Dear Great Britain, Mark Driscoll Bloody Hates You


Seattle’s self-proclaimed BEST pastor, Mark Driscoll, decided to do an interview with Great Britain’s Christianity magazine. Why? Well… duh! So he could piss all over his brothers and sisters in Christ on the other side of the pond.

Cheers!

What did Mark “I-have-a-rock-solid-marriage-and-I-listen-to-Jay-Z” Driscoll tell his British fans?

“Let’s just say this: right now, name for me the one young, good Bible teacher that is known across Great Britain. You don’t have one – that’s the problem. There are a bunch of cowards who aren’t telling the truth.”

Mark’s kind of a cheeky fellow, isn’t he? I bet behind closed doors, he drinks English Breakfast, watches Downton Abbey, and LOVES Robbie Williams.

Now, regarding what ails Christian culture, Mark told Christianity

“I think the problem in the church is there has been a one-size-fits-all approach. We speak to nice, godly, growing women in the same way we talk to immature, rebellious, date-raping men.”

Cheeky indeed.

MORE TO COME (the rest of the interview) JANUARY 15.

Redneck Jesus and More (JESUS PICTURES!)

“Dying on the cross for their sins wasn’t enough for rednecks. No, they needed more. But don’t worry; I’ll heal them before we spend eternity together.” -Jesus

“Sigh. I don’t understand why the plate follows me… it only happens in pictures…” -Jesus

“Don’t look at me with those big ole crocodile tears in your eyes. This is all your fault. I should be the one crying. Not you.” -Jesus

“Only you can prevent soul fires.”  -Jesus

“Gather around me all ye gay men and female whores; watch me raise Timmy from the dead.”
“He’s just passed out, Rabbi.” -Whore #1
“At the time this picture was taken, I was a huge fan of Rod Stewart.” -Jesus
“Jesus, this probably isn’t the best time, but would you please tell James and John here that “The Rock” is my nickname.” -Peter
“I stinketh, don’t I? Any of you have some frankincense I can borrow?” -Jesus
“Can I have your autograph?” -Jesus
“He does feel warm. Is he drinking fluids?” -Jesus
“Why are you here Holy Spirit Dove? My baptism isn’t scheduled until next month–John couldn’t do it this month. I’m doing my aquatic yoga.”

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jesus celebrates christmas just like you

JESUS DECORATES A CHRISTMAS TREE
“The best tinsel is always short and curly.” -Jesus 
HE WONDERS WHO INVITED SANTA TO HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY, TOO
“Who invited the fat guy?” -Jesus
HE EATS BIRTHDAY CAKE
“Please be a Dairy Queen ice cream cake!” -Jesus makes a wish
JESUS LIKES PRESENTS
“[Shake. Shake.] It’s a new white robe, isn’t it? Yes! I PRAYED FOR THAT.” -Jesus

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list of the day’s hilarious nativities

Twitter friend @caradufrene sent me a link to List of the Day’s “Bad Nativities of the Day.” It’s a hilarious compilation, so be sure to check it out.

A couple of my favorites:

List of the Day’s caption: “Jesus, Joseph, and Marty”–so funny! But really, what is going on here? Is it God, Moses, and Jesus? Or Joseph, Jesus, and Baby Jesus? Is it a gay-themed nativity? Is it photoshopped? I’m confused. And is it just me or does Baby Jesus need a training bra?
 So much is happening in this picture. Kylie Minogue is dangling in the back. Legolas from “Lord of the Rings” is playing Joseph, a double cross-wearing-around-his-neck Joseph, I might add. And then there’s Mary, played by Posh Spice.

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babies, guns, and jesus (oh my!)


**Author’s note**

The following post is about a t-shirt. Nothing more. In discovering the information below, I simply thought that the details involved showcased a slice of our current American culture. Thank you.

Do you enjoy wearing your faith and your politics on your sleeve? Well, then, this might be the t-shirt for you.

Normally Kelly Moore works as a photographer. But now, this young and talented entrepreneur is using her blog to help get out the vote in this November’s election.

She was listening to her favorite talk radio show when an idea popped into Kelly’s head.

“I heard [the radio host] use the phrase, ‘Babies, Guns & Jesus,'” says Kelly, a resident of the great state of Louisiana. “[And] I couldn’t get it out of my head! It was too perfect!”

She continues: “I know there are so many issues out there to be discussed, but [Babies, Guns, and Jesus] are a few things I believe in. I know there are people out there who want to take these things away.”

Hence, her awesome idea! Help save Jesus. So, in effort to keep Jesus from suffering the same fate as Christmas in Whoville, Kelly did something truly original. She decided to turn that talk show host’s little slogan into t-shirt.

Kelly enlisted the help of a friend to douse most of the t-shirt’s design with flowers, plants, swirls, and one good-sized bird, which I can only assume was because she didn’t want anybody to notice that beneath all that “design,” she printed the words, “Babies, Guns, and Jesus.” Which seems to be her idea of funfetti. However, in order appear nonpartisan, Kelly’s friend drew a wavy banner coming out of the bird’s mouth with the words “Vote ’08” printed across the front.

“If you are out there,” says Kelly, “and you happen to want to show others how you feel too, please purchase a t-shirt. All proceeds will go to support the campaign of the [presidential] candidate who would wear this t-shirt.”

She stopped short of telling us which of the two candidates she believed would be caught dead donning the blue flowered swirly t-shirt. She simply ends the sentence with an innocent little smiley face, one that is giving us the wink wink, as if we’re supposed to automatically know if it’s McCain or Obama who digs the kind of design that looks like a Smirf took a poo on blue cotton.

Anyway, if you’re interested, Kelly’s t-shirts are only $25! Which certainly seems like an affordable price to pay to ensure that Jesus doesn’t get taken from us.

THE ARTIST CURRENTLY KNOWN AS PRINCE SAYS, "I’M GONNA STUDY THE BIBLE!"


The rock, pop, and R&B singer wants to take some time off and study scripture, which one 65-year-old mother says, “It’s about time! He’s the main reason my Jimmy ended up getting his girlfriend Tamra pregnate! Damn that song, ‘Kiss’!”

She also said that she hopes he will begin his study in I and II Samuel in hopes that he will learn “how God dealt with King David’s sexual addiction!”

But she adds: “I did really like ‘When Doves Cry’!”

Read the story here.

THE APOSTLE’S CREED [IF IT WERE UP TO REPUBLICANS]


THE APOSTLES CREED (according to Republicans)

We believe in God! We think of him as that Great Securer of elections, 401Ks, prosperity, and yes, of course, he lives up there! [Direct hand upward] And sure, we like that he’s the creator of heaven and earth, but we’re also thankful that he helped us launch The Wall Street Journal, Ronald Reagan, Jack Daniels, Penelope Cruz, and our favorite, timeshares in Cozumel! (Amen!)

Of course, we also believe in Jesus because we have to; you know, he’s the guy the evangelicals love! And let’s face it; if you want to win Missouri’s electorals—and no one becomes president without Missouri—you have to believe in God’s Son, or at least make conservative talk radio hosts think you do. And yes, we’ve suffered because of him a few times, mostly due to the literalists who believe he was actually crucified, rose again, and he’s coming again to judge the living and the dead, but man, Missouri. Must. Have. Missouri.

Now, we have to be honest; we struggle with the Holy Spirit because he eggs on the evangelical weirdoes. Don’t tell T.D. Jakes we said that!

The Holy Catholic Church? Eh, we tolerate them. And anytime there’s a communion of saints, we’ll be in attendance! The forgiveness of sins? Um, we’re politicians; we can make anything happen! And if the “saints” do actually get resurrected, we’ll probably pee our pants, but mostly because we really need them to win elections. God save the GOP!

AMEN! Hear, hear. Cheers! Bottoms up.

“MATT DRUDGE IN 2008!!”