Taken from What You Didn’t Learn From Your Parents About Sex: A Guide To A Touchy Subject
Believe me, I know it’s sometimes quite difficult being a happy virgin. Sure, we put on our best and purest grins, but sometimes it’s impossible to be content, peaceful, happy about our chaste lifestyle. Well, here’s a week’s worth of fun ideas to help your pursuance of all things pure feel a lot more fun. However, here’s the bad news: After the seven days are up, you’re on your own.
Day one: Start a chain letter! You remember how much fun chain letters were as a kid. Well, why not start one of your own? It will be great fun! And the freedom and joy you’ll feel knowing that you are causing great annoyance in the lives of thousands will certainly be enough for you to forget your “frustrated” state of mind.
Day two: Shame a teddy bear. Take your least favorite teddy bear [any stuffed animal will work] and tell it to go sit in the corner. If it refuses to respect your wishes, pick it up and throw it in the corner! Teddy bears don’t care. But if it does talk back at you, put it on its back all day long with its arms and legs raised. That’ll teach it!
Day three: Start a Bible study group for married Christians. Once all your oversexed friends arrive, lock the front door so they can’t escape. Then torture them by reading the first six chapters of Leviticus and making them watch the 251 minutes of Return of the King. Then politely say, “That’s it; I’ll see you all here next week!” When they get home that night, you can be sure of one thing: You won’t be the only one not getting any.
Day four: Declare today random-lunge day. Whether you’re at work or at the mall or at church, everywhere you go, break out into random sets of lunges. Don’t walk to get your morning cup of coffee, lunge there. If the pastor moves you to visit the altar, lunge all the way down the aisle. You’ll feel great knowing that you’re exercising your thighs and helping to improve balance. When your friends, coworkers, or fellow worshipers ask you what you’re doing, get all excited and say, “Haven’t you heard? It’s random-lunge day!”
Day five: Spend the entire day stalking your celebrity crush. Whoever your celebrity crush is, make it your passion today to get as close to him or her as you can. Write e-mails, send letters, look up his manager’s phone number. When his assistant picks up the call, tell her you must meet with her client because you’re the virgin God created to make all of his dreams come true. Of course, don’t try this one unless you’re sane enough to stop after twenty-four hours.
Day six: Picket something meaningless today. Choose a pointless cause, be it the dishes your roommate leaves piled in the sink, the blue pleated pants your boss wears on Mondays and Thursdays, or anything Jennifer Love Hewitt. Make some signs, stand somewhere people will see you, and demand your voice be heard. Neve Campbell might send you a thank-you card.
Day seven: Visit a cheesy tourist trap and claim you’re unable to escape its evil clutches. When the authorities come to take you home, run to the back of the gift shop and hold on for dear life to the antlers of the store’s stuffed moose head. As the police try to coax you away from the moose, surrender peacefully, begin crying, and tell them that the little cactus plants and cowboy ceramics were just too enthralling to leave on your own. As you leave, wave bye-bye to all of the collectible spoons.
BONUS IDEAS:
Because I’m such a nice guy, I am giving you five more ideas. But the game plan to make them happen is all on you.
•Become Joan Osborne’s long-lost super fan for a day.
•Claim you’re the love child of a famous televangelist.
•Buy Edvard Munch’s painting “The Scream” and hang it above your bed.
•Become a Scientologist for the day! Make Tom proud.
•Call in sick, but then go to work anyway.
Viagra is for the treatment of inability to get or keep an hard-on and similar states when erection is of low quality. When you buy remedies like cialis from canada you should know about cialis online canada. It may have a lot of brands, but only one ATC Code. Erectile disfunction, defined as the persistent impossibility to maintain a satisfactory erection, affects an estimated 15 to 30 millions men in the America alone. Sexual health is an substantial part of a man’s life, no question his age etc.
