.S.” like they’re phone numbers are in your iPhone…
If you think your book about the Holy Spirit has mainstream potential…
Viagra is for the treatment of inability to get or keep an hard-on and similar states when erection is of low quality. When you buy remedies like cialis from canada you should know about cialis online canada. It may have a lot of brands, but only one ATC Code. Erectile dysfunction, defined as the persistent impossibility to maintain a satisfactory erection, affects an estimated 15 to 30 millions men in the America alone. Sexual health is an substantial part of a man’s life, no matter his age etc.
You might be the author of a Christian book if your first response upon reading this list and being encouraged to comment upon it is one, simple word:
Guilty.
if your wife goes to bookstores and puts your book face front on all the shelves (extra credit if she puts it on the front table or endcap)
If you hide in the cofessional of a Catholic church for new inspiration because the royalities from that last book won’t pay for the mission trip. (extra credit if you pretend to be the priest).
So, have you read ‘The Shack’?
You might be the author of a Christian book if you’ve ever mentally pictured Kirk Cameron playing the lead character in the movie version of your novel…
…if you had to publish it yourself.
…if you create a fan site for your book on Facebook before it is actually published.
…if your use your popularity in “Christian Finances” to cash in personally on the money to be made in the Christian Fiction marketplace. (Yes, I am referring to Larry Burkett’s, “Illuminati” the absolute worst Christian Fiction book ever published.)
…if your use your popularity in Christian circles to cash in personally on the money to be made in the Christian End Times marketplace. (Yes, I am referring to Tim LaHaye’s, Left Behind series, the absolute worst books on the End Times ever published.)
… If you have a pile of envelopes addressed to Zondervan with various, brilliant manuscripts but are timing the delivery of them carefully.
…If you use had to use a ghost writer to complete your sentences and make sense of your sermons when they actually get written down.
Yes, yes; I have gone into Barnes and Noble and asked the clerk why they were no longer carrying the book by [insert my name]. ~ Doug Schmidt
…If you have searched through the Bible for other short prayers like Jabez’s to capitalize on.
…If you plan your vacation around the annual Christian Publisher’s Convention.
…If you sold more copies of your book at your own church and to your family than at any other marketplace.
…If Barnes and Nobles lets you have a book signing for a small fee if you promise to vacuum when you are done and take back all your unsold books.
…If Amazon.com refuses to make your book available on the Kindle.
…if you go speak at a church and offer your book for free as a response to your message.
If you pitch an editor with the “key verse” of the book before explaining what it is about. Or why I care…
If you went back through your manuscript to make sure the hecks and darns and geezes are all gone…
…if Terroni has recommended your book to her mother.
if you spend 3 years praying for revelation about a book and not writing it.
shoot
…when your endorsement list on your website, blog, facebook, and twitter account is filled with no-name trendy pastors wearing plastic frame glasses, youth pastors, aunts, uncles, bloggers, and has-been celebrities…athletes…& country-music stars now turned Christian.
Matthew – this is why I chose the agent I did. I am a Christian but he has been able to market me so I am not seen as a “Christian author” – though I did have to go through the Xn hoops with my Thomas Nelson book. So here are a few more …
1. Your contract contains a “morals” clause (my guess is some drunken asinine behavior would get you dumped from any publishers list but as I “tried” to explain to a holy hipster, Hunter Thompson wanna be behavior while on a book tour is not cool)
2. Your radio interviews are on “Christian radio” (none of this NPR stuff for you)
3. Correspondence form your publisher contains catch Christian phrases like “pray about this” and “bless you.”
Becky
don’t think I can add to this list. They all made me laugh out loud, and read a few to Mandy.
MY Borders has your book.
Actually, my Borders has a wider selection than the local Christian bookstore…
-When asked “who is your publisher?” You have to explain.
-The answer to the most-asked question at your book signings is, “Over there. The men’s is on the right, women’s on the left.”
-The competitive section of your book proposals includes, “Blue Like Jazz,” “Left Behind,” or “The Shack.” Extra credit if your non-fiction proposal includes all three.
– You’ve only done international television shows and never local television.
– You’ve ever said the words, “I think this could be a crossover book,” and weren’t talking about women’s lingerie.
-You’re too afraid to sign your name to posts like this because your agent/publisher/publicist will find out through google alert and have a little talk with you.
Anonymous- your additions were great (and seemed painfully honest)!
Matt thanks for making me smile with this one! I even read parts of Churched to my parents…..now I just have to let them borrow it. 🙂
Heather @ http://www.writejourney.wordpress.com
You know you are a Christian Author if you are authentic and full of truth and transparency. Oops, thought that was the way it was supposed to be! Silly me, who really thought it would cost me a contract? Sigh. So much for speaking the truth, somehow the love was lost…
You missed the most obvious one…
… you’ve had to replace all of the “naughty” words in your proposal with alternatives such as darn and heck. Am I the only Christian writer who’s had that happen???
… you feel the sudden urge to write after doing anything even remotely admirable or Christ-like.
OK, I’m hitting myself a little too close to home now.
Merry Christmas! Good work here.
hey matthew, thanks for making me feel less scared about becoming an author!!!! 😉
just kidding. but youre still writing my forward! 😉
if you’ve been told your manuscript is too lusty although the main characters almost kiss, but are too afraid to.
…if you’ve ever asked a real author what a “royalty check” is.