Ain’t this a nice billboard? I mean, that church was lucky enough to get a snapshot of the hands of God aimlessly grabbing for two floating letters. Lucky ducks. I can only assume that God must really love the letter G. I know, I know–his name begins with G. Duh. That’s probably why he’s grabbing for them.
And I think the pastors look like very nice people. Actually, I think she looks like Diana Ross, which might be reason enough to visit their church. If I’m ever in Ohio, Ms. Ross, I’ll be sure to attend! Will you sing Umbrella for me if I do?
Ooh, and how about this little gem?
I love this one! The motto is so darn cute: don’t do life alone. So welcoming. So positive. So convincing! After seeing this billboard, I wouldn’t even think about doing life alone. I mean, how could I consider such a thing when, by the looks of it, I could be going to this church and doing life with the cast members of Queer As Folk!
Ch-ching.
Yay!! I’m there. Seriously, I am. I don’t know where Kal-Haven is located, but I’m looking it up on Google Maps right now.
Oh wait, is that an advertisement for Tide?
Moving right along…
Trust me: This is a church billboard. I know what you’re thinking though. You thought this was a billboard advertising Sinead O’connor’s new album. I DID TOO!
Nope! It’s a church! Look it up.
Apparently, wherever this church is located, they have a high population of twelve-year-old boys working and looking up porn during office hours.
And doesn’t that kid in the picture play guitar in the David Crowder Band?
I could be wrong. But I’m pretty sure I saw that kid at Passion.
Sheesh. I’m torn. Do I go to Racers? Or should I go to Dallasburg Baptist Church? They both look a little um, run down.
I’m not really tempted to fix my eyes on the woman sucking on her pointer finger. Are you?
SIDE NOTE: OK, so I have one question: For all you old-time Christian music fans. Think back for a moment–way back! Further. Here’s my question: What is Kathy Troccoli doing working at Racers?
Wow. Everything does change, huh? OK, that was bad. (As in cheesy.)
Look again. There’s some arms. Hands. A chest. And a “screw head.”
PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE, go to the web site and check out the entire “screw head” family. Oh yeah, a Mr. and Mrs. “Screw Head” apparently um, screwed and had babies! And truthfully, the younger “screw heads” are cuties. And obviously ornery!
Anybody up for getting unscrewed?
Well, then, maybe it should start.
(Ooh, I’m gonna get emails about this one. My mom will probably complain to me over the phone. I’m not lying. She took me off her blog roll because she didn’t want my blog to lead any of the women in her Bible study astray. Not kidding. That’s the truth. Heck, my pastor might even call me and give me a piece of his mind. Or maybe he’ll show his dismay by NOT commenting on my blog. I don’t know, maybe I should just visit UnScrewMyLife.com again. I’m going to Hell. But admit it, you laughed. Or at least grinned.)
They kill people instead.
You know that a whole bunch of fat people go to Discovery Church. This billboard is to help make them feel better.
If I were to visit Discovery Church, I would definitely arrive all sweaty, like I had just run a marathon. Or I would come all dressed up in my roller-blading garb, like immediately after church I was going to be doing some MAJOR roller blading! Yeah. Roller blading is manly. Think about it: Who roller blades anymore?
Oh, wait, is the guy in the picture throwing horse shoes? OH!!! That makes sense. Because if he is throwing horse shoes, that is nothing new, my father did that at my old church all the time.
The NEW me–a horse shoe thrower! Yes.
PLEASE NOTE: This is a different church than the other one who told us not to do life alone. But apparently all of the same people go to this church too! And I don’t know why, but I think I life this church better. Yeah, I know the people look exactly alike. But I still sort of want to visit this church.
Look at the billboard–if the church is anything like the picture, it would be similar to shopping at Kohls. And I like Kohls. Not as much as Target. Or Macys. But I do like Kohls.
Actually, I’m not sure I would be allowed to go to LifePointeChurch–it looks like only cheerleaders are allowed to attend.
Give me an L!
Ugh. Nothing more lame and non-convincing than the ole “Satan quote” ad. But apparently LifeChurch.tv didn’t get the memo. And furthermore, rather than knowing that their behind the times, they probably have convinced themselves that they started a trend, a trend of quoting Satan on church billboards.
All I know is I found a ton of church billboards with various Satan quotations about a bunch of churches spread out across the country.
Oh Please. Like Satan said those exact words. Or said anything at all. I wonder if Craig got that quote from Satan personally. Would have loved to have been there.
For once, I agree with um, Satan, let’s boycott!!
Go ahead and read Satan’s billboard message backwards and see what happens. Do it. Seriously, you should do it. It’s CRAZY.
OK… fine… this is what it says…
“Vt.hcruhCefiL Ttocyob”
You’re feeling guilty now, aren’t you? Or are you feeling tempted? Hmm. Hard to distinguish, huh?
Hope Satan hates your church too. Happy Sunday.
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Visiting unscrewmylife.com left me feeling more screwed up… The screwhead family on their web site looked like metal screws while the guy on the billboard is definitely a wood screw. Are they hinting that they’re a racially diverse congregation?
Great post! And way to get banned by your mother. That’s a real right of passage for bloggers.
Thanks to Greater Grace, I think that I’ll start calling my wife the 1st Lady. She’s tiring of Prophetess.
Ok, I don’t care who you are, that was FUNNY! And you know what, now that you mention it, it does look like Kathy Troccoli has been doing a little side work.
And seriously, exactly who does Dallasburg Baptist Church think they’re reaching with that message? For the unchurched guy out there it’s “What are my eyes fixed upon? That hot chick right there!” Sometimes I wonder how some Christians can be so out of touch.
Sir,you are irreverant. (smirk)
“We don’t do entertainment” sheesh, they sound a little—bitter?
Julie Schaal (Carroll, IA )
You continue to speak my lauguage! While these churches want to attract more people to come through their doors, what are they doing to build relationships with real people in their communities? People who may not have showered (they’d fit right into the group doing life together) or had any food to eat for a couple of days because they had to put $4 gallon gas in their cars.
I just got finished reading Shane Claiborne’s IRRESISTABLE REVOLUTION and have been thinking Scriptpural, crazy thoughts ever since. Like imagine if we actually disbursed our building fund funds to serve those in our community (going out) giving them some support so they don’t need to continue to do life alone.(PS they don’t look anything like the happy faces on the poster). I emailed those crazy thoughts to my pastor, who read the email during his sermon this morning to get everyone thinking along those lines. Now that is a bill board that would catch my attention!
Those are totally not cheerleaders on the Life Pointe ad (I like the fancy “e” added on at the end)….their arms are not sharp. They would never win a competition.
Are you a proclaimed Christian.. CAN’T tell from your blog…
disrespectful I what I call it….
Our core group meets at a house across the street from a church that doesn’t have a parking lot, only street parking. However, there is one spot on the (public)street with a sign saying that it is reserved for the pastor and first lady of said church. My husband always park in it so that I can feel like a first lady.
thanks for the smirks and giggles today!
This is the funniest post I have ever read. That for sure looked like Kathy Troccoli! I was wondering what happened to her. :O) I was just introduced to your blog (thank Angie for that) and I can’t get enough of it.
Funny! Though Mr. Screwhead kind of creeps me out a little.
There’s one on my drive home from work that says “Making Jesus Famous!” It’s awesome. I should take a picture of it.
Oh, the joy of church signs in general. I saw a church marquee sign in St. Louis this week that said, “Jesus likes Coke more than Pepsi because He is the real thing.” I could only groan…
Some of these billboards just reinforce my observation that Jesus died on the cross to save males from pornography because we are such pitiful sinners and looking at pornography is such a damnable sin. Of course women come to the cross to get healed because they are victims rather than sinners (who can even imagine mom getting her jollies from visual stimuli?).
i think u guys r just jobless and Godless who have not criticized their lives but want to criticize the church, oh please, spare me the crap.