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9 Halloween Ideas for Christians!

How should a Christian celebrate Satan’s Day? In prayer and supplication, that’s how! But if you must partake in Lucifer’s orgy of witches, demons, monsters, vampires, and Nancy Pelosi, then at least dabble some Holy Spirit dust on those devil pumpkin cookies you bake because Tis the Season to Be Mindful of Satan’s Wrath!

Here are some lukewarm ideas to help you survive the nightmare season.

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Tell your neighbors what’s what. Tell them that you don’t mess with any ghosts, spirits, or invisible presences other than the Lord God Almighty’s spirit! Put that message on a sign. Dress it up in fall colors if you must. And then put that sign on a 1X3 and stake it into the ground next to your shrubbery. Make it very clear to your neighbors, that you don’t want anything to do with their Satanic channeling of evil spirits. And then shun them with mercy and joy.

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Buy several bags of Jesus Harvest Seeds! When your neighbors’s kids come to your door dressed up like demons and sexy Hello Kitties, cast them off your front doorstep with a baggie of Jesus Harvest Seeds! These little candies are JUST like the candied corn you buy at the grocery store, except with Jesus! Each individually wrapped collection of candies are infused with the Word of God and nothing pisses off demons on Beelzebub’s Holiday like scriptured candies.

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The Bible says that we should hide God’s Word in our hearts that we might not sin against Him! Well, in addition to your heart, you should also hide God’s Word (or Cliff Richard’s words as the case is here) in your craft projects! Not only will this help you not sin, because a craft project is (unlike your heart) visible, it will also help others not sin and lead them out of the haunted existence called “their life.”

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You can also hide God’s Word–God’s political Word, spiritual Word, or Words you came up with on your own–in jack-o-lanterns! Your kids will have a blast carving Proverbs into the side of a pumpkin.

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Read Let’s Shine Jesus’ Light on Halloween to your kids! This good Christian children’s book is all about celebrating the Devil’s Day with Jesus, smiling flashlights, and cross-of-Christ luminaries. Which is far better than celebrating it with The Evil One, flashlights featuring frowns, and luminaries displaying wiccan symbols. Even if you don’t buy the book, just read the cover and you pretty much know what the rest of the book is about.

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While this little booklet appears to be about the AMC’s The Walking Dead, guess what? It’s not about The Walking Dead! Clever, huh? In fact, not only is it not really about zombies (because it is about zombies), it’s actually about Jesus! But don’t worry! The heathens who come to your front door with Viva Abaddon written across their souls won’t know the booklet is about Jesus until they get home! You can read what’s inside here.

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Haunted houses were created by the Price of Darkness to scare worldly humans and make them more comfortable with the evils of the spirit world. For years, churches all across the United States have been instilling Jesus into their scary “haunted with the Holy Ghost” houses for years! Perhaps your church could create its own form of tormented location and start frightening all of your town’s sinful locals into the loving arms of Jesus. Or perhaps, if you live in Ohio and more Hell in your life, you could take the rowdier members of your church’s youth group on a tour of Hell in Lorain. Because nothing gets middle school kids in the mood for sitting on a savior’s lap like a fake Hell. SOURCE.

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Listen up, Moms! Nobody can thoroughly ruin Mammon’s Big Party like you, even if you only ruin it for your own children. They’ll remember you throwing a big ole Jesus-wrench into their love of sin for many years to come and will likely take it out on you years later passive aggressively. God never said parenting was easy, huh? I looked it up. He never said that. So Google “Ways To Christianize the Son of the Morning’s Harvest Shindig” and you’ll get lots of ideas to spark your Jesus-inspired hatred of fun and mischief. Good luck.

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Dress up like white people for Halloween! Your kids will love going door to door disguised as the happy Christian and nuclear family that you so desperately long to be.

But not only that, if you follow all of the above ideas, you can turn your Halloween into Jesusween, a scary-as-Hell celebration of God’s Only Son! And isn’t that what all of us desire to do, to live separate lives from those who will one day experience God’s Haunted House of Horrors for eternity?

May God help us all to ween on that scary reality this October 31.

Happy Jesusween Everybody!

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Matthew Paul Turner

Author Matthew Paul Turner

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Join the discussion 19 Comments

  • davewasson says:

    “Dress up like white people” made me lol. Thanks.

  • Emily R says:

    Jesusween. Hahahahaha.

  • lonistel says:

    Good article . . . it IS so hard, especially for our children when they see everyone having fun & getting candy – yet, why would we want to teach our children to celebrate Satan’s day?!?! UGH!

    • Jackie M. says:

      I really like the way my pastor put it…everyday, October 31st included, was created by The Lord. Satan takes things away from God, but we don’t have to let him. That doesn’t mean running away, hiding, participating in the dark things that happen…but we can still be a light without being a creepy and weird Christian…like in the article above, haha. I’ve always participated in Halloween. Dressing up is fun, getting candy is pretty cool, and I have a chance to connect with my friends with something they like too. It may take a little more work with the kids to teach them what we want them to know is true, but isn’t that a good thing? Teach them how to keep God at the center of their lives even if the world is questionable?

      What we ask our congregation to do is plan a front yard party. Get to know your neighbors, don’t be weird, and share Jesus’ love with them. You can read more from our pastor and about the party idea here–http://reallife.org/images/File/Halloween%20Party%20Ideas%20Packet%20Redesign%202011.pdf

  • Joshua says:

    Do people really think Halloween is a day to celebrate Satan? If any of you Christians really think that, I feel sorry for you and especially your kids if you don’t let them go out and have fun with their friends. It’s just a fun holiday to dress up and go to parties and have fun with friends, or if you’re a kid to dress up and go get candy. There’s no harm whatsoever in Halloween and if you think there is you’re terribly delusional.

    • Eric Boersma says:

      I believe you may have missed the mild undercurrent of sarcasm in this article. I don’t think you’ll find anyone who regularly reads this website that believes that Halloween is a day to celebrate Satan.

    • Koko says:

      There are indeed people who believe Halloween is a celebration of Satan & the occult. (Skeletons, witches, zombies, oh my!)

      If you do a quick Google search for Halloween + occult, I promise you will find plenty to keep you entertained. Or enough insanity to drive you to drink. (I recommend the latter.)

  • Kim Tavernier says:

    Mostly I’m on the fence with you. This one though, like minded brother, like minded.

  • Dress like White People… I can’t even… this is the best

  • Koko says:

    My family started out “normal” Christians; then we descended to the insanity that is Christian Fundamentalism (90% less fun, 100% damn mental).

    We quit celebrating Halloween & had “harvest celebrations.” When I grew up & had kids, I gave out Chick tracts *instead* of candy. My kids weren’t allowed to trick or treat.

    Last year was the first time they actually got to celebrate Halloween, because Mommy Dearest stopped drinking the kool-aid.

  • “Halloween” is All Hallows’ (Saints’) Eve, the night before All Saints’ Day (Nov. 1). When Christians throw out this observance on the liturgical calendar for a “fall harvest festival” or some such thing, they are actually much closer to the pagan roots of Samhain (Gaelic for “summer’s end”), the holiday that the church originally tried to replace with Halloween!

  • RHoop says:

    Just a little history about Halloween: The word Halloween or Hallowe’en dates to about 1745 and is of Christian origin. The word “Halloween” means “hallowed evening” or “holy evening”. It comes from a Scottish term for All Hallows’ Eve (the evening before All Hallows’ Day). In Scots, the word “eve” is even. Over time, (All) Hallow(s) E(v)en evolved into Halloween. Although the phrase “All Hallows'” is found in Old English (mass-day of all saints), “All Hallows’ Eve” is itself not seen until 1556.

  • john doe says:

    Guess people need to stop celebrating christmas and easter as well since those are pagan holidays. I’m doing everyone a favor this year- Any person who hands in “treated” religious literature will get a full size candy bar. Double if it belongs to ray cumfart or jack(wants to be a) chick. They think pagans worship satan I think they can both go to hell 😀

  • StephanieLynn75 says:

    JesusWeen is by far the best! But all of these are delightful ways to make you and your family look like a bunch of religious nut jobs. Nicely done!

  • Thomas says:

    Where can I buy those Jesus Harvest Seed packages?

  • Thomas says:

    Alright, alright, just kidding, but I’ll tell you what, last year I decorated my porch with a dozen stacked and lighted Jack O’lanterns (carved em myself), and got a number of thank-yous for the effort (looked pretty cool). We usually have 150-180 trick-or-treaters, and most are very young. So I gave out a ton of sugar. But in each bag I placed a colorful little booklet, designed for a small child that said your mom and dad love you, your grandma and grandpa love you, and so does Jesus (something like that). I thought they were great. Cute and colorful. Can’t imagine them irritating anyone. And since that chance is the only one I’ll have with most of those 150 plus children and multitude of parents, I think I would be fairly remiss to do nothing at all to at least give Christ a mention.

    I remember one saturday morning – it was shortly after halloween, so I knew where this was coming from- my six-year-old daughter and I were sitting on the couch. She suddenly looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, is Jesus stronger than a vampire?” She was obviously hopeful and a little worried. Of course I reassured her. But I wondered how long and how deeply she’d worried over this. And what if she hadn’t asked? Or had no one to ask? Could be that it’s better to risk looking a little foolish than to do nothing when you’re given the chance, even if it’s on your front porch, once a year.

    “Dress up like white people.” What a hoot, indeed. Wouldn’t wish two loving parents and three happy children on any family. But, I forget, they’re a farce. After reading some of Turner’s blogs and glimse of his book, his near-phobic stance against white America Christianity is disappointing. But predictable.