THE APOSTLE’S CREED [IF IT WERE UP TO REPUBLICANS]


THE APOSTLES CREED (according to Republicans)

We believe in God! We think of him as that Great Securer of elections, 401Ks, prosperity, and yes, of course, he lives up there! [Direct hand upward] And sure, we like that he’s the creator of heaven and earth, but we’re also thankful that he helped us launch The Wall Street Journal, Ronald Reagan, Jack Daniels, Penelope Cruz, and our favorite, timeshares in Cozumel! (Amen!)

Of course, we also believe in Jesus because we have to; you know, he’s the guy the evangelicals love! And let’s face it; if you want to win Missouri’s electorals—and no one becomes president without Missouri—you have to believe in God’s Son, or at least make conservative talk radio hosts think you do. And yes, we’ve suffered because of him a few times, mostly due to the literalists who believe he was actually crucified, rose again, and he’s coming again to judge the living and the dead, but man, Missouri. Must. Have. Missouri.

Now, we have to be honest; we struggle with the Holy Spirit because he eggs on the evangelical weirdoes. Don’t tell T.D. Jakes we said that!

The Holy Catholic Church? Eh, we tolerate them. And anytime there’s a communion of saints, we’ll be in attendance! The forgiveness of sins? Um, we’re politicians; we can make anything happen! And if the “saints” do actually get resurrected, we’ll probably pee our pants, but mostly because we really need them to win elections. God save the GOP!

AMEN! Hear, hear. Cheers! Bottoms up.

“MATT DRUDGE IN 2008!!”