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My embarrassing addiction…

By September 14, 2015Blog, Featured

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I’m currently on day 6 of Whole30.

If you’re unfamiliar with Whole30, it’s basically one of the current healthy eating trends, a month-long dietary guide that, according to the authors of the idea, will lead to “total health and food freedom.”

Now, whether or not I’ll experience total health and food freedom remains to be seen—right now I’m trying to learn how to eat healthily, work through my cravings/withdrawals, and avoid public fits of unintentional rage. I mostly kid—but wow, while I knew this was going to be hard, I didn’t know it would be such an emotionally-charged journey.

But I guess like most types of freedom, food freedom comes at a cost. And food freedom is my ultimate goal. Sure, I’d like to lose a pound or two. And yes, I want to/need to learn how to eat in such a way that my body is fueled for energy and “living.”

But my ultimate goal? The reason I need to do this? I want food freedom…

Because… I’m a sugar addict. I know that sounds ridiculous. And for years I avoided using the term “addict” as it relates to my body’s unhealthy relationship with sweet things. But it’s true; my behavior as it relates to things like cake, ice-cream, certain kinds of candy, brownies, cookies—am I grossing you out yet?—“fruit” flavored ice pops, milkshakes, pies, tarts, cereal, syrup, etc. is pretty consistent with what I know about addictive conduct.

Googling “sugar addiction” will bring up a host of professional opinions about why sugar is addictive substance and other opinions as to why it’s not.

But all I know is that I love sugar. And I’m not proud of it. I’m ashamed.

In fact, what I’m getting ready to write is downright embarrassing for me. But I’m writing it because 1) it’s the truth and 2) because maybe somebody else might relate to my story it’s the truth.

In 8th grade, I ate 2-3 KitKat bars nearly every day until my mother found out that I was 1) eating 2-3 KitKat bars a day and 2) using my allowance to buy 2-3 KitKat bars every day. That was not a good experience.

In college, I’d often buy a box of Twinkies or Swiss Roll Cakes after I was finished with my classes and eat the entire box before bedtime.

Yeah, my body needs sugar.

I have an inability to just eat 2 Double Stuf Oreo cookies. I almost always start with 5. Then go back for 4 more. I take a break for few minutes, maybe an hour or two, and then I’ll eat 3 at a time until they’re gone.

Two months ago, I bought a Pepperidge Farm “Birthday Cake”—it was not my birthday—at the grocery store. At 5:30pm, I had my first piece. I ate the last piece 12.5 hours later… for breakfast.

These kinds occurrences aren’t everyday happenings. Usually, my weakness for sugar can be satisfied without gorging—but it always gets satisfied with something. Sometimes I can go a couple days without eating “too much sugar”—but usually those days are guilt induced or right before my annual visit to the doctor for my checkup.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night (usually between 2 and 3 a.m.) craving something sweet. And I’ll spare you the pitiful stories. But trust me, they aren’t pretty.

Friends are shocked when I confess my sweet addiction. I think they’re mostly surprised because I wear my problem pretty well. For the most part—but for that short stint in my early 30s when I was on antidepressants—I’ve never struggled with my weight. I workout enough to maintain in reasonably decent shape.

But I’ve long feared how my unhealthy eating habits would affect me down the road. While nobody in my immediate family is diabetic, my father’s extended family has a long history of the disease.

I’ve long hated myself for not being able to enjoy cake or cookies in moderation. A couple weeks ago, Adeline, my 4-year-old, made a passing comment about “Daddy eating lots of junk…” And that, of course, made me feel pretty much like you’d suspect—terrible.

But I’m honestly grateful she said it. I needed to hear it. I needed those cutting words to be said aloud. And honestly, if anybody else had said them, I’d have likely become defensive. But hearing her say them—in her adorable cutesy voice—was, well, gut-punching in the best possible way.

When I started Whole30, I had no intention of writing about it or using social media as an outlet to express my frustrations and struggles working through the program. But I don’t think I realized how emotional this experience was going to be. I don’t think I realized how much about myself and my habits I would begin to learn as I engaged the process of learning how to eat. Am I afraid of failing? Yes. Am I afraid of being successful for 30 days only to fall back into my old habits. Yeah.

But I’m 6 days clean. Sure, it’s felt like hell at times—headaches and mood swings and sleepiness and a bout or two of deep sadness.

But so far, I’m doing it, one well-balanced meal at a time.

So, yeah… My name is Matthew and I’m addicted to sugar. And that sounds cheesy and even ridiculous. But it’s true…

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Matthew Paul Turner

Author Matthew Paul Turner

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Join the discussion 14 Comments

  • MissCaron says:

    GOOD FOR YOU. Admitting you have a problem is the first step … and I firmly believe that sugar is addicting. Once the food companies realized how addicting it was they added it to EVERYTHING. There’s sugar in things you don’t think there should be sugar in. Sad state of affairs for Americans. My doctor once told me that if I did nothing else I should try and eliminate as much sugar from my diet as possible. I can’t even eat Publix cake now because it tastes so artificially sweet. Instead of craving cookies I find myself craving brussels sprouts (CRAZY!). So, give it time. Be patient with yourself. The best part about overcoming this addiction is when you reintroduce sugar back into your life one day it won’t hold any power over you. You’ll feel great just having one cookie. It will take a lot of work and a lot of time to truly overcome the addiction but YOU CAN DO IT! Hugs to you for being brave and sharing your thoughts with the world!

  • danielle says:

    My experience is similar to yours- it really does behave like a drug withdrawl. Congrats on a clean start.

  • Greg says:

    Those Swiss Rolls are the BEST!! 🙂

  • Thanks for this. I don’t know if I would technically qualify for a sugar addiction. It’s probably pretty close. I definitely crave if I haven’t eaten something sugary for more than 24 hours. I blame after-school snacks growing up. My (stay-at-home) mom must have baked at least an hour every day because there was a constant supply of delicious things. We would often have a banana or an apple as well, but the exciting part was the 2 or 3 cookies everyday as soon as I got home from school. Fortunately my wife is a salty snacker so we somewhat cancel each other out when we’re tempted to buy things, but I’ll still have spurts eating ice cream every day for two weeks at a time. Simple calorie counting worked for me dropping 40 lbs in about 8 months, ending about a year ago, so I may go back to that or some other portion-control plan.

  • Jennifer says:

    My name is Jennifer and I’m addicted to carbs…not sugary carbs, but pasta, potatoes, bread, and so on.

  • I’m right with you there, Matthew. I have recently changed my eating habits, but still crave sugar like nothing else. You may be interested in reading my story in my blog. I used Lent as my catalyst to cut out sugar and have kept it up ever since. http://kentdouglaspeterson.blogspot.com/2015/08/lent-and-art-of-weight-loss.html. All the best.

  • Tina says:

    I too have a sugar addiction. A need to have something a little sweet after every meal… And your Oreo reference is spot on. I start with 4, go back for 4 more and once again for 3… Then stay mad at myself for the rest of the night: I’m tiny, often accused of having an eating disorder… So it does go unnoticed. Maybe, just maybe I’ll try the whole 30. I’m interested in your other comment about being on antidepressants for a short bout… How did you get off them? I’ve been on them for 7 years and doctor just upped my dose today…I wish I didn’t need them…. I’m just weepy… Anxious… Can’t sleep…

  • Jay says:

    I completely understand! I even made a parody about my addiction to Swiss Cakes. http://youtu.be/6szS0PTh9vs

  • I feel your pain. Although my issue is less sugar & more “baked goods.” Honestly… if it came from a bakery, even the crappiest grocery store bakery, I’ll eat it. (An entire pie in a few hours—”just one bite” at a time, of course) It’s sad. I’ve even resorted to sticking angry NOT FOR DAWN notes on said baked goods in an attempt to help, as others in my family still like to eat the goodies. So I can’t just toss ’em. I also love to bake, and somehow have convinced myself that anything eaten while baking for others doesn’t count…

    My husband and I did the Whole30 a few months ago, (Rather, I did a Partial30. More like 21) and it IS hard. For me the first & third weeks were especially difficult. Not because of sugar but no carbs, including no legumes. I was training for an endurance run and just couldn’t make it happen at the time. I applaud you for tackling it head on. Sending positive vibes your way!

  • Ace Griffin says:

    Oh, thank you! Don’t be ashamed. I’m one too. My sugar addiction started in 2004 to basically pure sugar: Pixie Stix and all sorts of candy powder. I am now 39 years old. A coworker had some on her desk as a treat for the kids. I ate one and it’s like my body said, “I’ve been looking for you.” I went back to her desk several times until they were gone. I then went to Wal-Mart and found the peg bags there for $1.I went through a bag a day. My coworkers knew about it too. Some of them would buy me some too while others criticized. It went from the small paper ones to the giant ones in plastic tubes. One of my coworkers bought me the 21 inch ones from Party City. That was the worst. I would go and buy about 4 or five there like every week.People that worked in the stores began to recognize me. I knew where every store was that sold the giant ones. I even went to Sam’s and bought an industrial sized package. Once, the stores were out of them and I found some Fun Dip. I started eating about 6 packs of those a day. On some days, I would have both. It was so ridiculous. My car had colored sugar all on the floor and seats. I’ve slowed down a lot. But the desire is still there. I’ll go several weeks without and then go maybe on for a weekend or so. We will win. Thank you so much for sharing. Your story is a release for me.

  • ArchGirl99 says:

    I recommend watching Fedup for motivation. It has done wonders for sugar habit.

  • elviamaria42 says:

    hey MPT- I am so glad that you are writing about this… as a church goer- do you think there is a way to pass around a memo that serving sugar at events is not nice??? I sometimes have to avoid my church friends because I somehow feel it is OKAY to eat the sugar if I’m at a church thing. I won’t even go into my demented battle with food- and I don’t want to put any obstacles in your 30day journey- so I have a question for you when you are done— since the body converts all our food to ______. I have prayed about this a lot. I do want to avoid the obvious junk. or at least not be attached to it. but I wonder if we are misunderstanding how the body actually works? I do go through major withdrawal when I cut my intake of all sugars very low– including carbs and such… my mood gets bad! anyway- I do still have irrational behaviors even after my own sugar detox. I’m trying to find the freedom- and I am frustrated most times. I make no sense! my behavior is controlling me- and I have had other addictions.. so sometimes I think- why is food kicking my *** every day! but it is better than the other stuff I used to do. like smoking. still- please share more! we love to hear your thoughts.

  • Dena says:

    I quit smoking about a month ago and somehow felt the desire to eat more sugar. I never really had sugar cravings before so this is odd for me. I now have a little Debbie Swiss roll addiction. I am so bad I buy a box every day after work I eat half the box on top of dinner. I would probably eat more but my kids are now aware I do this every day and I have to share. If I buy more then one box I actually hide them. I can’t stop this habit and it seems to be getting worse and I have no clue what to do so I went online and searched up Swiss roll addiction to see if anyone else has this issue. And this article pulled up. Now I know I am not the only one and I can start in the correct direction for stopping this problem so thanks for sharing.

  • Sadie says:

    I would like to propose, gently, a counterpoint. When you say that you have an “inability” to eat sweets in moderation, you are thinking of your binge-eating as an incurable condition that can only be managed by restriction. May I suggest that your inability may be a result of dichotomous thinking about eating, and that more restrictive dieting, like the Whole 30, may not be the answer.

    I am someone who has gained and lost 30 pounds using various popular diets, several times. I always believed that for me, it was either super-dieting, or binge-eating. I did not think there could be anything in between. I would buy sweets, and then call friends and ask them to take them away, because I was absolutely positive I could not “control myself” around them. When I ate sweets, I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and failure. The shame and failure of eating the first one was so great, what was another one? Or a whole bag? See how this goes?

    I eventually came across two books that sort of contradict each other, but together, helped me really change how I ate and more importantly, how I thought about eating. They were “The Beck Diet Solution,” and “Intuitive Eating.” The first one is a cognitive-behavioral-therapy approach to dieting, and to be honest, I took it to extremes and it was not good. But I did take away from it the notion that I needed to learn how to plan to eat, to learn how to cope with failing to eat from the plan, and to learn how to forgive myself and course-correct without an all-out binge. The book calls this saying, “Oh, well.”

    “Intuitive Eating” suggests that learning how to eat in moderation is an exercise in learning to trust yourself, release the shame associated with eating, and give yourself permission to enjoy food– and also to enjoy being full. For me, it was so hard to stop eating when I was full, because I was already overwhelmed with shame– shame for eating at all.

    As I have learned to let go of the shame I feel about eating, and offer myself compassion (it’s not wrong to love Kit-Kats!) I have found that I really do have the ability to “take or leave” sweets. This Halloween, I didn’t binge on candy a single time. I can eat a variety of foods, and keep them in the house, and I know how to talk to myself when I feel ashamed of how many cookies I’ve had so that I don’t proceed to plow through the rest of the box. You CAN learn to eat like a healthy person! But for me, part of learning that was definitely letting go of the idea that I was incapable of self-control as regards sugar.