My parents had noble intentions; they really did. Whenever I asked them a question, they told me the truth. I admire that about them, but I also wonder if it was always a good idea.
Case in point: Santa Claus.
In preschool, I already had the inquisitive instincts of a journalist. So when I heard rumors about Santa Claus not being real, I investigated. It seemed unlikely—tabloid fodder, at best—but I asked my parents anyway.
They hesitated, and then they told me the truth: Santa is a fraud.
I promptly shared this breaking news with everyone I knew—including my older sister who wasn’t too pleased to learn earth-shattering news from her younger brother.
A couple years later, I began to hear rumors about something called “sex.” My sources confirmed that “sex,” whatever it was, had the power to create babies. This, I believed, also merited investigation. So once again, I called upon my most reliable source: my parents.
I didn’t get an immediate answer this time. For this scoop, I had to wait until the following week when my mom and sister left for Girl Scouts. Then my dad sat down on the couch and opened a new book to share with me. An avid young reader, I was immediately engrossed.
Moments later, I was grossed out.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I interrupted my dad. “You mean it goes inside her?”
“Well, um…” my dad hemmed and hawed, eager to get back to the text where technical terms like sperm, egg, and fallopian tubes loomed. “Yeah, it does. But then—”
“What if you have to pee?”
My dad looked up. “What?”
“What if you have to pee? You know, when it’s inside?”
“You don’t need to worry about that.”
“But what if you really have to go?”
“That won’t happen.”
“But what if it does?”
“Trust me, it won’t.”
“But what if it does?”
“It won’t.”
“But what if…?”
This continued for at least an hour.
To this day, I don’t remember learning anything about sperm, eggs, tubes, or any other technical term; I just remember being horrified. After “the talk,” the only thing I knew for certain was that if I ever put my thing inside a girl—something I had no desire to try—I would absolutely and instantly have to go pee. I had no doubt.
*****
If only I could time travel back to that night to fill young me in on the other truths about sex—not just about where things go and how babies are made, but about the ugliness of sexual temptation.
If I could travel back to that night, I imagine I’d find young me in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. Except young me would be whispering, “What if you really have to go?”
Me: Hey kid, stop worrying about that, alright?
Young Me: But what if…
Me: I’m you from the future. It never happens, okay?
YM: You mean it hasn’t happened yet…
Me: …Well, crap. I guess I hadn’t thought about that…
YM: Told you! But wait, you’ve done it? I’ve done it? In the future?
Me: Of course you’ve done it. You love it!
YM: Ew, gross!
Me: You’ll stop thinking that in a few years…which is why I’m here actually. To warn you.
YM: To warn me not to do it?
Me: No no no. Well, kinda…
YM: I don’t understand.
Me: Listen kid, sex is great. It’s a gift from God—an amazing gift.
YM: I’d rather get Legos.
Me: Aw, that’s cute. But I just traveled through freaking time, so shut up and let me talk.
YM: Fine.
Me: Not only does sex lead to new life—you know, babies—but it’s also an amazing way for a man and wife to be united—and, you know, intimate.
YM: So…sex isn’t just about making babies?
Me: No, not at all. Most of the people who do it don’t even want babies. They take pills and try lots of other things just so they won’t get pregnant.
YM: Why don’t they do something else instead? Like Legos?
Me: You’re still too innocent to understand, but that’s why I’m here. Because when you get older, you’re going to be really interested in sex. Really, really interested.
YM: Why?
Me: Well, it’s a hormonal thing.
YM: Horma—huh?
Me: That means it’s natural. But it’s also something for which you should be prepared. Because your desires will be strong and sometimes it’s going to be really hard to resist those urges.
YM: So wanting to have sex is bad?
Me: Well, no. I mean, it’s tricky. God gave us the hormones that make us want to have sex. But it’s our job to control those desires and make sure we don’t dishonor God by acting in ways that are contrary to his design.
YM: Say what?
Me: You know how I said sex is a gift from God? Well, it’s a gift designed for a man and wife.
YM: Duh, Dad already told me that.
Me: Okay…well, he didn’t tell you this: There will be times when you are sexually involved with someone other than your wife.
YM: Even though I’m married?
Me: No, not after you get married. But you have sex with other women before you meet your wife.
YM: Even though I’m not married to them?
Me: Unfortunately.
YM: Why would I do that?
Me: Great question. All I can tell you is that you’ll always regret it. Unfortunately, having sex before you’re married isn’t even your biggest struggle. You won’t understand this now, but eventually you’re going to struggle with a sin called “lust.”
YM: Lust?
Me: Yeah, it’s an ugly thing. Lust is basically an unhealthy sexual desire. It’s the sin that’s going to prompt you to have premarital sex. Other times it’s going to prompt you to look at pornography and—
YM: Whatography?
Me: Stuff you shouldn’t look at.
YM: Okay.
Me: When you are lusting, you stop viewing women as humans created in the image of God and you start viewing them as objects of your sexual desire. Your thoughts revolve around your desire for pleasure. And that’s not good.
YM: So why do I turn out like that? What’s wrong with me?
Me: Well, it’s not just you. Premarital sex and lust aren’t good things, but you’re not the only one who has these struggles.
YM: I’m not?
Me: Not even close. In fact, you’ll eventually get involved with accountability groups and you’ll read books devoted to this topic. And you’ll pay for a program that monitors your Internet activity so you won’t be as tempted—
YM: What’s the Internet?
Me: Oh…right. Eventually it’s something that lets you get on a computer and do a lot of sweet stuff. But it also allows you to find pictures of naked women. Even videos of people having sex.
YM: Ew! Why would anyone want to see that? Please tell me I’ll never look at that stuff.
Me: I wish I could. I really do.
YM: I’m not sure I like future me.
Me: There have been times when I haven’t liked future you either.
YM: Why did you have to tell me all this stuff? It’s so…gross. And sad.
Me: I know. I’m sorry to bum you out, but when you get older, you’re going to feel very ashamed, and you’ll think you’re the only one who struggles with lust. You’re not.
YM: Okay…
Me: Eventually you will admit this struggle to some of your friends—other Christians—and later, you’ll tell your wife. And after you admit that you struggle with this, it gets easier to resist temptation. Remember that, okay?
YM: I’ll remember.
Me: Alright, kiddo, I gotta get back to the future—we’re playing jetpack basketball tonight.
YM: Whoa, really?
Me: Haha. Nah, I’ll probably just watch TV or read a book.
YM: The future sounds lame.
Me: Yeah, sometimes. Okay man, I’m out of here.
YM: I still have one question.
Me: Oh, okay… Shoot.
YM: What if you really have to go?
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huh never thought what would happen if i had to go. one more thing to worry about when ever i get around to my first time.
Justin, believe it or not, my dad was right: it won’t happen.
Now, as for whether or not you’ll ever need to fart… I make no promises.
Awesome, loved the dialogue between you and the young you.
Rand,
Glad you enjoyed it.
As a diehard Lost fan, it was really hard to write that time-travel scene without saying “whatever happened, happened,” or making any reference at all to variables or course-correction.
thanks so much to all the guest bloggers & commenters & the host of this blog for this frank discussion re sex. i look forward to the rest of the week.
my conclusion so far, as a single with nightmares of starring in her own version of “the 40-year-old virgin” is that “christian” sex is both communal and individual. only the person involved knows the state of his/her own heart before God. definitely, lust & physical union outside of a legal & spiritual union are not contemplated as acceptable by God. but outside of that, i’m beginning to think that the greyer areas of physical intimacy & masturbation, etc. really are matters of our heart before God more than anything else. the catch is that our hearts are so damn deceitful. so we need to constantly be living in teachable openness and community w/ other believers, not just about sex, but about all of life in general.
just two more pennies – i don’t want to rely on some sort of correlation b/t my sexual “purity” right now and future sexual joy. i may have horrible post-marital sex. i may have missed out on the best sexual experiences of my life. but i’ll refrain from premarital sex and pushing boundaries simply b/c God commands it and i trust that he’s always watching out for my good, even if that good doesn’t include great sex, ever (though, taking the suggestion of a previous post, i will definitely be praying for great sex!).
thanks again for the great thought-provoking posts.
Thanks for sharing this entry. It was funny, cute, and sad. I’m sorry you let your childhood self down (or would have, depending on the way you look at it), but I’m glad God has helped you to overcome. There are times when my childhood self or even just my past self would feel bad seeing certain things.
Thanks again and thanks for offering that way of looking at it!
Jennifer
Jennifer,
I’m glad you enjoyed it.
And yeah, I think we’ve all let our younger self down in some ways. But all those things can be redeemed (I think) if we’re honest about those mistakes.
Thanks for your comments.
I’m totally going to have my son read this, “Tyler”. (ha! Now we know your internet alter ego. I have one too.) You couldn’t have that conversation with yourself, but you can have it with other young guys.
Thanks for this.
in case anyone’s interested, I seem to remember that there’s a valve in there that keeps you from having to go. So it really doesn’t happen. (And if your bladder’s full, you stop the action, take care of things, and come back – it’s not that big a deal.)
I’m very confused by your comment, “Lisa.” I’m not sure why my name is in quotes or why you think it’s an Internet alter ego.
I would have to be pretty dumb to choose my real name as my alter ego, don’t you think? Wait, don’t answer that.
But anyway, glad you enjoyed it.
Oh gosh! I thought it was MPT commenting under a pseudonym! Didn’t realize it was a guest blog entry. My bad! (Glad I didn’t mention what my incognito name is!)
Thank you for this entry, Tyler. It was actually kind of sweet… It makes me wonder what I would have told the younger “15 year old” me. “You’re beautiful….It’s ok NOT to have sex…. you’re worth waiting for” etc.
Makes me sad, actually. Lots of wasted innocence.
And just in case you or any other guy is bothered by it still, I read in a college class that it’s physically impossible to pee and ejaculate at the same time 🙂
AFFOTG,
It is a little sad. But you summed it up so perfectly:
“Lots of wasted innocence.”
By the way, thanks for the assurances about the physical impossibilities. I’m glad someone paid attention in college…
-Tyler
This made me cry. The silent cry with tears running down my face. I have three boys who are going to one day need this same talk. I have a husband who never had this talk and ended up a porn addict with serious masturbation issues. Then there’s me who only had the “technical” sex talk and ended up labeling myself as a sex toy for teenage boys (but stopping just short of sex, because just SEX was bad *eye roll*). This is a HUGE deal. HUGE. Thank you for this!
Brandy,
Thanks for your comment.
I’m not much of a crier (no offense to those who are), but I was certainly touched by the sincerity of your words.
I would also say that many husbands (even Christian husbands) have become “a porn addict with serious masturbation issues.” But at least you are aware of his struggles.
That’s a great start.